Ie Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 7, 9 January 1937, Page 2 (Supplement)

Ie Merrier Mood

PRIZE FOR BEST STORY.

I For the best Anecdote in each week ■ ■ a prize of five shillings is awarded. ( J The prize this wfoek goes to E. I I Churchill, Nile Road, Milford, for "The J ' Limit." I L j THE LIMIT. Harry: I say Jim, could you lend me a sheet of writing paper? Jim: Yes, here you are. Harry: And an envelope? Jim: Ygs. Harry: I don't suppose you have a stamp to spare? Jim: Yes, I think I have one left. Harry: And when I have finished this little note, I wonder if you would mind dropping it into the post box for me ? Jim: Sure, I can go* that way. Harry: Whr.t did you say your girl's address was, again? i Magistrate: You admit you drove over this man with a loaded lorry? Driver: Yes, your Honor. "And what have you to say in your defence?" "I didn't know it was loaded." A blushing young woman handed the poet office clerk a telegram containing only one word—"Yes." Wishing to be of help, the clerk said: "You know, you can send eight more words for the same price." "I know I can," replied the young woman, "but don't you think I'd look too eager if I said it nine times?" A burglar's wife was being crossexamined. "Madam, you are the wife of the prisoner?" "Yes." "You knew he was a burglar when you married him?" "Yes." "May I ask how you came to marry such an individual?" "You may," snapped the witness. "I was getting old, and had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer." "Mummy,' asked a little boy at a concert, at the end of the interval, "have the orchestra had something to eat?" "I don't know," said the mother. "I think they have," said the little boy. ,r lt says on the programme, 'Part Two will be given by a fuller orchestra !'" For five years Jack and Joan had walked the path of love, but as yet the youth had never mentioned marriage, and Joan thought it was time the wedding date was fixed, so she threw out a gentle hint. "Jack," she whispered coyly, "they're all saying we are going to "be married soon." "Are they ?" answered Jack. "What a sell it'll be for them when they find out we're not!"

It was the weekly meeting of the coloured Sons of I \\ ill Arise Society/' At the end of the usual business a loud voice yelled from the back of the hall: Mistah C hay man: All make a motion dat Sam Jackson am a dirty, low-down, sneaking, mk'rable chicking-thief." Down in the front a little darkie leapt to his feet. '"Who makes dat motion dat Ali'm a low-down, sneaking, mis'rable chicking-thief?" he cried, glaring round the room. A huge, scar-faced negro jumped to liis feet. "Ah makes dat motion," he said, menacingly. "Mistali Chayman," said Sam quickly, '"All secunds dat motion."

An old German was being crossexamined as to the position of a door, window, etc., and the general interior arrangements of a house. "Xow, sir," <*aid the lawyer, "describe to the jurv just how the stairs run in that house." 'J he man looked dazed and scratched liie head lor a minute before attempting to reply. "You wan' to know how °der stairs run," he repeated. "Yes, if you please, how the stairs run.'' "V«ll," ventured tlie witness slowly, "vent am oopstairs dey run down, and ven I am downstairs (lev run oop."

cAnecdotes and ' Stories z if®

WRONG NUMBER. ,% A man desirous of booking seats far . certain play rang up a number. "Can I get a box for two to-nlehtv^ he asked. "We don't have boxes for two," 1 swered a startled voice at the other —iA "Isn't that the theatre!" asked tW caller. "No; this is the undertaker's," the reply. WOMAN'S WIT. Wifie: Albert, dear, while looking through some of your old clothes tS» morning, I made such a lueky find that I ordered me a new fur coat from Means. Cutteni a-nd Co. for Christmas, ma. ffev strength of it. Hubby: What wai it, dear? Wifie: Half a dozen cheques that I*4 never been written on. PHEW! The bricklayers had just finished foundations of a house on a suburban estate, -when a workman, carrying a ladder, stopped to watch them lay the ■*' first row of bricks. One of the brick.' layers, looking up from his work, aad catching sight of the man, said: i "I say, lads, we had better hurry np there's a chap 'ere waiting to clean the winders." CORRECTER. Farmer Giles came kitchen to ; say he could not find any old clothes to put on the scarecrow. "Well," said his wife, "our Henry I coultl give away his old plus-four suit, as he had got a new one. Why not use that?" "Don't be ridiculous, woman," said the farmer, testily. "What I want to do is to scare crows, not to make them laugh." AT THE 19TH. A parson who was finishing a round of golf got bunkered at the 18th. While playing his ball he got some sand in his eye. This continued to trouble him when he went into the clubhouse and ordered a glass of milk. When he tasted the beverage he looked sharply at the steward and said, "Is this milk?" "Well, sir," grinned the steward, "naturally I put a dash of rum in it when you winked." , BY ACCIDENT. The jig-saw puzzle that Jones was trying to put together finally beat him. He pushed it aside in disgust. "I wonder who invented these darned things?" he asked of his companion. "Why, don't you know ?" answered the other, "it was an Aberdeen butcher." "How ever did he come to think of it?" Jones asked. "That was easy," the knowing one replied. "He accidentally dropped a pound note into a mincing machine. TO THE POINT. "Don't give me i such wordy reports when you make them out in future," said the railway inspector to the line - overseer. "Just put down the condition of the track as you find it. Leave out everything that isn't to the point. I want a business letter, not a novel." The overseer replied that he grasped the point. A few days later the line was badly flooded, and the overseer wrote his report to the inspector in the new style. It read: "Where the railway was, the river is!"

MODERNISED. A tourist journeying from to the Great Pyramid thought he had at last found a place where nothing Bavoured of Western civilisation. The "Arabian Xights" atmosphere of ancient days, made him sigh with delight. Reaching the Pyramids, he was hoisted on to the back of a camel by a picturesque Arab. "Tell me, my good man," he said to his guide, "what's the name of your camel ?" "Greta Garbo, gar," came back the answer. NOT QUITE SURE. A bit dazed he wandered into the registrar.'s office and, standing at the barrier, addressed the attendant, saying: "Gentlemen, I want to register the twins " "Twins? But why do you address me as 'Gentlemen'? I am the only one here." The wobbly one paused, looked about him, and in a hushed voice asked: "h that true?" "I am certainly alone in the office, and don't see why you " Wobbly One: ".Just wait a minute; I'll go home and have another look.* FLY. A young man went to Australia against his father's wishes. In one letter home he wrote: "I have bought a car. lirst feather in my cap." In another he wrote: "I have bought a farm, another feather in my cap!" This went on for some time, and' always the son's letter finished with "another feather in" mv cap." Later, the father received a. letter which ran: "Dear dad, I am broke. Please send passage home/' The father replied: "Xothing doing, lake the feathers from vour cap. stick them 011 your back, and ilv home."