LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXX, Issue 99, 29 April 1939, Page 17 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

"J i invpr knew a winter like tliis," said a voice in ji r;i i 1 \vay carriage. addres.'iii'_' I hi' world in jjrnera 1. "I have,'' said ii cynical looking man in one ooni.T. have'.' When':'' cainc a surprised chorus t r• 1 iii I lie pa J,a.«t t-inn--111orsa id tin* c\ nic. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ A N Iri-hman a-ked another to coma and ilinp with 11 i 111 oil' Imi 1 cil heef iiml potatoes. "'l'liat 1 will." said the other; "111111 it's rather mid it. should lie exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, barring tin? beef." ♦ * ♦ ♦ J'VF. called to scp (ho old geyser,'' said the |> 1 ■ iml>«■ r. "'l-'.r l.id\ship's not at 'nine,' replied the well trained servant.. .Tack liik ;;ivcn tip smoking?" "Nes. On the advice of his doctor, nt the rei|iipst, of his wife, and by comma n• 1 of his mother in law." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Y WOM AN' liad not been feeling well, * and she decided to coiinilt a s|>ecial-i-t. "You arc just a little rim clown, madnni," iironoinui'il the jrrewt man. "">'on nee<l frequent liatlis and plenty of fresh air. I would aim advise you t:> dress in the coolest, most comfortable clothes. Kemember, nothing formal'' The woman returned home. "Well, dear," a-ked hpr husband, "what was the speci-.ili-t,'s opinion?" "He said that I must -o to the seaside, do a lot of motoring, and jret some new dresses."

♦ ♦ * ♦ The Courteous Reply A Romany family had just cleared away from near the vicar's home and left a dead donkey partly covered. The \icar wrote to the council about the donkey. They responded by sending a clerk to say that it was the vicar's duty to bury the dead. The vicar replied that he knew that but he just wanted to let the relatives know. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ A Heathen Mr*. Watts: How is the girl goinj on [ recommended to you? Mrs. SpatU: Oh, she's a perfect heathen. I left her to straighten things up before the minister called, and sh< never even dusted off the Bible! ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ A Doubtful Offer Mr. Doubtful: What would you say mv dear, if I were to give you th< money for a new hat for a New Year ; gift? Mrs. Doubtful: I wouldn t say a word .lulling, until I had the money in m: bunds, for fear you'd change you mind. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Ridiculous The conductor handed back the two shilling piece to the passenger. "Ihat n dud coin, madam," he explained. "Ridiculous!'' exclaimed the woman cxmmining the coin. "Why it s datei j ()01 Someone would surely hav noticed it before if it were bad." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ No Time Like the Present Snmll Bov (knocking at neighbour' n ior. K.riO New Year.'s Eve): l'lease, sii cjiii 1 let ver New Year iri? "Yes, sonny." Few minutes later boy calls agair s.iviny: Please, sir, can I let it in now i'ih iiiuvver says I've got to go to bed ♦ "♦ ♦ ♦ Awkward The lights had gone out in the 'bu ami the tall man asked t lie young lad, who had got on at the hist stop if h could help her to find a strap. "I've already found one. thank you, she replied. "Then." he asked, "would you niin lotting yo of my tie'.'"

Way Out 1'• >1 ice man: Anything t lie matter, sir ? Henpecked: I've been waiting here for over mi hour for my wife. Don't you think you might order me to move on, otliccr'.' ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Badly Put A cli'ivniiin 11;t(1 among his parishioners a rich, elderly *pin*ter whom he desired to honour by introducing her to the bishop. He meant well i:i this introduction, but he worded it: My lord, permit me to present to you one of my —er —one of my oldest sheep! ♦ ♦ ♦ * Concrete Two labourers* were talking. "Say, Bill." .-a id one, "you had more whool- ' i than I had. What's the difference between abstract and concrete?" ' Bill scratched his? head. "Well, Joe."' • he said slowly, "if my wife promises to make a eake, it's abstract. When she ' makes it it'a concrete." ♦ T ♦ ♦ Riposte Two butchers in the same street, one opposite the other were advertising their sausage*. The first one put up in bis window: "Sausages, lod per lb. To pay more is to be robbed." His rival countered with: "Sausage**, 1/ per lb. To pay less is to l>e poisoned." Number one then announced: "Our oausagee still 10d per lb. As supplied to H.M. the King." But' victory rested with his rival whose final notice read eimply: "God eave the King!" -i

Solving the Problem "Where's your pencil, Alf?" "Ain't pot one, teacher." "How n';i'iy times have I told you not to . ;hat? Listen: I haven't got one, you liavent pot one, we haven't got one, they haven't got one " "Well, where are all the blinkin' pencils V'

uc I'uzzlod ]>y a big " D " painted on tlie side of the dustbin, 1 lie new maid asked the footman about it. "Damsel,'' said the footman in haughty toiler, "the 'D' on the dustbin denotes that tlie despairing domestics of this detaclied domicile desire that the dutiful dustmen dining their daily diversions will dislodge deftly and delilteratelv the dirt an<l dust deposited in that dreadful dustbin."