THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 222, 18 September 1937, Page 8

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.) Once upon a time I designed and executed a bookplate for a friend. I still have designs on my friend and still wish to execute him. The recipient of my DHOP-KICKS. artistic triumph had the audacity to purloin one of my own books. The tonic in question was one which I prized greatly owing to the fact 'that its contents would have provided suitable reading for my children during winter evenings. It was entitled "A Handbook on Hanging." By no stretch of imagination could one suggest that the work contained "uplift" qualities, but nevertheless amid its "obiter dicta" it displayed an actuarial table indicating the length of "drop" 7iecessary and essential in proportion to the weight of the condemned person. Like most of the characters in it, the book was faithfully executed and the memory of [its contents prompts nic to quote an extraordinary law existing in Utah, U.S.A., under | which the condemned one. is permitted to choose his mode of departure—to be shot or handed. Statistics show that 10 out of 20 preferred the shooting exit. The twentieth man, on being questioned by the authorities, answered snecringly, "I wanna be hanged because T know it will cost the State more." One could almost term this the workings of a Savage mind.—B.C.H. There ought to be a law to deal with women with perambulators; there should be a law to deal with stout old ladies who will stop slap in the middle PAVEMENTS. <>f the pavement to gossip. There should be laws to deal with the many and varied things that hold me up when I am trying to hurry along the pavement. From which outburst yon will gather that lam peeved. I am. There seems always to be a conspiracy against me. Once I stopped on the pavement to wait for a fellow who ought to have been there waiting for me and wasn't. I bad hardly brought myself to a stop when a policeman politely told me that I couldn't do that port of thing, and he made roe move. Yet when old ladies stop to impede my progress there is never a policeman in sight to move, them on. So you sec the dice are loaded against me and I lead a harassed existence. The ideal world would be a place where everybody was in a hurry when you were in a hurry, so that this business of dodging hither and yon on the pavements would he done away with. Sometimes —not often—l am in a hurry. As sure as that happens a perverse fate decrees that the population to a man—and a woman—shall elect to saunter and to stop and to chat. I have long since stopped trying to get about the city streets on the late shopping night. If I had not done so I would ere this have been dealt with by the law for assaulting somebody—or dealt with in the hospital for having tried to assault somebody who proved better at the assaulting business than T. The unhappy position seems to me that in spite of the Labour Government and in spite of Mr. Semple the world is still rather a dreadful place io live in, and the only pleasure it affords is the rather negative one of gramblhi" about it.—B.O'N. e

On a ten-mile run last evening was noticed three motorists parked on the side of the road having trouble with their cars. Two were changing tyres and the THE BLUFF. third had the bonnet up

■i»d was tinkering with the inner workings in an endeavour to get the car headed for home. Motoring is the ideal mode of travelling when things are going right. Sitting in your own limousine, or even a hiied car, is the last word in comfort and vastly different from the days now long since passed when, if you wished'to take a run to the country, you hired a horse and gig and paid to the livery stable keeper so much per hour on your return. There is a story told of a young man and his girl friend who so hired a horse and trap one Sundav. They left the stable somewhere about two 'in the afternoon and were expected back about five. That hour passed, so did six, seven and eight, and the livery stable keeper was becoming anxious when he heard the rattle of hoofs on the road. Into the stable drove the young man. The pony was in a hither, his sides were belching in and out like a concertina, and it was apparent he had "been going some.'' As the young man jumped down from his seat he was told that the "damage" was a. "fiver." "\\ hat?" said the young fellow. "I didn't buy the turnout; I only hired it." "All ri"-ht " said the owner. "When you left here with i TC la<ly ? on drovc t0 tlie Junction Motel. Then you went on to Onehunga, where you pulled up at. another hotel. From there .vou headed for Mangere, and ." "Hold on." said the young fellow. "How do you know all this, and how much do you know?" "Well, young fellow, I haven't re'allv started to toll you anything at all yet." '"George." said the girl, "for heaven's sake give him the fiver. It was just a system livery stable keepers and rouseabouts at hotels 'had of making a small chalk mark 011 the underside of the carriage which would tell a lot—but not everything.—Johnny.

"Touchstone" writes: The reference to La silly's diary in '"The Worst .Journey in the World" is worth a follow-up. Lashly and Clean, the last supportGRAVE TO GAY. ing party in Scott's last expedition, liad to sledge Lieutenant Evans (now Admiral Evans) when he became a dead weight from illness and exposure. Lashly kept a diarv from dav to day and 111 it he wrote: "Mr. Evans'and myself have been out. 100 days to-day. 1 have had to change my shirt again. This is the last clean side I have got. 7 have been wearing two shirts, and each side will now have done duty next the skin, as I have changed round each month, and I oertunlv found the benefit of it. and on the point we a three agree. The light have been dreadful all da> . and T seem to have got a bit depressed at times, not being able to see anvthinc to know whether I was on the course or not, and not getting a word from Mr. Evans. T deliberately went off the course to see if anyone was taking notice, but to mv surprise" I was quickly told T was off the course. This morning he (Lt. Evans) wished u« to leave him, hut this we. coukl not think of. We wish to stand by him to the end, one. way or the other. So we are the masters to-dav. He has got to do as we wish and we hope to pull him through. This morning when we depoted-all our T changed my socks and got my foot hadly frost bitten, and the only way was to fetch it round. So although Mr. hvans was so bad he proposed to stuff it 011 his stomach to try to get it right again. T did not. like to risk such a thing, as he is certainly very weak, but we tried it. and it succeeded in bringing it round, thanks to his houghtfn ness, and I shall never forget the kirdness bestowed 011 1110 at a verv critical time in our travels, but I think we*could go to any length of trouble to assist ono another Tn such time and such a place we must trust 111 a higher power to pull us through." Lashly, a chief stoker, R.N.. celebrated his 44th birthday on Christmas Day. 1912, bv falling down a crevasse. He wrote: "Mr. Evans, Bowers and Crean liauled me out, and Crean wished mc many happy returns of the day, and of course T him politely and the others laughed.' Lashly and Crean, with Lieutenant Evans, set out with Scott 011 November 1. and turned back (being the last supporting partv) i°n January 4. 1912. Thev reached Hut Point lon February 22, 1912.