WIT AND HUMOUR.

Bush Advocate, Volume IX, Issue 796, 24 June 1893, Page 5

WIT AND HUMOUR.

ohk : " isn't it a pity that they don't have mistletoe on Thanksgiving as they do at Christmas?" He: "Do you think, Miss Maude, that it is always — cr — ahem — necessary?" She : "It seems to be to some men." The husband (on his deathbed) : "My darling, when I am gone, how will you ever be able to pay the doctor's biil?" The wife: " Don't worry about that, dear. If the worst , comes to the worst, I can marry the doctor, you know." I Miss Elder (severely) : "Mr Gazzam. 1 understand you havo been tolling people I talk too mncb." Gazzam (apologetically) : "My |. dear young lady, what I said wa9 that your volubility was devoid of terminal facilities." Miss Elder : " Oh, that's different. How people will get false impressions." , Fkiend of mamma (to little girl) : " Lottie, if you drink bo much tea you will be nn old maid." Lottie: "Oh, I don't believe that at all, Mr Harold. Mamma drinks tea, and she 1 han been married twice and she isn't an old maid yet. 1 ' "See hern, husband. The poet says, ' Woman is the Sunday of man.' What do you think of that ?" " Pretty good for a poet, fie's only one day off. If he bad said either Men-day—wash-day—or Saturday — pay-day— he'd been nearer right." He: "If you did not love me, why did you encourage me ?" She : "I? Encourage you ?" "F or two seasons you have accepted everyone of my invitations to the theatre, etc." " That wa3 not because I loved you, but because I loved the theatre." When a raan is generous to a fault it is never one of his wife's. A nkw broom sweeps clean, but it cannot ba compared with a now ucandal. Bessie: "He was very impudent. He put his arms around me twico." Jessie. "Kurnph! He must have had a very long arm." "Fine country, Efrypt; but what a heat! One day, under the Pyramids, I cooked Botne eggs in the sun." "Bless you, that's nothing to Zanzibar. There we cook our eggs in the moonlight." E.VAjroitKD youth (who has been bidding her good-bye for & half-hour): " Oh, darling, how can I leavu theof" Deep red voice (from top of stalls, with fiery Barcasm) : "I am coming down to show you how, young man." He (philosophical): -'Do you approve of going to the theatre?" She (practical) "Oh, thank you ! Any night you like." Husband : " My dear, do you know it is the fashion now to have a big clock at the head or the stairs?" Wife: "Yes, I know, but ours is not going there." "Why not?" "A clock at that point is not necessary. When you come home late I'll always be standing at the head of the stairs to tell you what time it is." She: "Engaged to two girls at the same time! Well, what are you going to do about it?" He: "Oh, I'm all right, but what are they going to do about it?" Penelope : " You wouldn't marry a girl for her money, would you F" Jack DaehiDg : " No, but I couldn't let a girl suffer merely because she was rich." Wife : A pretty life to lead— this ! AH for the sake of drink ! The day before yesterday you didn't get home till yesterday, yesterday you didn't come home before to-day, and now I wonder at you coming home before tomorrow." Fibst gentleman : " Excuse me, sir, but I notice that you aio looking at mo closely. Is there anything about me that ib familiar?" Second gentleman: " Yeß, there ib ; my umbrella." Husband : " Why do your clothes cost you a hundred pounds moro this year than they did last? A-en't things cheaper?" Wife: ''Yes, dear, Hint's just it. There are so many more bargains." Hk (wealthy, but shy) : " You think she will accept him ? Ho has nothing to make a girl love him!" She: "True: but, then, he has enough to make her marry him." Mother: "What did you do with that medicine the doctor left for you ?" Small boy : " I heard there was a poor sick boy in the back street, an' I took it round an' left it for him." " Do you believe man is made of dust, Mr Snip?" " Not all of them," said the tailor. " Dust always settles, and I know men who do not." Teacher : " Can any of yon boys tell me what the Gieat Plague was ?" Tommy : " Lessons." Pahkeb: "I know a girl who married a Chinaman." Mrs Parker: "Mercy! How could she?" Parker: "She was a Chinese herself." " Mamma, can't you tell me a new fairy story?" "I don't know any now ones, Johnny. Maybe your father will tell me Borne when he comes home to-night." Olehk at the book store: "Here it is, Mr Spotcash. Magazine for a busy man, ' Review of Reviews.' " Mr Spotcash (looking at it) : "Hum, too much of it for a busy man. Haven't you got a ' Review of the Review of Reviews? ' " Db. JonN Hall, of New York, is reported as Baying, that he. .finds it a means of grace to stand before one of the great store windows in Broad 1 way and thank the Lord for the large number of things in that window he can do without. " Well, aunt, have your photographs come from Mr Snappeachottp's ?" "Yes; and they vent back, too, with a note expressing my opinion of his impudence." "What was it?" " Why, on the back of every picture were these words— 'The original of this is carefully preserved.' " Strangeh (at the door) : "lam trying to find it lady whose married name I have forgotten, but I know she lives in this neighborhood.. She is a woman easily described, and perhaps you know her— a singularly beautiful creature, with pink and white complexion, seashell ears, lovely eyes, and hair such as a goddeßs might envy." Servant: "Really, sir, I dnn't know " Voice (from head of stairs): " Jane, tell the gentleman I'll be down in a minute/*