In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 84, 10 April 1937, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

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■ PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. i ■ Fop the beat Anecdote in each week ■ l a prize of Ave ehillinge i> awarded. ■ ■ The prize thia week goes to IHiaa H. \ J A. Jordan, 3, Aorere Street, Parnell, I ■ Auckland, for "A Slip of the Tongue." ' L .....j A SLIP OF THE TONGUE. The wife of one of the directors of an Irish railway company was on one occasion travelling in one of the company's trains, and although the carriage was crowded she occupied a great deal of space with various parcels, etc. The guard politely requested her to make room. "Do you know who lam ?" indignantly asked the lady. " I'm one of the director's wives." " Indeed, ma'am," said the guard blandly, "if you were his only wife I would ask you to move your parcels."

Teacher: Now, Smithers, tell me where the Rhine goes? Smithers: Dahn the gutters inter the drines, sir! A professor was taking the class in chemistry. In front of him he had a bowl containing bubbling liquid. "Now. boys." he said, "when I've dropped a silver coin into this acid will it dissol 'e 1" "No," replied a smart boy, "because if it did you wouldn't drop it in." Professor Pinch walked painfully into the consulting room and sat gingerly in the vacant chair. "Doctor," he said, "my shoulders seem dreadfully stiff this morning. Can you suggest a cure ?" "A simple one," smiled the doctor. "Remove your coat-hanger!" The barrister was cross-examining n coloured witness, and doing his best to shake his recollection. "You say, then, that the defendant was expensively garbed?" "Yes, sah. Ah doos." "You are certain of that?" "Deed Ah am, sah. Ah suttinly knows expensive garbage when Ah sees it." "Yes," th® teacher explained, "there are many plants which have the prefix 'dog.' For example, the dog-rose and dog-violets are very well known. Can any of you tell me another?" There was silence, then a happy look spread over the face of a youngster at the back of the class, "Please, Miss," he piped, "col-lie-flowers." The sermon had been about the Fall of Man. "Well, David," asked one farmer of another after the service, "what did ye think o' it?" David replied: "The sermon was all right, but I was just thinkin' what a difference it wad hae made to the history o' the world if I'd been in Adam's place. Ye see, I don't like apples." Jackson met an old school friend whom he had not seen for years. "Hullo, old chap!" he said heartily. "I hear you've been engaged for nearly a year. Who is the woman in the case?" "I don't think you know replied l Jackson; "she's a Miss Terry." "I understand, old chap," he replied. "I've been married to one for ( 10 years and she's still a mystery!"" An old sportsman consulted his doctor, who prescribed claret and plenty of it. A month later the old fellow, who was a bit deaf, returned radiant with good health. "Capital! Capital!" said the doctor. "I se6 that diet of claret worked the trick." "Claret? Claret?" said the patient. "I thought you said 'carrots.' I've been eating two pounds of the blessed things everyday for four weeks." Plielim Q"Rourke had been married only a week when he discovered that his wife was inclined to be stingy in regard to the larder. He had been working in his small garden when Mollie called in strident tones, "Phclim, come in to tea. Toast and five eggs!" Pheliin dropped his spade in astonishment and ran into the kitchen. "Sure. Mollie, ye're only teasin' me!" he said. "No," replied his wife, "it's the neighbours I'm foolin!"

The man In the dock was a familiar figure. At least a dozen times he had been convicted of .picking pockets, and there seemed no reason why he should not be to gaol again. Tiie magistrate asked whether he had anything to say. "Yus. ver worship," said the prisoner. "I'd like this 'ere case put orf for a week. My lawyer's ill." The magistrate smiled. "But you know perfectly well that you were caught by two policemen with your hand actually in the gentleman's pocket. What could your lawyer say in your defence?"' "Yer worship."' said the prisoner, oarnestlv. "that's wot I'm curious to know!" An American in Scotland on business met McGregor and the conversation turned to golf. "I'd like a game."' said the American with a sigh, "but I'm a very bad player. ... I can't manago any course under 120, I'm afraid." "Ocli!" said McGregor, "I'm worse than you. Yerra often I take 1">0 for the coorse." "Is that so? Well now, as we're so evenly matched, let's have a frame with 5/ on every hole." Months later, when the Xew Yorker had returned home, he was telling the story: "And would you believe it. boys." he wound up. ' that lvin«r Scot went round in 71, and took 5/ off me!"

POOR OLD FATHER. Johnnyi Ok. mummy, the ladder h*» fallen in the yard. We knocked it down, and Mother: Run along at once and tell daddy. Johnny: But daddy knows. He'» hanging from the upstairs window ledge. HE WOULD BE LONELY. "Did you ever tell a lie, mother}" "I am afraid I have, Arthur." "Did dad ever tell a lie?" "I expect he did." "Did Aunt Mary ever tell a EeT" ''Why, Arthur, what do you ask m many questions for?" "Oh. I was thinking how lonely George Washington and I would be in Heaven." 7 NOT FAR WRONG. Hildebrand iWs halting and stammering his way through a Latin translation, and the teacher was deftly trying to assist his laggard memory. "Sinister" was the word she wanted. "Come, come!" she urged. "You know the Latin for 'left,' surely T" Hildebrand scratched his head for a moment, then looked up triumphantly. "Spinster!" he said. PRELIMINARY EXPERIMENT. 1 "Johnny," asked a visitor, "what, an you going to be when you grow up to manhood?" "I'm going to be an Arctic explorer," answered the bright little boy. "And now will you give me a shilling?" "Gracious, Johnny, what do you want a shilling for?" "I want to get 6ix ice-creams and out how much cold I can stand." SPECIAL OCCASION. ' At breakfast a Scot suddenly «gtclaimed in horror: "Jean, Jean! l*Sm J believe my own eyes! Sich extravagance I never saw in a' my life!" "Hoots, Jock, what is the matter?" anked Jean. "Two pinches o' salt on wee Jamie's perridge!" "Well, never mind. Ha' ye forgotten it's the wee laddie's birthday?"

WHICH ONE WAS THAT? The henpecked one took his wife to her first football match. "What are those fools in red doing?" she asked. "Trying to get the ball into the net,* he replied. "Well, what are those idiots in bine' doing, then!" "Trying to stop them, and trying to do the same things themselves to the reds." "And what are these fools in the stands shouting for?" "Oh, they're all enjoying themselTea, my dear," he said meaningly. "That is, all except one." TOO OLD. "Nervous breakdown, debility. Nothing much to worry about," said the doctor. "Get out into the country; long walks in the open, no beer only one cigar a day." Six weeks later the patient retained to town. "How do you feel!" queried the doctor. "Splendid. Fit am a fiddle." "And you enjoyed the treatment!" "Yes, everything except the cigar." The doctor wagged his head aad emiled. "It isn't any joke," pnt in the pattest ruefully. "It's hard for a. man at mj time of life to take to smoking." V 1937 VERSION. The farmer's pink-cheeked daughter was coming up the lane. She was clad in a grimy pair of overalls, from the pockets of which bulged bunches of waste and sundry wrenches, screwdrivers and other tools. In her hand a dirty satchel of iron tools. Visitor: Where are you going, my pretty maid? Maid: I'm going a-milking, sir. Visitor: But why all the tools, my pretty maid?

Maid: Trouble with the darn milking machine again. TROUBLE SAVED. Driving in the vicinity of a grpuse moor in early summer, a motorist unfortunately ran over and killed a dog. He offered the owner a pound as compensation for his loss. "That was a dog. mister, not & blooming gollywog out of a toyshop," was the reply. '"Besides, you've spoiled my shooting for to-day, at any rate," he added. "Y\ ell," said the motorist, handing the man two pound notes, '"that's double the dog s value, and what were you going to shoot' he asked, remembering the date. ".The dog, of course." grinned its late owner. "But you saved me the trouble." HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW? Recently a clergyman, in the course of his sermon, illustrated his point by saying, "You know you plant roses in the sunshine and heliotrope and geraniums, but if you want your fuchsias to grow you must keep them in the shade." After the service a woman came up to him, her face beaming with pleasure. "Oh, I am so grateful for that sermon'"' she said, clasping his hand and shaking it warmly. His heart glowed with thici appreciation of his labours, but it glowed only for a moment. "Yes," she went on. "I never did know before what was the matter with my fuchsias."