Laugh With The World

Auckland Star, Volume LXX, Issue 207, 2 September 1939, Page 17 (Supplement)

Laugh With The World

good-looking new curate wanted to make a goo<l impression, as it was his first sermon. He determined not to neglect Ills personal appearance. Smoothing his hair, he said to the old verger. "Conkl you get me a glass? A small one will do." The verger hurried away, and returned concealing something under lu<* coat. "1 know what nervousness is, sir," he said, "so I've brought you a whole bottle!" ♦ + ♦ ♦ lovers from Aberdeen were on a trip to Edinburgh, and, as usual, Princes Street was the centre of attraction. After walking about, the young man noticed one of the picture houses, which displayed in bold letters "The Woman Pays!" 'Mean," said, he, "I think we'll gang in here I" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ A WOMAN took her sick husband to a hospital for treatment. Doctor (nfter examination): Your husband needs a complete rest. Here is a sleeping draught. Woman: When shall I give it to him?. Doctor: You don't give it to him—you take it yourself. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ The local silver band had a fresh conductor, had Mme now scores with him. first was handed out. "Heigh, Jack," said second cornet. "Hesta sin this ldt? There's six flats in it. Wo corp't .piny this." "Dorn't talk so daft," said first cornet. "We con tackle owt i" this band. Thee play three an' aw'll play three." ♦ - ♦ ♦ ♦ HOUSEWIFE entered an outfitter's shop and asked the assistant for a linen collar for her husband. "What size, madam?" "Sixteen and a half." "Just one?" The lady drew herself up and snapped: "Young man, are you inslnuatin' that I have more than one husband ?" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ JINKS: You look terribly depressed, old man. Binks: Ye *, I quarrelled with the missus, and she vowed not to speak to mo for a week. "Well, you must make the best of it." "I have, but the week's up to-day." <3>

1 Certainly Not! I Doctor: Your husband is not so well to-day. Is he sticking to the simple I diet I prescribed? j Wife: He is not, sir; he says he'll I not lie after starvln' himself to death ' j" s t for the sake of livinjr a few years ■ longer! ♦ * ♦ ♦ Practising Mrs. Raggleson : Wofyver's come over ver 'usband lately, Mrs. Raggers? T.'s cloin nothin' but sit nn' brood 011 t doorstep with 'is chin in 'is ands. Mix. Raggers: "'K ain't broodin' at all—'e's pinit is in" for t "local chess tournament. ♦ * * * Torture A man who was in court because he had knocked down and injured a man with his car said in hi* defence that he was driving at four miles an hour at the time of the accident. Whereupon the counsel for the victim countered with: "Gentlemen of > the jury, the driver of the car has just' stated that he was travelling at only four miles an hour at the time of impact. Think of it! The long agony of my poor unfortunate client, the victim, a« the car drove slowly over his body." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ A Friend In Need, And Deed The village policeman wm passing the local inn when noting that it was well past closing time he saw a man still fitting in the bar. He went to the proprietor and remonstrated. "That man should be outside," he said. "Yea," replied the proprietor, "but I can't get him out." "I'll aopn eee about that," replied the constable promptly, and pitched the unfortunate man out. "Thanks," replied the boss. "I've been trying to get him out for a long time. You see, he's the bailiff."

Behind The Times 1 He had lived all his life in a small 5 village. This was his first visit to London. Walking into a city post ] office he said: '"Half a pound of ham, , please."' j '"\\ e don't sell ham here," replied an ama/.ed young ladv assistant. "Ye dinna?"' exclaimed the villager in surprise. "Ye're awful behind the times, rriiss. In the post office where I come from they sell ham, apples, tirelighters. eggs and a lot of other things - a* well." | ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ An Inch At The Top An old Scotch lady had just sent for her gardener to cut the grass 011 the lawn. '"Cut it short," she said to him. "Mind, Donald, an inch, at the bottom is worth two at the to))." r I he work done the good ladv offered 1 Donald a gla<-s of whisky and proceeded 1 to pour it out, but showed signs of ; stopping Ix'fore the top was reached. "Kill it up," said Donald, "an inch at the top is worth two at the bottom." ' Proving His Case ; The policeman v.as suspicious. "How do you come to be in possession ' of that jar of honey?" he asked the 1 tramp. "I admit that I don't keep any bees," the wanderer replied, "but what's to stop a chap squeezing the honey out of the flowers himself?" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ | So She Sent Him » Albert was tired and weary after his ; long search through the shops. of the town. His wife hearing his step celled [ out: "Albert, were you successful?" ! "No, darling," he said. "I've been to ■ every shop in the town and they can't match this material anywhere." 1 "Isn't that lovely," his wife replied. . "I wanted to make sure that no one else could have a, dress made of it."

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ The Guy Five small boys were trundling a guy in a wheeled chair when a policeman came round the corner. The boys fled leaving chair and guy behind. Remarking to passers-by that he would have some fun out of the situation, the constable wheeled the guy down a side street. He left for a moment and then turned round. Imagine his surprise when he saw the guy running as fast as his legs would carry him, dragging the push chair behind him. * * ♦ ♦ Tit For Tat A Scottish cleric owned a farm, which was run as economically as possible. One day, taking a stroll, he saw his ploughman sitting idle on the handle of the plough while the horses took a needed rest. The sight shocked the good cleric-farmer's sense of economy. He* was paying the man sixpence an hour, so he said gently but reproachfully: "John, wouldn't it be a good plan for you to have a pair of shears to be trimming these bushes while the horses are resting?" John returned the minister's gaze and answered: "And might I suggest that you take a bowl of potatoes into the pulpit and peel 'em during the anthem?"