In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXXIII, Issue 37, 13 February 1937, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

p— ——— " ■; J PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. J I For the best Anecdote In each week J 1 a prize of five shillings is awarded. | ■ The prize this week goes to Mr. B. j ' Moeller, Grey Street, Howick, fop , I " Proof." [

PROOF. Brown: Do you think the dead can communicate with the living. Black: I know they can't. Brown: How do you know? Black: Well, a few years ago I manured to borrow a fiver from a Scotsman. A week later he died and I haven't heard a word from him since. Guy: He that courts and runs away may live to court another day. Gertie: 1 But he who courts and does not wed may find himself in Court instead. Youth (to friend): Er—how much do I pay for a marriage license, old fellow? Friend (already married): Ten shillings down, and your entire salary each week for the rest of your life. "Who was it that laughed just now?" "I did, sir. But I did not mean to." "What do you mean?" "Well, I laughed up my sleeve, but I did not know there was a hole in the elbow." "Still alive, Beuben, I see?" "Yes, sir, yes, sir," replied the old gardener, "and I'm going to live another year." "How do you know that?" "Why, sir, I allus notice that when I live through the month of October I live through the whole year." A large, determined-looking coloured woman marched into the matrimonial bureau and said: "I'se looking for a husband. "But, Mrs.- Johnson," said the attendant, "we furnished you with a husband last week, didn't we?" "Yassuh," was,the terse reply. "Dat's do one I'se lookin , for!" "Doctor," said the wild-eyed man apprehensively, dreadfully upeet, "I don't know what to do." ■ "What's the trouble?" "The ghoste of my departed relatives come and perch on the top of tho fence posts all round my garden," replied the other. "Every night it's the same —they just sit there waiting, waiting, waiting. What shall I do?" "Sharpen tlie top of the posts," advised the doctor.

A maidservant was left the other day ■ in charge of the children while her misI tress went for a long drive. On her return the mistress said to the maid, "How did the children, behave during my absence?" "Beautifully at first, madam," the maid answered. "But afterwards they I fought terribly together." "But why?" the mother asked. "To decide which was behaving the i best." ii ___ A toacher, instructing a class in English, called on a small boy named Jimmy Brown. "James," she said, "write on t he board: 'Richard can ride the mule if lie wante to. , Xow," continued the j teacher, when Jimmy had finished writing, "can you find a better form for that sentence?" "Yes, ma'am, I think I can," was the prompt answer. '"Richard can ride the mule if the mule wants him to." A lawyer was cross-examining an old German about the position of doors, windows and so forth, in a house in which a certain transaction occurred. Lawyer: And now, my good man, will yon be good enough to tell the court how the stairs run in the house. German (looking dazed and unsettled): How do the stairs run? Lawyer: Yes, how do the stairs run? German (after a moment's (bought): AVpII, ven I nm oopstairs dey run down, and ven I am downstairs dey run oop. A Highland parson was asked in time of flood to baptise a child. Calling upon the fatlier to take the youngster to the brink of water, he carried through the service to the point of sprinkling the babe. Dipping a scoop in the water, he (lung the contents over to the. child, but missed time after time, calling, at each trial, "Weel, has it gotten ony yet?" At last he aimed truly and splashed the scoopful all over the infant, whose father yelled, "Ocli, pless me, sir, I asked ye to baptise the child, not drown it."

■ DENTAL PERFECTION. First Dentist: The fact is I've got gentleness down to such a fine point that all my patients go to sleep while I'm pulling their teeth. Second Dentist: That's nothing. Mine arc beginning to have their photographs taken while I operate, because they always have ?uch pleasant expressions on their faces." SO USED TO IT. Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were returning home one moonlight night after a strenuous day's Christmas shopping. "Oh, John," exclaimed his wife, "what a lovely moon!" "Yes," ho replied absent-mindedly. •'How much is it?" AT SIXES AND SEVENS. Eastus was sent to the general store. "My boss," he said to the clerk, "wants a pane of glass six by seven." "Haven't got none that size, Kastus," said the joking clerk, "but will a seven by six pane do?" '"I'll try 'or," replied Kastus. "Mahbe if we slip it in sideways.nobody'll notice it" ONE TO HIM. "Jimmy, I wish, you'd learn better table manners —you're a regular little pig at the table." Deep silence on Jimmy's part So • father, in order to impress him more, added, "I say, Jimmy, do you know what a pig is?" "Yes, sir," replied Jimmy meekly. "It's a hog's little boy." SOME CLUE. The thirty-five thousand spectators were coming away from the Villa ground when an old lady accosted a policeman. "I've lost my husband in the crowd," she said. "Will you please help me to find him!" "How shall I know him?" "He's got a mole on his left shoulder." NOT THE SAME. Evelyn: You've been courting me now for over seven years, George, and I want to make a New Year's proposal. George: I-I-I am not in a position to m-marry just yet, but— Evelyn (interrupting): Who eaid anything about marriage? I was goin* to propose that you stay away from here and give somebody else a chance. THE RESULT. _ "Yes,, old man," said the meek-looking little man, "I took your advice and told my wife straight out that she couldn't henpeck me any more." His friend patted him on the hack. "Splendid!" he said. "Now you can hold your head up." The little man winced. "Yes," he replied, doubtfully, "but it's still pretty sore and bruised," OPPORTUNIST.

It was a Christmas party. "Gosh, what a nicht," said the Scot. "It's just pouring." "You can't go home in that downpour," remarked his host. "You iad better stay the night with us." The Scot disappeared, returning in about one hour dripping wet. "Where have you been?" asked the host. "Hame for ma pyjamas," replied the Scot. TALLY-HO. George was courting a comely village la.-te named Fox. , I be goin' to 'ave a new coat, I be," said Garge to the old dame who "did" for him. "Be yu," ghe said. "Shall yu 'ave » red 'un?" "A red 'un? What's I want a red "nil for?" "Why, to go a fox-huntin' in," replied the old dame as she went off with a chuckle. A GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT. Brown, Jones and Robinson occupied adjoining houses, Jones living in the middle one. He was much annoyed by Brown's dog, which howled and 'barked continuously. He went to Brown and explained his views on the matter. "Well," said the latter, "I don't carp a lot for the brute myself, but the wife's made a pet of him and the kids are just dippy about him." "Put this quid in your pocket and part with him at once," said Jones. "With what you get for him you won't be doing too bad. "" Remember, I'm trusting you, and this is a gentleman's agreement." When Jones returned from the city, late that evening, everything seemed calm and peaceful until lie cave ft vigorous solo on the knocker. A loud barking proved that Brown's clog was still on duty. "Think I'd better help him to find a buyer," muttered Jones, as he approached Brown's door. "Parted with him this afternoon as I promised," said Brown. "Robinson's bought him. Shouldn't have sold him, but I love to oblige a neighbour."