LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXX, Issue 35, 11 February 1939, Page 17 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

JJOY: My mother says there was a pound of sand in the last box of prunes you sent up. Grocer: Well, you tell your mother that was the' best scrubbing sand. She is a good customer and I threw that in. ♦ + ♦ + "rjTHERE is Hit one kind of rock that grows," said the professor. "Can any of you mention it?" "Yes, sir," replied the Irish boy; "the shamrock." + ♦ ♦ * (to manager): Poor house to-night. Manager (to actor): Poorhouse to-morrow, you mean. + ♦ ♦ ♦ 'JiJfcU.S is the fourth morning you've overslept, Susan," said the mistress. "Where is the clock I gave you?" "In my roon , ma'am." "Don't you wind it up?" "Yes, ma'am, I wind it up." "And do you set the alarm V' "Yes, ma'am." "And don't you hear the alarm in the morning?" "No, ma'am. You see, the thing always goes off while I am asleep." ± * ♦ *

rpsE blacksmith's sweetheart entered ' the forge just as he paused to wipe the sweat from his brow. "Shall we go to the pictures to-night> Jake?" she asked. "Nay, lass," he replied, "I am playing darts for the club." "I am tired of you and your silly darts." The blacksmith, picking up the heavy hammer, pleaded, "Come, come, a man mnst get some exercise sometimes." + + + + gTRANGER: In what direction does the village lie, my friend? Villager: Well, sir, it's liable to lie in any direction, but at this time of the year it's mostly about football. ♦ -♦ ♦ ' > " Y ES ," the chemist said, "I stock various types of pain-killer. Where is your pain?" "I don't know that yet," Tommy replied; "dad won't know about who broke the window till he gets home!" + + + + L ADY (to shop assistant): Are you sure this bacon was home-fed? Assistant: Well, ma'am, did ever you hear of pigs living in lodgings? ♦ * ♦ ♦ [_j UBBY: Are you aware, my dear, that it takes three-fourths of my salary to meet your bills? Wifey: "Good gracious 1 What do you do with the rest of your money?

Disguised "Well,, Johnny, how do you iike vour new schools'' asked his aunt at the' tea table. I don t like it, aunty," he replied. "However is that?" "You .see, they made me wash my face yesterday, and when I came home our • Rover bit me." * ♦ ♦ + Mutual) Sympathy The landlord was taking his morning walk when he saw one of his tenants eating Oiis midday meal by the roadside. "What's wrong, John? Why are you dining outside on such a cold day?" "Oh, the chimney smokes sir," was the reply. Thinking he would find out the cause of the smoke, the landlord went over to the house, but as he opened the door •he received a whack on the head with a broom, followed by the words: "Are yon back again, you old devil?" Cloei ng tlhe door, he went over to John, patted him on - the back, and said, sympathetically: "My chimney smokes, too, su :netimes!"

f ♦ + ♦ The Stolen Hearts He: Remember, you're taking my heart with youl She: You. are the fifth manH'hat has told me the same thing. Yousmust all think I am a pork packer." ♦ ♦ + !* A New Customer 1 Customer: I hear that myseon has owed you a suit for three y«ars! Tailor: Yes, sir; have you,-called to settle the account? Customer: No; I'd like a suit for myself on the same terms! ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Bat* in the Belfry i The choir boys were organising a cricket team and, -being shorkrof equipment and money, decided to] ask the vicar for his assistance. So tlbic leading choir boy wrote to the vieac, saying: "We should be glad of any financial assistance you could give lis. JiSso, could we please have the use of • the bats which the verger .says -you haare in your belfry?'' + + + S * Proof n He was applying for a navvyfs post on an excavation job. "Do you think vou - are fit!' for really hard labour ?" asked the foreman. "Well," replied the applicant, "some of the best Judges in the cotDHitry have thought so!" ♦ ♦ ♦ I ♦ Making Sure A well-dressed womnr waTkied into the fashionable milliner's ehop .-and asked for the manageress. "I see from your advertisements," she said, "that you have just received two thousand hats from Paris." . "That is so, moddom," replied the manageress. "Good!" replied the 6he removed her hat. "I wish toftry them on."

Making Little Progress Smith: Have you and your wife decided yet what to name the baby? Jones: N-no, not quite; but the list of three hundred and sixty names which my wife picked out has been reduced to one hundred and seventy. Smith: Well, that's making progress. Jones: Y-e-s; but you see, about half of the three hundred and sixty names were for another kind of a babv. •K ♦ ♦ ♦ Super Salesman A super-salesman walking along Southend Pier was just about to jump oyer the end when a policeman stopped him and said, "You can't do that, you know." , After they had walked up and down talking for about half an hour, they both went to the end and jumped over. + ♦ ♦ ♦ Poor Congratulation Smithers.: How is your wife going on now? Bit'hers: Alt right now; able to <>et out. - 'Smithers: I> must congratulate you. Bithers: Hum! Well, .! dunno; she goes to the dressmaker's every time. *■♦ ♦ ♦ A Cancelled Order i Mrs. McTaggart (in U.S. on 'phone to the butcher) Say, butcher, listen! Ye mind the meat I order this morning, and the Ave cents' worth of lights ? Butcher: Yes, marm. _ Madam: You don't need to send the lights the noo, as the cat's* caught a moose! Butcher: That, sure is some cat! * :"♦ ♦ ♦ Voluntary Prohibition Pat's wife awoke in the small hours to hear him stealthily moving things about in the kitchen. _ "What might ye be looking for, darlin' ?" she asked. "Nothing," said Pat, with great carelessness, "just nothing." "Oh!" said his wife helpfully. "Then ye'll find it in the bottle where the whisky used to be." ♦ ♦ + "+ Strategy The meek little man came up to the policeman on the street corner. "Excuse me. constable," he said, "but I've been waiting here for my wife for over half an hour. Would you be kind enough to order me to move on?"