WIT AND HUMOUR.

Bush Advocate, Volume XI, Issue 866, 2 December 1893, Page 6

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Long-armed Anoientfl. — Ethel (looking at the statue of the Venus of Milo) : "It seems tome, Maud, that the women inanoient times had larger waists than they have now." Mand ; " Well, perhaps, the men had longer arms."

Mrs De Nbo's Husband. — Dawson (to stranger at Mrs: De Nbo's reception) : " Who is this Mrs De Noo?" Stranger: "She is Mr De Noo's wife." Dawson : " And who on earth is De Noo f " Stranger : " I am." The Very Man.— First Artist : " Well, old man, how's business f " Second Artist : " Oh, splendid ! Got a commission this morning from a millionaire. Wants his children painted very badly." Firat Artist (pleasantly): ' " Well, my boy, you're the very man for the job." When a vessel makes a " long reach " she probably does it with her " yard arms." ;

"Did yd ever hear o" sio a cratur as oor John's wife? She's got a babby, an' sio a name as she's gi'een it. Nse less than Bate rice " (Beatrice). " What a name to gie a wean! An' the last ane waa waur, for she ca'ed it Mad Mary " (Maud Mary). Fig : " How do you like your new domestto!" Fogg :." Splendid girl— a real 1 treasure, in faot. She never has my breakfast ready in time. Yon see, she spends her early morning hours in reading the paper, and you cannot imagine now consoling it is to have her tell me all the news while I wait for m/ breakfast." In the vestibule. — Young De Lisle was making a late call on Miss Arabella Rose. Well, really, Hiss Rose, I have Btayed too long. But you are so bewitching. Goodnight, Miss Rose — good-night.' 5 "G-o-o-d---n-i-g-h-t, Mr De Lisle." <• Oh, I beg pardon. I see that I was leaving my stick. Thanks, awfully. Good night, Miss Rose." " Goo. aw-night, Mr De Lisle." "I am sure you'll forgive mo for not being gone, bnt it just ocoarred to me that you did not know the hour of the concert next Thursday evening. It is 8 o'clock sharp. Good-night, Miss Rose." "Goo-nigh," Mr De Lisle." "Really, how Btupid, don't you know! I forgot to leave my best regards for your mamma. You're not angry, dear Hiss Rose ? Ah, you are too good to say so. lam suoh a sad fellow, I am. Good-night. Miss Rose." " G'n'o — Mr De — Lisle." Voice from above tothereaouc: "Hello. You'd bettor change the form of that dialogue. It's good morning now." Th 9 front door alatns.

OETITKCt IT DOSE. " It's strange I can't get my wife to mend my clothes," remarked Mr Bridie disgustedly. '' I asked her to saw the bnttons on this vest this morning, and she has never touched it." "You asked her?'' observed Mr Norris with a Blight shrug of his shoulders. 1 ' Yes. What else should Ido ?"

" You haven't been married, very long, and perhaps you'll take a pointer from me," remarked Air Norris, with a fatherly air. "Never ask a woman to mend anything That's fatal."

" Why, what do yon mean? " "Do aB I do. Wheu I want to have, a shirt mended, for instance, I take it in my hand and hunt up my wife. ' Where's that ragbag, Mrs Norrii ? ' I demanded fiercely. " ' What do you want the ragbag for ?' she save suspiqiously. i ""'I want to throw this shirt away. It's all worn ont,* I reply. " 'Let me see it,' the demands. " But 1 pat the garment behind my back. " ' No, my dear,' I answer. • There is no use of your attempting to do anything with it. It needs 11 ' Let mo see it,' she reiterates. " ' But it's all worn out, I tell you.' " • Now, John, you give me that shirt !' sho says in her most peremptory tones. "I hand over the garment. •"Why, John Norris!' she cries with womanly triumph. ' This is a perfectly good shirt. All it needs is a new neckband. " • And the ouffs are ragged, too,' I answer mildly. ' '"'And new wristbands, and the buttonholes worked over,' she adds. " ' Well, never mind what it needs, I don't intend you Bhall bother with it. You'd only waste your time. You'll never get it to fit in the neofc anyway,' I throw in as a final olinoher. " ' That's just .like your extravagance,' she oriea. 'I'm gointo fix that shirt. . The idea of throwing away a, perfectly good garment ! I'll fix it so you can never tell the difference.' And she does. "That's the way I getmy olothos mended," concluded Mr Norns. " Juat tell a woman she can't do anything and then stand aside and aeo how quickly it is done." A ATISrACTOIIY BKPISITIOV. What is a kiss r" asked she, With a philosophio air. " A kiss," responded be, s Approaching near hor chair — " A kiss is— er— ah, well, 'Tis pleasnro, rapture, bliss ! 'Tia more than words can tell — Tia— acd tbia— and this !" A HcjiAX Faii.tn'g.— An old gentleman, evidently a gatherer of statistics, but with a kindly face whioh shaded off to something Use philanthropy about the edges, waft gazing; abstractedly down the avenue. Suddenly he stopped up to a gentleman who was awaiting a horße car, and, touching him lightly on the shoulder, said : "Excuse me, but did you juat drop a five-dollar bill?" at tho samo time holding out in liis hand the sum mentioned. The gontleman questioned pazed ft moment at the bill, assumed a look of excitement, made a hasty search of his pookets, and said : " Why, go I did, and I hadn't missed it ! " holding out an caper hand. The old man slowly drew forth a notebook and said : " I thought so." He then took the name and address of the loser, and putting the bill, in his pocket, turned away. " Well," said the other, "do you want it all as a reward?" "Oh, I did not tind one," returned the benevolent old man, " but it struck me that in a large city liko New York there must be a larpce qnnntity of money lost, and npon inquiry I find yon are the thirty -first man who has lost a fivedollar bill this very morning." — American paper. Tr-ha-ea-eoom-dk-ay. " How long," saya a contemporary, "can one live without airs ?" It depends on the air. Most people could live a long time without some of the aire whioh have been popular duriue tho last twelvemonth.