In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 150, 26 June 1937, Page 26 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

cAnecdotes mid Stories s

■ PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. J I For the best Anecdote sent in each week , J a prize of five shillings is awarded. ■ I The prize this week goes to Miss E. ■ 1 N. Crook, 640, Upper Queen Street, ( I Onehunga, for "Harvest Time." •

L '

HARVEST TIME,

Placed diagonally in a young woman s hat, a wisp of artificial corn, was causing no little annoyance to a man seated beside her in the tramcar. Every few minutes the tram would rock, or the gill would change her position, and the corn would tickle the man's ear. At last he took a huge clasp knife from his pocket and began stropping it on the palm of his hand. The girl edged away from the knife, but the stropping continued, and the girl became alarmed. " Oh, what are you going to do? " she cried. . ~ "If them oats gets in my ear again, said the man determinedly, " there's going to be a harvest." Wife: Where can I put this so I won't forget it before I go out? Husband: In front of the mirror. Uncle: Don't you think cars are spoilinf the younger generation? Father: No; I think the younger generation are spoiling cars." Mns. Hodges: How long had you known your husband when you married him? Mrs. Jenkins: I didn't know him at all. I only thought I did. I Williams: I've had this car for years and never had a wreck. Johnson: You mean you've had this wreck for years and never had a car. Irate Customer: I 6ay, waiter, how long will that sausage be that I ordered ten minutes ago? Waiter: Well, sir, I should say somewhere about four inches. Village Parson: How is .your boy getting on at school. Giles? Giles: Well, sir, I don't think much of his education. They be larnin' 'im to spell taters with a P. Mistress: So you are going to leave my service? What motive impels you to go away? Servant: It's no motive, madam; it's a soldier. Scotsman (to Australian) : I hear there's a fine braw lot o' Scotsmen in Australia, ma lad. Australian: Aye, we've a tidy few; but the biggest pest we have in Australia is the rabbits!

"So he praised my tinging, did he?" "Yes. he said it was heavenly." "Did Jte really say that":" "Well, not exactly, but he probably meant that. He said it was unearthly." "Life is always changing," said the grocer, as lie rentoved a piece of sugar from the pound he had weighed. "For instance, only a few years ago I was a pugilist." Tho Customer: A lightweight, I presume?" Betty (just engaged) : 'Doris, can you imagine what it is like to he in love, to sit next to the man you adore, and feel your very innermost soul vibrate? Doric*: Of course, my dear. I feel like that every time Joe takes me out on his motor bike. "You must have a wonderful memorv to keep nil that knowledge in vnti'r head." "Yes. I never forget anything when it is our-,' in my head." "Well, old man. how about that £.""> T lent voii some time ago?" "Ah! That's different. I put that in my pocket." A man was ordered bv his doctor to confine himself to a fi>h'diet. Kntering a. restaurant, he asked. "Have you anv s-liark. whale or goldlish?" ••.\„." ~a M the waiter, "we ha\e no;." "Then." said the man. "bring me a large steak and onions. Hraven knows I asked for fir.ll.''

A seedy looking man called on a doctor, who cast ;l critical rye over his patient. -S„ you don't feci any better after taking the medicine I prescribed.'' he said. "By the way. have you followed anyone else's advice since yoii were taken ill?" The patient nodded guiltily. "Yes." he replied, "a young medical student. A friend of miner" The doctor thrust out his jaw aggressively. "What foolish advice did he give you?" he asked. "He told me to come to see toil"

I NEAREST APPROACH. | "Say, dad," said Willie, "what 4on ft mean when people talk abort the heyday of yonth?" •'I don't know about the hay-day,'' I came the reply, "bat I grass -when • we're in clover." I THE WORK GOBS OK. "I wish yon would com© v -~\ hrtbi I think the baby has «vnkHoved my pencil." "ill be right ©*«r, <fc«r. la «« menitime, what are yon doing?" "Using my fountain pen." THIS AGE. Parson: And now, Farmer JowjiM, how do you manage to get «a -these liard times V Farmer: Oh, rset year we rraed «n faith, this year we are living oa hl»e, and next year, if all goes well, weTr'be living on charity. A WELCOME BIAS. Here is a conversation heard recently. "I met Bob 'Iggine the other day." "Who's 'e?" "Bob 'logins, why, dont yon know? 'E's the fellow wot saved the visitm' team from login' last Sat-day." "Really! Where does 'e playT" "Play? 'E don't play—'e's the referee." ORDER OF THE BATH. Sandy had never had a bath, and what is more remarkable, he had never even heard of a bath. But when Sandy was ill the doctor ordered a bath as part of the treatment. And this caused Sandy to have a nerve storm, for when he saw the bath by the side of his Ived he cried piteously: "Oh doctor, doctor, I canna drink all that." CORRECTION. A traveller, spinning the yarn as only travellers can. said: From the boat the river looked alive with gladiators. A long-suffering listener asked: Alive with what? "Alive with gladiators," came the answer. "Why? I was. there." "My year friend, alligators is what you mean. Didn't you know gladiators are flowers?" WHAT A CELL. On her way to bed the maid looked into her mistress' room. "The master's locked up for the night, ma'am," she said. Her mistress looked puzzled. "Beally, Jane," she said, "he must have been very quiet. I didn't even hear ! him come in." "He hasn't, ma'am," exclaimed Jane. "The police station have just 'phoned." HELP FOR THE BLIND. Two Jews were in opposing businesses. One was rich, the other poor. The rich one had a sunblind put up. A little while after the poor Jew had one much better than the rich Jew. The rich Jew went over to the poor one and I said: "How is it you can have such a beautiful blind and you are so poor?" ■ j The other replied": "Oi! That vass I easy. I just put a box on the counter. ' 'For the blind.'" ELOQUENT. The budding playwright wu reading | his latest creation to some friends, when j he saw one of his audience asleep and | breathing heavily. He was greatly jannoyed. I "Sir," he said, "sir, wake up; you might remember I am reading this play ito the company in order to get an opinion." : "Well." said the drowsy one, with a j yawn, "sleep is an opinion."

.'°"' l i i-ni.-|p jr. <tn u|iiiiion. LEFT OR RIGHT? The teacher 'was relating to her class the circumstances of an encounter she had had with a tramp on the highway tliat morning. With breathless interest the youngsters followed the narrative, and the teacher, reaching the climax of her story, concluded: "And then I fainted." Little Jimmy Jones;, gazing with awe and admiration on the pedagogue, was the first to break the silence. "With vcr left, or with yer right?" he asked. " TAKING HIM DOWN A PEG. The dapper city salesman drove his car up to the front of the house with a flourish, ground his brakes, and tapped discreetly on the door. Young Alee sauntered out and critically eved the newcomer, from marcel wave to" pointed shoes. "Is your mother engaged?" inquired the salesman. Alec smiled quizzically. "Couldn't say." drawled Alec. "11l go and ask her if you like, but I have an •idea she s married." OBEYED INSTRUCTIONS. Somewhere, no matter where, a policeman fre-h from college was posted to a station ;,,„! a f (or fl while was {aken out on night dutv bv a ser-cant to lenrn the ropes. After covering the beat they reached the Cow and Cucumber, and the -errant. : : .ivin:r other matters (.. attend to. sail to the voting constable: "See that red liuht "down the road? Well. ih.it is the end of the beat. Co and then take the, route we have come back to the station." "Cood-night. sergeant."' "Cood-night. Wiikius." Next day the constable was missing. H«» was inioing for a fortnight, and then turned up asrain dirty, tin-haven, boots worn through and a wreck generally. The sergeant spotted him and asked: "Where the — have von been 7" "Where you told me to cro: to that red liaht. and turn round and come back." "Well ?" "It was a lorry going to Glasgow, sergeant!"