THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 31, 6 February 1937, Page 8

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.) A Cockney fireman, complete with dungarees and eweatrajt, passed along Qiioon Street the other day. Xotieir.g a knot of people outside a shop, lie lurched THE NUISANCE, across and inquired thickly, "What's the trouble, mister?" "X*o trouble," was the reply. "Listening to the cricket. "Oh, is Hint it? What's the score?" "Bnulman is 2U2 not out," was the reply. "Ain't lie a nuisance, mister, ain't he a nuisance," commented ihc ninii from England, as lie staggered away.

I I A story from the Auckland Placement Oflice allows others of the service n quiet ; grin. 'Phoning the placement officer with an ; 1 i.rjrcnt request for four ■ I THAT £i A men to unload ■ lumber, rj WEEK, the manager of a local : box factory stated that he was paying demurrage on several trucks. I Could the olli.-e oblijre? The ofliee. could, and did. 'phone and tele?raph beinj; used to marshal the men. three pakehas and Henare. Next day the manager 'phoned his thanks. Three linen were excellent, so -nod that he would try to keep at least two permanently. As for Hennrc —well, here's the story. Three men had arrived in a metaphorical' cloud of dust. I shod coats, hitched pants, and passed lumber at a rate that boded ill for the revenue Department of our national railways. Alonjr strolled Henare, looked Ibe job over, mopped an imaginary "bead. ,, and averred that first he had to have kai. Refreshed, he returned to the job, helping unload thronph the lung boms of the morning and early afternoon.' Later he became uneasy, conned his watch, then hurried to the office and asked for his time, as he "iiiipht not be hack." "But," protested the boss, "the job's not finished: there's more work to do." "I know. ,, replied ITciiarc. "but I S ot to be at the post oflice before five. I think I frot steady job there,"—l.M. ' Once again we have a Supreme Court session featuring a large number of divorce eases. Doubtless this blasting of connubial bliss will for ever continue, STRANGE and yet I venture to sngSURROUNDINGS. pest "that the introduction of a genuine spirit of mutual tolerance would in many eases result in a status of nuptial perfection. There is on these lines proved a miserable failure. Mr. X. was referred to in alleged intellectual circles as a "dipsomaniac." but was correctly dubbed "a booze artist." His wife, during their six years of married life, had broken Iso many rolling pins over his head that she had for'economy's sake resorted to buying her scones from the local baker. A well-moaninjr neighbour one day suggested that kindness in place of aggression might effect a reformation. Acting strictly upon this advice, she met hubby on his return at 1 a.m. next day. helped him to remove his overcoat, placed the crayfish carefully on the mantelpiece, and led him to an easy" chair. Then followed a hot cup of coffee and a cigarette. Ko.iinncc crashed, however, when the somewhat truculent hostess, having asked. "Shall I take your shoes off. dear." received the thickly-muttered reply. '•You may jus' as well, old thing, 'cos at any rale I'll get hell when I get home."—B.C.H.

"Wliy do they Imry people at eoa, wrapped in ennvas instead of'in a colliir: 4 ' someone asked. A silly sort of n question, and yet— why do they? So o'flf to CORPSE old MeFid to nee it" he. CAME BACK, out of fifty odd years of seafaring experience, could answer it! He did. "Because if yon drop 'em over in a eoflin they eonic hack," said he. Incredulous raising of eyebrows amongst his up in the China Sea," old Mae affirmed. "The' mate took ill, and he had a horror of hein" buried at sea. 'Bury me in a coflin. Please j bury me in a coflin i' were the last words he I said before he passed out. So Chips makes, a coffin, a real bang-up affair, for the mate was a decent sort of a bloke, and we laid him in it, with sonic old shackles and links of chain at his feet for ballast, and screwed on the lid and hacked the mainyani; and the Old Aran read the service, and the coflin slid over ' tlio side. .Inst as we were scattering to pet the ship under way again someone, taking n last look overside al the bubbles, screamed •Oh. Lord, save us! HcV coming ; ,b,,aid a-ain ' and bolted for the fi.Vsle. There was «,mc quirk praying and crossing, and only (wo or three of us Ki'n- mime to look over'the bulwark. There wan poor old .Mr. Male, limit iu« "ii the top. with bits ~f broken timber round him. As soon as it had none down a few fathoms the coflin had been crushed by the pressure of water. Coming up with a'rush, he had popped right out of the-water when he reached the top. Po we had to lower a boat and pick him up again, and the Old Man swore like mad about fancy notions of burying. Poor old Mr. Mate went' over the side next time done up in canvas, sailor fashion."—l.M.

"Touchstone - ' writes: The temptation to "•rot in first" with a, snappy sobriquet is not the reason for the arrestimr little side-headiii" fo this note. Xor is the THE EXILE OF reason to be found altoENZESFELD. gether in the desire to arrest the reader's attention. The subject to-day happens to be sobriquets (pronounced "so-brc-kays"). for '■Touchstone' , has been asked to say whether "the Boy from Bowral" is a pardonable substitute for Bradman. The answer to the question is nil emphatic "So." Almost all panics and contests, though exciting to take part in or even to watch, are essentially (as to the bare facts) dull to read about.' The reporter, therefore, conscious that his matter and his audience are both dull enough to require enlivening, thinks that the needful fillip may be given if he calls lishiii" the ■rentle craft, a ball the pill or the leather a captain the skipper, or a saddle a pin-kin, and so makes his description a scries of momentary puzzles that shall pleasantly titillate inactive minds. This, at any ranis 11. \Y. Fowler's opinion, and it is not far from the mark. Tt may not he possible 1o say who invented "the Boy from Bowral."' It is a laughable sobriquet,' and "Sinbad" used it in this column in its proper setting a feudays ago. in a line of humorous verse. It is not as clever as the sobriquet applied to Jesse Owens, the negro sprint champion—'-the Midnight Express"—but it raises a smile. Sobriquets, however, should be severely discouraged. Where they illuminate they are pardonable The Windy City (Wellington) and the City of the Plains (Christchureh) are really more appropriate than the Queen City (Auckland), fiod's Own Country (Xew Zealand), the Eternal City (Koine), the Weary Titan (the British Empire), the Emerald Isle (Ireland!, the Kin? Over the Water. Bonnie Prince Charlie or the Young Pretender (Charles Stuart). Rumania's Royal Rascal (King Carol), the soothing weed (tobacco), the Virgin Queen (Elizabeth) and the weaker sex (woman) arc nearly all symptoms of a perverted taste for cheap ornament. And the Exile of Enzcsfold would probably make the Duke of Windsor laugh heartily.