LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 300, 18 December 1937, Page 11 (Supplement)

LAUGH WITH THE WORLD

Not So Sure First Farmer: Which is correct—a hen is sitting, or a hen ia setting 1 Second Farmer: I don't know, and I don't care. All I worry about is when she cackle*, is she laying or lying? ♦ ♦ ♦ * Distance No Object A Scotsman from the remote Highlands paid his first visit tp London. At Eu«ion a taxi driver said, "Taxi, sir?" The Scot shook his head. Next day he went to Bristol. When he emerged from the station a voice said, "Taxi, sir?" "No thank ye," roared the Scot, "I said 'No' in London and I meant it. Now stop following me about." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Sure He Couldn't Said the old gentleman with temperance tendencies, "I wonder how much beer you drink during the day, Wilks J" "I don't know, 'zactly, Mr, Gurney," replied Wilks, "but I reckon about three quarts." "Dear me! I couldn't drink that amonnt of water." "No, Mr. Gurney, I don't think I could, either." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Danger A party of hikers were admiring the view from a precipitous crag. Suddenly one of them turned to an old yokel standing near. "This is a most dangerous point," he said. "Why isn't there a warning notice up?" "Ah!" said the old man. "We had one once, but the council took it down when nobody fell over." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Gnutritious It was his first experience as an explorer in darkest Africa, and during the day's outing he had seen a great many gnus. His guide informed him that these animals made most excellent eating. In the evening, tired out and hungry, he returned to camp. He found that the cook had excelled himself, and on his plate was a'delicious steak. After th® meal he called the cook. "This is the finest steak I have ever tasted," he complimented the man. Then, as an after-thought, he added: "Is it gnu?" "No, sah," replied the cook, "but it is as good as new." ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ Not Probable A certain contractor was very annoyed at an accident that had damaged one of his vans. "Look here, Frobisher," he said, "just tell me what happened, will you?" "Well," replied the driver of the damaged van, "I wag driving my van up the High Street when a car shot out of a side turning. I pulled up dead, an' a chap in a big car ran into the back of my van." _ The employer nodded briefly. (( He jumped out," continued the other, aa shouted, 'Why didn't- you put out yer hand?' 'Put out my hand,' I says. 'If you couldn't see the van, how could songer. "Five of them."

Bad Guess

A woman, apprehensive that she should pass her destination, poked the bus conductor with her: umbrella.

"Is that the Bank of England?" she asked.

"No, mum," replied the conductor, "them's my ribs."

♦ m rf

Just the Man

"David," said the parson to the gardener, "sometimes I've reproved you for having recourse to strong language. But we will talk about that on some future occasion. Just now I want you to go over to Wilkins, the jobbing mason, and settle this little bill of seven pounds fifteen for repairing the vicarage chimney pot; And you might talk to him, David, asif it were your own bill."

Easy Money A visitor from a most friendly nation, France, arrived in London the other day. After taking a taxi to her destination, she asked the fare. "A bob," said the driver. "A what?" she asked. "A bob." "Wliet is a bob?" "Don't you know what a bob is"?" said the driver. She shook her head. "Well, a bob's a half-crown." "A half-crown?" she repeated. "Don't you know what that is ?" asked the driver. "I don't," she replied. "Well, look here; I'll shoiv you," said the driver as he took a shilling from his pocket and held it up to the pasyou see my hand?'"

Every Time

He felt that he was getting too fat, so he went to his doctor about it. "The finest way to slim," the doctor told him, "is to shake the head slowly and deliberately." "And how often should I do that?" asked the patient, looking puzzled. "Every time your pais say 'Have a drink."

* ♦ ♦ *

No Chance to Practice

"No, Johnny, one piece of pudding is quite sufficient for a boy of your age."

Johnny: It's funny, mother, you are always saying you are anxious that I should learn to eat properly, and yet you won't give me ft chance to practice.

The Young Idea Employer: What's your excusc for being late this time? Office Boy: Stop me if you've heard this one before. ♦ ♦ * * Order, Please He had been celebrating ratlier too well, and sat at the restaurant table more or less oblivious of life surroundings. The waitress said, "Order, please!" No reply. "Order, please!" she asked again, this time loudly. The man oast a defiant but sleepy look •upwards. "Why should I keep order 1" he murmured. "I'm not making a noise!" g

What a Memory

"Mr. Jones left his umbrella again I do believe he'd lose his head if it were loose."

"I dare say you're right. I hoard him say only yesterday that he was going to Cornwall for hie lungß."

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

Still Alive?

"Are these fish fresh?" asked a woman, buying her green grocery from a costermonger.

The coster looked at his stodc on hie cart. "Freeh this morning, mum. Why, just look at 'em." And turning to hi* wares lie shouted, "Lie still, can't yer? Lie still." ♦ ♦ * ♦ All He Knew About It The 6clioo? teacher was taking a class in local geography. "Xow, boys," said he, "can you Dame any of the chief products of th» Midlands?" "Hardware, sir," said Bobby, ae the teacher pointed to him. "Quito correct," replied the teacher; then turning sharply to a boy in the front row, he asked: "What is hardware, David ?" "Corduroy trousers, 6ir," was the prompt reply. * * * * Good Business The children were on their way back from school, and were discueßing the job which their respective parents did. "My father's a butcher," eaid the first proudly. "And mine's ft jeweller," replied the second, haughtily. They turned to the third. "What do your people do?" they asked. "They're in the iron and steel trade," came the answer. "Mother irons and father steals." + + + * Not What She Meant It was the rush hour at a small railway station. "Over the bridge for Dudley," shouted a busy porter loudly. "Over the bridge for Dudley." An old lady tapped him on the arm. "Which is the train for Dudley, my man ?" she asked. "Over the bridge for Dudley," he replied. "But I have a tin chest," she answered. The porter clenched his teeth"Madam," said he, "I don't care if you have a brass back, copper legs juid iron feet, it's over the bridge for Dudley." * * ♦ * Liquid Assets The thrifty wife had persuaded her husband to buy a small cask of beer instead of going each evening to the local "pub." When he had drunk the first glass his wife said, "Now, John, lad, you can" reckon you've saved a penny," "You're right, la»," he replied, "I'll draw another one and make it two"pence we've saved. At this rate I'll I soon be able to buy thee a fur coat."