WIT AND HUMOUR.

Bush Advocate, Volume VII, Issue 475, 30 May 1891, Page 5

WIT AND HUMOUR.

AN EASY CHAIE Is stamped on every bar ef the Original Genuine Magic Soap, which washes clothes in 20 minutes, without rubbing or injury, and improves all it comes in contact with. Shilling bars, all grocers. Factory : Marnock Vale, Geelong. Office* 383 Pitt street, Sydney.— rADVT.] A boy can often make an ear-ring with a whistle. "Din your father leave a will?'' "No, no will— nothing but every-day bills." " Abb you a suitor for __ss Brown's hand ?' "Yes, but I didn't." "Didn't wha "Suitor." Mother Oat : " Tabitha, lam about to give you your choice of occupations ia life. What is your preference?" Young Tabby: "Lap-a-dairy, please, ma." He: "You remember you said last night that you would be a sister to me all my life?" She: "Yes, I did." He: "Well, I proposed to your sister Kate this afternoon, and, judging by what she said, I rather think you will." When fear comes to a pretty girl, Or terror may confound her, Just for protection's sake, of course, Why, put your armour 'round her.'' Old Lady (in druggist's, to small boy) : " What am Ito take this medicine in, sonny ?" Sonny: "Take it in your mouth, mum; 'taint to be rubbed on." An Unfailing Eemedy.— Mr. Shoddy: "I am going to move out of the house I'm living in now. The chimney smokes dreadfully, and I don't know how to stop it." Candid Friend: "I'll tell you how to stop it from smoking. Jußt give it one of thoße cigars you gave me the other day. If that doesn't cure it of smokino* nothing will." Citizen: "Yes, I have an umbrella that needs mending ; but if I let you have it, how am I to know that you will bring it back?" Umbrella Mender: "Haf no fear. I alvays sharge more for mending dan I could sell zee umbrella for." " Well, Tommy," said a visitor, "how are you getting on at school ?" " First rate,"" answered Tommy. " I ain't doing as well as some of the other boys, though. I can stand on my head, but I have to put my feet against the fence. I want to do it without heing'anywbere near the fence, and I think I can, after awhile." Ax old mau would not believe he could hear his wife talk at a distance of five miles by telephone. His better-half was in a country shop five miles away where there waa a telephone, and the sceptic was also in a place where there was a similar instrument, and on being told how to operate it ho walked boldly up and shouted, "Hallo. Sarah!" At that iustant lightning struck the telephone wire and knocked the man down, and as he scrambled to his feet he excitedly cried, " That's Sarah, every inch." Aoainst' Nature.—" Amanda," he bogged, still on his kness, "speak just one word." "George," was her reply, " I cannot. It is impossible ! No wonian could do it." A Progressive Stand-still. — She : "How is Mr. Carothers getting on with his love affair ?" He : " Well, he was holding his own when I stepped into the parlour last night." Warranted to Work.— Miss Longout : "They tell me arsonio is really good for the complexion. Now, Mr. Formula, you have studied chemistry so long. Is it really good?" Formula; "There is no doubt about it, Miss Longout. If you take enough of it, your complexion will never trouble you." A Forced March.- Tho voterans had been discussing the late unpleasantness when Wings broke in with: "Speaking of forced marches, I have taken part in several that have left an ineradicable impression on me." " But surely you were too young to have fought in the war?" "Oh, your war, yes. But" " Well, what war was it P An Indian uprising ? Under whose command wero you r " " I wa3 under tho command of Miss De Mascus's father and the family bulldog when I took my forced march. The impression of that forced march is with me still, though I rarely speak of it. Please ask the bulldog about it." The following is a copy of what purports to be a genuine composition on "Breathing," written by a boy in a Yorkshire school: — " Breath is made of air. If it wasu't for our breath we should die when we slept. Our breath keeps the life a-gohip* through our nose when we aro asleep. Boj's that stay in a room all day should not breathe. They should wait outside. Boys m a room mako carbonicide. Carbonicide is poisoner than mad dogs. A heap of soldiers waß in a black hole in India, and a carbonicide got in and killed nearly one before the morning. Girls kill the breath with corsets that squeeze the diagram. Girl's can't run or holler like boys, because their diagram is squeezed too much." A Preacher's Memory.- Not long ago, as Dr. John Hall, a famous New York preacher, was leaving his house inFifth Avenue, ho saw a young man looking at the numbers. From his dress and address he concluded that he had recently come from tho Emerald Isle, and was therefore a fellow countryman. As he seemed at a loss to find the houso for which he was searching, Dr. Hall nsked him if he could assist him with any information. "I am looking for Dr. John Hall," Baid the stranger. " I am he," modestly replied tho Fifth Avenue clergyman, "Aro you Dr. Hall?" "I ara." "Dili you come from Ireland ?" "I had tho good fortune to be born there." " Don't you know me Dr. Hall?" said the new arrival, after a moment's pause. " I regret to Bay that 1 cannot place you at this moment, though I may have seen you before." "Well, I think you have." Then he stopped for an instiint. as if to deepen tho impression that he had made, and to prepare the minister for the startling assertion which he was about to make. " Why. you baptised me twenty-five years ago in the old country, and yet you have forgotten me entirely!" "It was not a time for levity," added Dr. Hall, in relating the incident, " otherwise I might havo reminded the young man that he should have remembered the face of one who had sustained such an important relation to him in his early life."