POLITE INTIMACY.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 35, 11 February 1937, Page 13

POLITE INTIMACY.

DANGEROUS CANDOUR. TACT AND MANNERS. Marriage, one of the biggest things in life, should l>e based on mutual love. Yet quite often those marriages which are the result of sentiment carried to an extreme, the so-called romantic lovematches, do not tunn out so conspicuously well as one would anticipate. Ardour seems to burn itself out particularly quickly, romance die*, and the reaction engenders a bitterness that sometimes lasts throughout life.

"Remember," said a woman once a very ardent lover, "that two people who are capable of loving as we do can also make very good haters." She expressed a faet that is only too often forgotten. The capacity for intensity tells in every direction, which is the reason that homes that start several degrees above the ordinary level of human bliss have a habit of sinking into misery inexpressible if things go wrong. Life has an extraordinary habit of levelling out with considerable fairness, and those who feel their married state is well above the average should look out for storms ahead. At Home With a Kindred Soul. People who have lived a lonely life for many years and then marry find it a great joy to feel absolutely at home with a kindred soul. "It is such a relief to be able to say exactly what 1 think," says the man. His wife retorts, "I know your feelings will not be hurt when I express my ideas, and it makes talking such a pleasure." Absolute trust is, indeed, the basis of true communion, and the husband and wife whose life I is founded on trust can find great joy in exchanging ideas. But this very pleasure has its dangers, for it may end in a lack of the small courtesies of life. Outspokenness is often another term for bad manners, for true civility is built up on reticence. "Why do you buy such ugly hats." says the man who feels he is free to say what he will to his wife. He is en joy intr the freedom of complete friendliness, yet that friendliness is not likely to grow on such a diet.

If ever good manners are needed it is at home; tactfulnees is a virtue too good to be monopolised by the visitor who goes in for an hour, it is worthy of a whole-time residence in any house. "Surely I may say what I like to my own husband!" exclaims the bride, not yet realising that he is the one person whom she cannot afford to risk offending. Human nature is stronger than passion, and the most affectionate of husbands does not forfeit his capacity of losing his temper. Leisure Time. Both husbands and wives should remember that the danger zone in any home is its leisure. Common sense teaches adults to respect each other's work hours, at such times as two married people are separated, each intent on the day's business. But with leisure comes quite often difficulty, both man [and woman feeling this bit of the day is theirs. "My evenings are Monday, Wednesday and Friday; while Sunday is common to us both." a married woman once remarked. then explained that in the early days of her marriage she and her husband always disagreed on this matter of how to employ their leisure. They decided to settle the matter in a com-mon-sense and businesslike manner by a fair division. The result was admirable for the man. who, like most husbands. liked stay-at-home evenings, and was able to enjoy his three without any l>angs of conscience. On the other hand the woman was to develop the social side of home life with no fear that she was boring her husband. Reticence is a virtue seldom extolled, yet without it marriage cannot be happy, and many a home has been ruined for its lack. The simple expedient of saying nothing lias prevented more family quarrels than anything else in |he world. Argument is another trifle that often casts a gloom over the domestic atmosphere. Final Solution. "I've put down my foot and made one hard and fast rule at home." a man once remarked. "We never carry over an argument to the next meal time. I believe our digestions are all the better for this determination." Argument is certainly a danger to the peace of what ought to be the happiest conversational hours of the family day.

In another extremly argumentative family it was found that the habit was becoming a real menace to happiness, so when either side had had enough he or she could appeal that the points should be written down. Laziness and clear thinking combined to make this a short way of reaching a final solution of the point in question. Money is another source of irritation which mars the happiness of what would otherwise be a contented home. Nor is it great financial burdens that make marital peace, for generally they are borne bravely together, but little trivial arguments about small sums.