THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIX, Issue 67, 21 March 1938, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEW ABOUT TOWN.) Sam Jones Is one of those chaps who run a revivalist meeting in the one country where revivalists eeein to prosper—America. Sam's little church is at place FINDING called Pulaski, and reTHEM OUT. cently he felt that some of his flock had slipped a little and were not quite so good as they should be. Stepping down from his pulpit and looking solemnly over his audience, he eaid: "I want all the women in this crowd who have not epoken a harsh word or harboured an unkind thought toward their husbands for a month past to stand up." One old woman, apparently on the shady side of sixty, stood up. "Come forward and give me your hand," said the preacher. The woman did so; whereupon Jones said: "Xoiv turn around and let this audience see the bestlooking woman in the county." After taking her eeat, the revivalist addressed the men: "Xow I want all the men in this crowd who have not epoken a harsh word or harboured an unkind thought towards their wives for a month past to stand up." Twenty-seven big, strapping fellows hopped out of the audience with alacrity. "Come forward and give me your hands, my dear boys." Jones gave each one a vigorous shake, after which he ranged all of them side by side in front of the pulpit and facing the audience. He looked them over carefully and solemnly, and thai, turning around to the audience, he said: "I want you all to take a good look at the twenty-seven biggest liare in the State of Tennessee."— Johnny. Uvery school class contains at least one naughty boy who, through a too-ardent interest in pictures, fishing, etc., omits to devote the requisite time CHILD MIND. to homework. Little Willie, whose scholastic career had to this time stamped him champion of champions in the above class, at last reformed. One night he carried out teacher's instructions to the letter, or rather to the figure, for he studiously pored over his arithmetic book, memorising hie ta-bles, etc.. until about 8 p.m. Next morning his school mistress put his scholastic talents to the test. Said ehe, "Multiply seven by eeven." Promptly came Willie's answer, "Forty-nine, miss." "Quite good," eaid the astonished pedagogue. At thie «tage Willie's studious efforts manifested themselves in a major degree. "It's more than -good, miss. It'e damned well The above etory recalls to ray mind a charming effort by one 'business man to describe another to his friend*. "That fool!" said he disgustedly. "He," is the most stupid man that I have ever met. In fact I believe he wae sixteen years old before he learned to wave ta-ta."—B.C.H. Oh, where is the prophet that knowe what grief we are destined to suffer; for Ru>°rby, the edict now goes, will have to be sterner and tougher. We haven't WANTED— forgotten the wav the TOUGH GUTS. Springboks collected our fleeces; we thought we were abb; to play, but, oh. how they took us to pieces; and now the dark secret is out; it wasn't that dive-pass of Craven's, although that assisted, no doubt, to feed the All Blacks to the ravens: but even if that had been barred, we'd still have been beaten; and this fe because, when they should have played hard, our teams were a party of sissies. No wonder we're starting to lag. and Maoriland's glory is waning, when pastimes like modified "tag" come under the heading of training. The public, disgruntled, awaits the end of such decadence seedy; eo Lofty home from the States, and send out a call for MeCready.— Sin bad. "Touchstone" writes: A reader has taken exception to the sentence "to make a note of." with which one of these scrappy notes on English ended, and wishes PREPOSITIONS, to know whether prepositions ouglit not to live up to their name and be placed before the words they govern. Columns might be written on 'thie subject, but it is sufficient to quote that great authority, H. W. Fowler, in reply to what he calk "the cherished superstition" that the reader puts forward. He says that th? remarkable freedom enjoyed by English in putting its prepositions late and omitting its relatives is an important element in the flexibility of the language. He quotes Bacon, Cowper and Buskin as men who ended a sentence with a preposition when they felt inclined ;o do so, and gives the following instances, I among other*, of the practice of the greatest writers:—Shakespeare: Such bitter business as the day Would quake to look on. Chaucer: But y;t to thk thing ther is yit another thing y-ioigned. more to ben wondred upon. Spenser: Yet childe ne kinsman living had he none to leave them to. Jonson: Prepositions follow sometimes the nouns they are eoupled with. Bible: I will not leave thee until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of. Miltou: What a fine conformity would it starch us all into. '"If it were not presumptuous, after that, to offer advice." Fowler adcln. "the adviea ' would be: Follow no arbitrary rule, but ! remember that there are often two or more \ possible arrangements between which a choice j should be consciously made; if the abnormal, ! or at least unorthodox, final preposition that I has naturally presented itself sounds comfortable, keep it; if it does not sound comforta'ble, still keep it if it has compensating vigour, or wheu among awkward possibilities it is the least awkward." :

If the writer was asked what he consider* the inost foolish story to tell in strange company he would instantly reply. "The true story of Pelonis Jack."' PELORUS JACK. Interesting as the story is. it<i very truth make* it an impossible story to tell, ■especially if ■the teller i<s at all sensitive. There is something about the story of "the only lUh ever , protected by Act of' Parliament"'that rings !"(ishy" in the very ears of the teller himself. Once in a thousand years one can get away with it. but as a general rule, amidst the eilence that follows, one who wishes to be your friend takes you aside and asks you confidentially "if you feel better now/" It's a painful business, and personally I have sworn never again to be dragged into telling the cursed story again. Centuries a-ro a crowd of u« were invited to Lord Somethings place near Hornchurch Camp. Out on the" lawn a 42nd Reinforcement lad who had been to the 'Varsity was giving a lecture on the '"Flora and Fauna of Enzed." Everything was hushed and we were bored stiff. After' listening to him we were convinced that Kirk and Checseluan were the veriest amateurs, and the word was passed to "choke him." Finally. "Shorty*" reminded him "to be sure and tvlj the ladies about our Boomerang tree." Unfortunately, the botanical lad was wise and advised "Shorty" to "tell it himself, as he was more of an authority on th<? subject." There \v.w 1.10 hope for "Shorty"': everyone insisted, and the poor devil had to stand up there and make it up as he went. And what a yarn it was! After twenty years I can still laujh at it. It was the wildest, weirdest, maddest yarn I ever heard, and the ladies took it as 'srosjiel. And then-i-but I hate to tell it. Some' crazv hinatie urged poor "Shorty"' on to tell them about Pelorus Jack. What an anti-climax! I <»»_ still see that poor goof standing there "waiting for the ground to open up and swallow him." After the first awful minute of polite frigid silence, all time ceased. It wae a dead end to what could have l>een a perfect day. In a few awful seconds it seemed we were all alone where Greta Garbo wants to be. Later, on the way to our hut we told "Shorty" the fault was not his. It was the fish's for being so impossible that one was regarded as a liar and a fool to even tell about it. If you doubt these remarks, try telling the story to a crowd of intelligent people yourself.—Huek Finn.