LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 136, 11 June 1938, Page 19 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

TONES: I say, waiter, here's half a crown. Waiter: Thank you, eir. I suppose you want me to reserve a table for you? Jones: No, I don't. I shall came in here in about 10 minutes' time with two ladies, end I want you to tell me that all the tables are engaged.

WAITRESS (sarcastically): Are these your three half-pennies you forgot, oa the table! Scotsmen (feverishly): "Ay, ay, I ken the dates, 1890, 1001 and 1922."

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ "WHAT'S a gratuity, Sandy?" "A gratuity," replied Sandy, "is what an Aberdeen fermer disna gie a laddie for handin' his horse."

" T'M determined to get on," the young business man told his friend, "so I'm taking a course at a school of languages." "What language are , you learning?" "Scottish."

"T'VE seen better days, eir," eaid the tramp to an Aberdonian who replied: "So have I—but I havena' time to discuss the weather in the noo."

A LITTLE girl wae kissing her father good-night. "Oh, daddy," she exclaimed, "ercn't you scratchy to-night? •'lndeed," replied the fond parent, stroking his chin, "it can't be so very bail. I seem to rw/nember shaving this morning." "Did you, daddy? Well, then, it s —it'e awfully tall for ite age."

A MAN was knocked down by a motor car, and people started to search his pockets. A woman in the crowd anxiously said: "Is he dead?" Someone standing by said: "He must be, he comes from Aberdeen."

" CO he doesn't call his pretty little home 'The Nutshell' now? Why did 4ie change it?" "He's got tired of wits ringing the bell to ask if the kernel was

A N Englishman owned a number of horses and had a reputation for his skill in treating them. A fermer approached the horse-owner'e little boy. "When one of your father's horses is ill, what does he do?" "Do you mean slightly or seriously ill?" asked the boy, cautiously. "Oh, seriously ill. But why do you ask?" "Well, if a horse is only slightly ill, he givee it medicine; but if it ia seriously ill he sells it."

" "TjUNNO what to give my wife for her birthday." "Ask her." "Great Scott, I cau't afford thatl"

"T SEE that Miss Robinson has joined the great majority." "What do you mean?" "She has married a fellow named Smith." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ "Y£RS. NEWRICH was having her house redecorated. ''I've just finished the drawing room," said the foreman; "what shall we do next?" "You can do the dining room on Thursday." "What shall we do in the interim?" "Paper that. too." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ rpHE conference was over and the ladies were returning from seeing visitors off. "Whom did you have, Mrs. .Tones?" asked one hostess. "Quite a nice clergyman. Whom did you have?" "I had two locust preachens." "You mean local preachers. Locusts are those things that come in swarms and eat up everything." "That's right. I had two of them." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ XTE was on his way home with .his new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it suddenly struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice on the way he stopped, counted his parcels, and «—i-'iad his pocket-book but finally decided he had everything with him. When he reached home hi« daughter ran out, stopped with a eurprised look, and cried: "Why, father, where's mother?" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ f)y April 1 Phyllis bounced into the drawing room. "Oh, nnimmie. there's a man upstaire kissing nurse." "Don't tell stories, you naughty child," said her mother. "But it's true, mummie. it's true." Phyllis waited till her mother wae half-way up the stairs, then she celled out: "April fool, mummie. It> only daddy."

Slow But Sure Archie: Why do you call me "Pilgrim?" Mabel: Well, every time you call you make a little prognose. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Safe Horace: If you love me, why did you refuse me at first? Mainline: Just to see what you would do. Horace: But I might have rushed o(T without waiting for an explanation. Mainline: Hardly. I had the door locked. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Retort A lawyer, being interrupted, said: I will epeak, sir, a* long as I please. "You have *-pokeii longer than you please," was the opponent's smiling reply. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Trouble "What's the matter? You look rutTW." '"Had a row with a follow about my driving in tniflic." "Why didn't you call a policeman?'' "He Wiw a policeman." ♦ ♦ ♦ -f Open, Sesame Much to the curious little girl's diegust, her elder eister and her girl friends had quickly cloeed the door of the back parlour before she could wedge hei small *elf among them. She waited uneasily for a little while, then she knocked. No response. She knocked again. Still no attention. Her curiosity could be controlled no lorigor. "Kitty," *she called, in staccato tones as she knocked agftin, "'tain't me; itV mamma."

Prepared Hubby was leaving on a busineee trip, and had decided to take three umbrellas with him. "Why three umbrellas, my dear?" asked his wife. "Well," he replied, "one to leave on the tram, the other to be left in the train, and the third in case it rains."

Overhauled '"I'm a eelf-made man." . "You're liK-ky. I'm the revised work of a wife and' three daughters." ■f ♦ + ♦ Strange Silence If you ran start on a motor tour with t,he certainty of knowing where you're going— Or if you don't have to stop every five minutes to look at your gae and oil — Or if yon make every turn and detour correctly, according to the guide book — Or if you are driving along at JiMt tho right speed for comfort and safety — Or if you're certain that there isn't a squeak or rattle in the car— l-iook around, old top; she's either asleep or she's fallen out somewhere.