THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 7, 9 January 1937, Page 8

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN TOWN.)

"Touchstone" writes: Slang is inelegant and unauthorised popular language, consisting of words or expressions of low or illiterate origin and use, or of legiSLANG AND timatc expressions used CANT. in grotesque, irregular or metaphorical senses not approved by reputable usage and good taste. The Standard Dictionary says: "A colloquialism is an expression not coarse or low, and perhaps not incorrect, but lielow the literary grade. Educated persons are npt to allow themselves some colloquialisms in familiar conversation which they should avoid in writing or public speaking. Slang, in the primary sense, denotes expressions that are either coarse and rude in themselves or chiefly current among the coarser and ruder part of the community. In the evolution of language many words originally slang are adopted by good writers and speakers, and ultimately take their place as accepted English. A vulgarism is an expression decidedly incorrect, and the use of which is a mark of ignorance or low breeding." Cant has two meanings. It is the barbarous jargon used as a secret language by thieves, tramps and so on; or, more commonly,, speech that is delivered with hypocritical or exaggerated unction, especially about religion. Robert Burns, in his "Advice to a Young Friend," wrote: "Aye the preaching cant forbear, and even the rigid feature." Dr. Johnson's advice, "Clear your mind of cant." is to clear your mind of what Carlyle called a double-distilled lie. Of course, sooner or later something effective simply had to be done about the weather. Adult impotence that found egression in futile complaints WEATHER and often stronger comMAGIC. mentaries was as useless as the estimations of what anti-cyclones, depressions and so on were going to do next. It required the nimble brain of inventive youth to do something really calculated to affect the weather and turn it from its wayward paths. In this case the youth was the household prodigy. Young Johnny counts about four summers, but he is an observant child and exceedingly wise for his age. He had observed cause and effect in relation to the weather with some care, and when elders proved to be capable of nothing but complaints he set about the obvious remedial measures. His father (so that garrulous parent informs us) ought to have -known that a lengthy silence from Johnny, followed by plaintive waitings from the family cat, meant something that called for parental oversight and correction, but dad was comfortably dozing, and so the youngster had a fa*ir field (and the cat no favour). The scene of operations was the back scullery. The sound of running water and of tinware in use told father that something was going on to which he should give attention, but. as noted, he was comfortable and it was a nuisance always running after that blessed kid. So he heaved a sigh of relief when the watery sounds ceased. Sounds of industry from Johnnv and then loud protests from the cat. Father heaved himself up and set out to the belated investigation. His sturdy offspring, with the body of the protesting cat imprisoned between his chubby knees, was busy with soap and water on the -unfortunate animal's head. The cat was rescued-, and then an explanation was demanded. It was quite simple. Johnny had observed that rain followed the washing by the cat over its ears. Every time puss' toilet included passing the paw over (he ears rain followed. He had been told that, and, in recent weeks, had verified the fact by personal observation. His bright solution of the weather problem was that if he thoroughly washed the cat's ears there would be no need for the cat to perform that office for itself. And, anyhow, there has been an improvement in the weather since.—B.O'X. | Although lie is, in fact, a very successful business man in Auckland, with*a home in one of the southern suburbs, "The Squire" is most aptly nicknamed, ONE ON for he has the dignified "THE SQUIRE." manner and cultured accent that make one think immediately of old manor houses, rows of family portraits, solemn butlers and vintage port. These characteristics, while they made the incident the more amusing, enabled him to carry it off with more dignity than most could have done. The incident was this. To catch up on arrears of work accumulated during the holidays, "The Squire" decided the other afternoon to take some of it home, in the form of a bulky file of documents that needed examination. On his way to the train he bought, as is his wont, the latest edition of the "Star," which made a convenient folder for his file of documents. It led. however, to an unfortunate mistake on the part of an elderly lady, who, as "The Squire." entered the carriage, met him at the door, and pressed twopence into his hand. He stared for a moment. "And. pray, what is this for, madam?" he asked. <r For • paper, of course, idiot." snapped the lady. For a moment those who knew "The Squire" thought that he wo\ild explode. His eyes bulged and his face went purple. But he stood the strain, and as soon as he had got his breath he bowed gracefully. "Certainly, madam, take mine," he said, and. handing her his "Star" and her twopence, he marched in dignified silence down the carriage to his accustomed seat.—T.M.

Many are the stories one hears at this time of the year concerning elaborate Christmas meals, but a holiday maker who recently

returned from a coastal ELBOWS OFF farm, where all the parTHE TABLE! ticipants in the Yulet'de

feast wore males, tells of a meal untrammelled by modern cookerv or artifieial dainties. Said he: "At eleven in tlie morninjr we went on to the rocks and hauled up the crayfish pot. Five hip 'cravs* were giving a greater exhibition of clawtaiitjlinjr than the Mortgagors' Rehabilitation Act." By noon the fish reposed upon the table, boiled and rubicund. The host then produced a bucket (for the empty shells), a lar>ge tin basin (the finger bowl) and four •sheets of newspaper (the table napkins). The meal itself is left to the imagination and can only be truly visualised bv a true "crav" addict. To quote the immortal "Workhouse'' poem, "We don't want yer Christina - puddin*." HOW IT IS DONE. Regarding the counterfeit five-pound notes now appearing in Auckland, it has been suggested that the cunning malefactor's method has been to slip one of his notes between two genuine ones when buying a bag of oranges. As a fisherman and a listener-in. T am often anxious to hear the weather report, but so far have not found it very helpful for my purposes* On Saturday WIRELESS night, for instance. I WEATHER, naturally wait to hear whether or not Sunday will prove a fine day for fishing, but somehow the announcer never seems to get quite to the point. You know what I mean. . . . A happy anti-cyclone moves Across the Aussie Bight. And barometric pres.-'ire proves In Gore the sun is bright. In Lyttelton the sky is blue. In Bulls it's blue enough. A storm is tossing Tiniaru. And Foveaux Strait is rough. For Stewart Island—"Moderate "With smooth to raprinp: seas." And Oamaru is sweltering At ninety (odd) degrees. But men at Milford. co'tl and glum AKain recall to mind mieruloas "Should winter come. Will spring be far behind?"