In Merrier Mood ANecotes and\ Stories ::

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 31, 6 February 1937, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood ANecotes and Stories ::

jr—--------------------« I! PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. J 1 S For tho best Anocdoto In each week J ! ' a prize of five shillings is awarded, jj ' [ Tho prize this week eocs to W. Colgan, j 1 1 39, Ronaki Road, Kohimarama, Auck- , I J land, for " Healthy Appotites." u HEALTHY APPETITES. Dorothy: I had a wonderful day, grandma. I went over the hills with a party of hikers, and oh, you should have seen the Devil's Gorge. Grandma: Hush, Dorothy, that is not the way to speak of your companions. I'm .sure they only had healthy appetites. "Will you share my lot?" "Yes, if it really is a lot." Father: Is there anything worse than to bo old and Dent? 'Son: Yes, to be young and broke. First Lady: Garn! You're, nothing but a talkin' machine, you ain't! Second Lady: Ah! An' you're a record, you are—double-ficed! Brown: You came from a teetotal town, didn't you? .Smith: Teetotal? Why, they won't even allow the carpenters to use spirit levels. "Yes," said the commercial traveller, "we have had letters of appreciation from England, Wales and Ireland—and a postcard from Scotland." Bricklayer: 'Op it—we can't 'avo you a-blowin' that trumpet round 'ere. '•Why?" Bricklayer; 'Tain't safe. You know what 'appened to tho walls of Jericho, don't you?

cruise.

"What's up?" Tha's lewkin' dahn i , t'mahth." "Wark, lad, wark! There's nowt but wark for me. It's fair sickenin'." "Hah long hex ta been at it?" "Oh, t'wife hcz just gotten ma a job, an' Ah start i' t'morning."

Talleyrand was driving a boresome young diplomat, who insisted on talking too much. Ju another carriage Talleyrand saw someone indulging in a big yawn. He immediately caught the bore by the arm. "Hush!" he cautioned. "You are overheard!"

A trawler skipper proposed marriage to a buxom widow, saying: "The boat of your life is drifting down stream without anyone to steer it safely oIT the rocks. .Shall I he your captain and sail it for you?" "Xo," replied the widow, with a blush, "but you can be my second mate." Two farm labourers sat ill the taproom of the "Sow and Litter." The conversation turned to the Abyssinian conflict. "I tell you," says George, "if Abyssinia would close the" Suez Canal war'would soon be' over." "But the Suez Canal belongs to Italy," says .lake. "Bet yer ii pint," says George. "Here comes old Giles: Jie'lL settle this." "Who owns the Suez Canal. Giles?" George asked. Giles did a bit of hard thinking. "I think it's the Aga Khan's and it's trained at Xcwmarket," lie replied.

A doctor, an engineer and a financier were debating which of them belonged to the most honourably and ancient profession. The doctor said: "Mine, easily. Don't you remember that in the beginning Eve was made out of a rib in Adam's side? There's a surgical opera - lillt before that happened don't you know that the whole world was made out of chaos in six days? There's an engineering feat for you." "Ah." said the financier, "but who made chaos':"

CHOOSING THE PRESENT. **I want to £et sometliing for m v husband. He's a golfer." *"AVhy not £ct him .n now club?" "Ho belongs to one already." TERRIBLE SUFFERANCE. Beggar: Pity a poor woman, madam. I have not eaten a morsel of food to-day] Lady: Ah. my poor creature, wo nil hr.ve to fiiiiTer in this world. I have just been obliged to give, up my ojicim box. A TRUE OPTIMIST. Vicar: Amid all our trouble*, Mrs. Grundy, I am pleased to see that your gratitudo to providence d 00.3 not fail. Mrs. Grundy: No, sir; rheumatism i« had, indeed, but I thank 'caven I still 'ave a back to 'avo it on. QUICK RETORT. Unpopular Doctor: Oh, I've caught you under tho mistletoe. Girl: Xo, doctor, there's only one thing you'll ever have a. chance of kissDoctor: And what's that? Girl: An anaesthetic. BOATMAN PROTESTS. A boatman went to rescue a distressed lady swimmer. He had just seized hold of her when her bathing cap slipped from its place, carrying with it her wi"Oil, save my hair/ , she cried. "Save my hair." "Madam," said her gallant rescuei, as he hauled her aboard, "I am only a life saver, not a. hair restorer." NOT A CAT. A Birmingham man on a holidav in the Midlands got lodgings at a very'oldfashioned cottage kept by an old" lady. There was no bathroom in the cottage, ;ind so when anyone wanted a bath thev would inform tho old lady, who would put water in a tub in the wash-house.

Tho Birmingham man was not aware of this, and one day complained to the old lady that lie was feeling very dirtv owing to not having had a hath since, ho had been there. "Well," said the old lady, "that is your own fault. Haven't you got a tongue!" "I have got a tongue," answered tho young man, "but I'm not- a blooming THE PROVERB. The. kind-htarted man was jiving a treat to the village school children. After tea, he announced, with a beaming smile, "Xow, I urn going to perform certain actions, and you must guess what proverbs they represent. The boy or girl who guesses the answers first Trill receive. :i prize." First ho lay down on the platform. Then one man came forward and tried in vain to lift him. Two others came to his aid. and between them they raised him to his feet. The actions were meant to represent the motto, "Union is strength." When he asked if any child could solve the puzzle an eager voice cried, "Lot sleeping dogs lie!" TIME TO START. A local dramatic society wore producing that famous old melodrama called

•■The Castle Spectre." nnd the groat night had arrived. The member who had liecil cast for the captain of the guard had an iiiipediinent of speech, which, though almost imperceptible on ordinary occasions, was liable to assume alarming proportions under excitement. Hut ns his speaking part throughout the play was only four words. "Away in (he castle," everybody boned for the best. At his cue the armour-plated hem rushed on shouting, "Awa-wa-wa-wa—" Just then the exasperated staie manager said to the waiting soldiers in an amplified stage whisper: '•Blimey, why don't you start? You'll get there hours before he's finished telling you." BOY AND BALL. There, was a crash and a ball cam.* sailing through the kitchen window aiul landed at the feet of the mistress el the house. She quickly rushed to the door, only to find the street deserted. About half nn hour later a timid knock came on the door and the scared voice of a small boy said, "Please, missus, here comes father to mend your .She looked up the road and saw a man with a piece of glass approaching. fn without further ado returned the bill! and praise,l the boy for being so honest It did not take the man long to repair the window, and afterwards "he turned to tho lady of the house and said, "That'll be 3/0." "What!" she exclaimed, -wasn't that boy your son!"

"J-or luv yer, ma'am." said the man,