WIT AND HUMOUR.

Bush Advocate, Issue 351, 9 August 1890, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOUR.

■ ONE THOUSAND POUNDS BEWARD Will be paid to anyone who can prove that " Genuine Magic Soap" injures the clothes or skill. If you want your washing done in 20 minutes without rubbing, see that you get the genuine article, which has stamped on every bar the registered trade mark — "A heart pierced with an arrow," and is made only by the inventors, The Victoria Soap and Candle Co.,Geelong. Cakpets, though bought by the yard, are worn by the foot. It is supposed that a hen lays an egg because she can't stand it on end. Many a man is ready to raise an objection who couldn't raise a cent. The Bilent man is the one we always listen to with the greatest pleasure. Tub man who is going down hill meets lots of people with their noses turned up. The employer is a man who gives his assistant a regular income at the risk of a mighty irregular one. What requires more philosophy than taking things as they come ? Parting with things as they go. 4ugsfl Women rarely are great inventors', though they are often the first to discover new wrinkles. The name given to an American baby waa Lynn C. Doyle, and, wonderful to relate, no one present at the baptism noticed the strange sound it made when pronounced. " What is it that most infallibly causes loss of memory?" "Tobacco?" "No." "Morphia?" "No." "Excessive drinking?" "No."- "What then?" "An act of kindness." Novice (his first ball) : " What shall I talk to my partner about?" Veteran: "Her beauty." Novice: "But suppose she has none?" Veteran: "Then about the ugliness of the other girls." At a foreign railway station : " Guard, can I smoke in this carriage ?" "No; it is against the rule." "Then where do all these cigar ends on the floor come from?" "From the smokers who have not asked permission." Colonel Blaze : "Sah, lam aKentuckian. There's my cahd, sah." Bijenkins: "I don't want it. I'm no fighter." Colonel Blaze: "Sah, you are a coward!" Bijenkins: "I know it and so do you, or you wouldn't have challenged me." " That cigar you smoke has its advantages." "Like it?" "No: that's just it. A friend doesn't feel hurt if you don't offer him one." Wife (reading an account of a wedding) : — " Why does the father always give away the bride ?" Husband : "To reduce expenses, of Somebody saya : " True happiness is found in pursuing something, not in catching it." The man who pursues the last car at night knows better. Mes. Wickwiee : " You know very well that your cigar bill for one day amounts fy) more than all my incidental expenses for a week." Mr. Wickshire : " Yes ; that's just a woman's luck. I wish I could get along as cheaply* as you can." The mouse that gets caught in a trap can never be so young that its friends will not say it waa old enough to have known better. Mrs. Ltjshley — And there you were when the policemen found you at 3 in the morning, hugging a cigar sign. Oh, its just awful. Mr. Lushley—My dear, it surely is not possible that you are jealous of a cigar-sign. Gamin (to street pedler) — Say, mister, are you really blind ? Peddler— No. I sell these cough drops for my blind brother, who stays round the conrer to look out for cops. Jack (leaving the lodge with Jem): Does your wife wait up for you when you are out late, Jem ? Jem (with a melancholy shake of his head) : She does, Jack ; she does, I'm sorry to say. " Why do you call a handcuff a bracelet ?" asked the commissioner of an Irish recruit at a recent police examination. " Faith, bekase it is intended for arrist," replied the applicant, and ho got the position at once. Dick : " I intend to marry you whether or no. I know you love me. I shall not go until I get your consent." Miss Flirtie : " You have it." Dick : " Ah, I knew I should triumph." Miss Flirtie : "Of course I meant my consent to go." The old Duchess of Gordon used to say to her cronies : " You know, my dear, when I don't know how to spell a word I always draw a line under it, and if it is spelled wrong it passes for a very good joke, and if it is spelled right it doesn't matter. ' Heavy as Lead.— First Policeman : "What's wrong wid hint, Jimmy ? Can't you lift him?" Second Policeman : "Not a hair can I move him." Party who has fallen: "It's no use, gentlemen ; you mig^ht just as well leave me. I've beon at a cooking school dinner, and I ate four different amateur naatries." Young Gentleman : " Yes, when I'm out I always walk in the middle of two fellahs or two gals, don't-cher-know !" One of Them : " But you should always tako the side nearest the road when you're with ladies, don't you know!" Young Gentleman : " Not for this child, bai love ! You get your trousers splashed by confounded cabs, don't-cher-know!" It is strange how often a person will ask a question and not remember the answer. It is recorded of some bishop that he asked no less than fourteen times after the deceased wife of one of his rectors. "How is your wife?" inquired he for the fourteenth time. " Still dead, my lord," waa the exasperated answer. Bawille Visitor: "Iwouldliketogetyou to teach me to sail a boat." Boatsman: "Sail a boat ? Why, it's easy as swimmin. Jest grasp the main sheot with one hand and the tiller with the other, and if a flaw strikes ease up or bring 'er too and loose the halyards ; look out fer the gaff and boom, or the hull thing'll be in the water an' yell be upsot ; but if the wind is steady y'r all right, unless y'r too slow in luffin' too, 'cause then y'll upsot sure. Jump right in an' try it ; but, remember, whatever ye do, don't jibe."

If you waken, do not call me ; do not call me, mother, deav. For I understand spring fever is around again this year. And the only way to take it with the best results is said To think awhile, turn over, and then snooze again in bed.

Whatever troubles Adam had, No man could make him soro 33y saying 1 when he told a jest, "I've heard that joke before."