LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 118, 21 May 1938, Page 17 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

jyjARRIED Daughter: 'I do wish you'd learn not to drop your aspirates, father. You never hear Cecil doing it.' Father: Pity 'e isn't as careful with 'is vowels. 'Es got 1.0.U.'s lying about all over the place. t ♦ ♦ ♦ QOUNTRY Lass: Garge, you and Ibe coorting now for nigh on ten year, it's 'bout time we thoort o' getting wed. Garge: Aye, lass, but 'oo would 'ave us now ? —"Punch."

"Q.OING far?" asked the chatty little man in the corner of the railway carriage. "Only to Scotland," replied the other, who hated talking to strangers. "I'm a commercial traveller. My age is 4G. I am married. My name is Henry Brown. I have a son of 19. He is in business in London. I have a niece with red hair. Our charlady's name is Mrs. Robinson. Is there anything else?" The chatty little man smiled affably. "What oil do you use for' your tongue?" he inquired. -f ♦ + ♦ \X7HEX an old country postman was near the end of his walk, he was stopped by a lady visitor. "Have you any letters for me?" she asked. "No. ma'am." "How do you know when you do not know my name?" "The only letters I have left are for the Earl of Moray, and I know you're not him."

" J THINK it shows very poor taste when people ask personal questions." "So do I. Sue asked me the other day how murh John earned a week." "How horrid! What did you tell her?" ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ TACK: I can't sleep most nights. What can I do about it? Bill: Lie on the edge of the bed, and you are sure to drop off. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ "p'RTKND: Tell me your secret of success. TTow have you obtained so many customers in such a short time? Grocer: I pot a parrot and trained it to cry out, 'Oil! isn't she lovely!' every time a lady entered the shop. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ A BSENT-MTXDKD Professor: Now. **" why on earth did Igo home for this spade? T couldn't possibly went it for digging with all this snow about. Irft me think, now Ah. yes. I romcm>K>r! My wife's back there in a snowdrift! * ♦ ♦ ♦ Curiosity Satisfied Daughter: How many wives can a man have? Mother: Sixteen, my dear. Daughter: How do you make -that out? Mother: He takes for better —for worse —for richer—for poorer. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ No Grievance A small child on her first day at school was found in tears by the teacher. When the teacher asked what was wrong, the child sobbed: "They say that I've got to stay here until I'm 14." The teacher smiled and said: "There's nothing to cry about. You're lucky. I've got stay here until I'm 05." ♦ + + ♦ "Out of the Mouths of Babes" Young hopeful, aged two and a half, had been outride watchirfjt the concretemixing machine churning up the materials for the new road. On returning to the kitchen he found mother cake-making. After gazinjr for a moment at the soft-fruity mixture she was beating round the bowl he exclaimed: "Oo! Mumm v's conkeet-mixer."

""DOCTOR, I want you to look after my eurgery while I'm on holiday." "I've only just graduated. I've had no experience." "That's all right, old chap. My practice is etrictly fashionable. Tell the men to play golf, and ship the lady patients to the Continent." + + + + WIFE: I think you ought to talk to me while I sew. Hubby: No; you sew to me while I read. ♦ * * ♦ JpATHER (to Willie, w?iom he has caught smoking) : Willie, I'm surprised at you! When I was your age I never smoked. You'll never be able to say that to your little boys when you grow up. "Xo, daddy. I don't s'pose I shall. At least, not with *uch a straight face as you do, anyway." ♦ ♦ + ♦ "rpHE man who pives in when he is wrong," said the street orator, "is a wise man, but he who gives in when he is rijrht is " "Married," said a meek voice in the crowd. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ "M adamyour doc has bitten a piece out of" my leg!" "Impossible! The little darling simply hates meat." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ rpHTC fat man and his wife were returning to their seats in the theatre after the interval. "Did I tread on vour toe as I went out?" he asked of the man at the end of the row. "You did," replied the other grimly, expecting at least an apology. The fat man turned to his wife. "All right, Mary," he said, "this is our row." ♦ * + ♦ Reconstruction The village constable was undergoing an examination for promotion. "Suppose," said the examiner, "that you were accosted late one evening by a young woman who tells you that a .stran<re younjr man has embraced and kissed her. What would you do?" The constable, answering without hesitation: "I should endeavour, sir, to reconstruct the crime, with the young woman's assistance." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Take Courage A shabbily-dressed man was standing in front of a block of flats, and from her window above an old lady noticed that several people stopped and gave him money. The scene touched her deeply. She wrote on a piece of paper: "Take courage." put it in an envelope with a 10/ note and tossed it to the man. That evening (he man came up to her and whispered: ''Here's your £10, lady. Take Courage won at 20 to I."