THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 34, 10 February 1937, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By T*IE MEN ABOUT TOWN.) ALTERNATIVES. "Touchstone" writes: '"Planchette" will find his answer about alternatives in the following lines: There are people. I'm told, some say there are heaps. Who speak o£ the talkative Samuel as Peaps. And some, so precise and pedantic their step is. Who call the delightful old diarist Peppis: But those 1 think right, and I follow their steps. Ever mention the garrulous gossip as Peps. Yet Wheatly declares that the truth still escapes. For Peps was not Peppes. nor Peeps—he was Pa pes. If unsatisfied still, after trying all these. The only thing left us to siv is Peppes. Unfortunately for the versifier, there is one other alternative, and it gains some colour from an entry in the baptismal register. "Touchstone" thinks, where the name is spelt Pea pis. Sn life goes 011 —and so we learn. What is a grouse to one man ?s a laugh to another, and a pot-shot to a Third. "You are a very rich country,"' a French TAKING IN forester told the people Washing. of Kaikohe. "You are too well off to grow vegetables. You . import your potatoes from liukekolie and your fruit and vegetables from Auckland. Yes. You are a rich country indeed." It's all kai to Kaikohe; but what would Pukekolie and Auckland say if Kaikohe and all the other Kaikolies were suddenly to give up buying their vegetables and their fruit and took to growing them themselves? Kaikohe. of course, could do just that, and perhaps they could start their own shirt factory, and their own motor .car works from the money they saved 1 y growing their own vegetables, and then, perhaps, as they grew they could supply Pukekolie with potatoes and Auckland with fruit and vegetables. And then an Alsatian tung-oiler would come along and would say, '"You have good land all around and a rural population. Why don't you ngricultAnd then Kaikohe would go back to their rural pursuits and would again buy their spuds. and veges. We all live by taking in one another'* washing—and it would be no-bon if we didn't.—Kea.

"Touchstone" writes: A correspondent signing himself "Curious" asks if it is a fact that the phrase "By the skin of his teeth" occurs in the Bible. The refer"THE SKIN OF ence is to Job, xix.. 20: HIS TEETH." "My bone eleaveth to my skin, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth."' It is a waste of time to speculate oil the meaning of this passage, which may or may not have been used as a colloquialism. Nevertheless, it has made a place for itself in modern usage, and everybody knows its meaning. "Argument" writes: "Could you please inform me which of the following is correct: (a) If Mahomet won't go to the mountain, the mountain must go to Mahomet, or (b) If the mountain won't go to Mahomet. Mahomet must go to the mountain." The answer to the question is found in a quotation from Bacon, on "Boldness": Mahomet made the people believe that he would call the hill to him, and from the top of it offer up his prayers for the observers of his law. The people assembled; Mahomet called the hill to him. again and again, and when the hill stood still lie was never a whit abashed, but said, 'If the hill will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet will go to the hill.'"

A fatted calf being rather beyond the capacity of the modern appetite, the good wife decided that a goose, well roasted, should l»e served tip at the family SHARP reunion which was held MEDICINE. across the water the other day. Father came to town and duly bought it. but. on the way home, decided on a little celebration of his own. While his tankard was stand in*; neglected for a moment, he being engaged in discussing the Plunket Shield match prospects, bystanders saw the goose, which he was carrying tucked under his arm. stretch forward its neck and sip with avidity. The phenomenon was hailed with delight, and the bibulous bird was thereafter plied with fomented malt liquors until it had passed through all four stages of intoxication —jocose, bellicose (in which it ran amok, pecking legs and sweeping tankards off the bar with its wings*, lachrymose (in which it cackled vows of repentance), and finally comatose. When father arrived home he swore he had never had a "day out" with such an entertaining companion, and vowed that such a noble toper should never jro in4o the oven. But the small hours of morning brought their penalties —an aching head and a repentant spirit. Father, seeking relief. l>etliought him of that innocent bird, doomed to wake 011 the morrow with a shocking "liang-over." Overwhelmed with pity and remo'se. father sought and found the axe—"a sharp medicine, but it curetli all ills." as some gallant soul once remarked as he laid his head on the lilAck. A few minutes later father had removed all danger of his feathered friend awaking with a headache.—I.M.

"K.T.'s" story about adults flying the children's kites wrings a confession from many a father who. having instructed his small son in the techni"lT'S THE GIPSY calities of the art. will IN ME." insist on flying the kite himself. Can any father who reads this column deny his urge to plav with the baby's set of trains? Has he not in a clandestine manner placed a matchbox on the tiny rails with the object of causing a "smash"? But. last of all. can he refute the allegation that he fights the kids for "'first |>op" at the coloured supplement of the "Auckland Star"? Some time ago I timidly confessed to a "man of letters'' my weakness for the said multi-ooloured brochure. In my abashed apology for niv choice of literature I endeavoured to explain an incident in the | career of the "Twinkles" elephant. "fiood gracious me!" gasped the "man of letters."' "To think you should read such trash!"' "But." I expostulated, "the elephant put liie trunk into a beehive "Not a beehive." interrupted my friend, taken completely off ! his guard, "it was a hornet's nest." The I dreadful truth was out! Having blurted out his confession, he hung his head in shame, which, as thev sav, "onlv goes to show," etc.— B.C.H. THE FERNLEAF ON TOUR. Oil. sins of our batsmen and bowlers Now parkins their bass for the tour; A care-free collection of strollers. . I The warmth of their welcome is sure. •Not theirs the grim light for the Ashes. Stonewalling in dullness and pain— Their watchword a tine, sporting dash is; The Fernleaf goes touring again. Shrewd skipper of previous seasons. Tom Lowry will manage the show: He should have the clearest of reasons ( The English conditions to know. 1 The captain thev too have nicked early. ! And all will admit it was plain | Thev *>ould not do better than "Curly" To lead N.Z. touring asrain. J For batting—well. Vivian's certain. | And Whitelaw by now knows the ropes. | While Carson may ring down the curtain [ On many a county side's hopes. . "For bowling, there's Roberts and Cowie, I While Muleock may not hope in vain: ! At wickets, see Tindill just now—he Is out to ko touring asrain. Let Aussies stage six-day Test matches. By millions of onlookers seen. Our men will provide brighter patches. More after the old village green. Not theirg all the striving and worry In unbeaten splendour to reinn: So gaily, in Hants or in SurreyNew Zealand goes touring again. —SINBAD. tSarii- ; r. •