In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVIII, Issue 1, 2 January 1937, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

r *. S PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ■ I ' I For the beat Anecdote In each week J 1 a prize of five shillings is awarded. t I The prize this week goes to Mrs. Geo. I I Peters, 30, Surrey Street, Grey Lynn, J J for " Mere." I I. J MERE. A small boy returned home from school and told his father he was now second in his class. The top place was held by a girl. " But, surely, John," said the father, " you're not going to be beaten by a mere girl." " Well, you 6ee father," explained John, " girls are not nearly so mere as they used to be." Boss: You should have been here at nine o'clock. Xew Employee: Why? What happened?" Passenger: Have I time to say goodbye to my wife? Ship's Officer: I don't know, sir. How long have you been married ? Motorist's Wife: What beautiful white fleecy clouds! How I should like to be up there amongst them. Motorist: All right, you drive. Traffic Inspector: Xow, miss, what gear were you in at the time of the accident? "I had on a black beret, tan shoes, and a tweed sports dress." Judge: What did you do when you heard the accused using such awful language? Policeman: I told him he wasn't fit to be among decent people and brought him here! "Have you ever been in an accident on the railway, young man?" "By Jove, yes! I remember one. day going through a tunnel I kissed the father instead of his daughter."

Teacher (to pupil): Well, Billie, if you have two and six in your left pocket and four and six in your right, what must you have? Billie: Please, sir, somebody else's trousers on." Pompous Man (visiting former employer): You don't remember me, eh? Well, 20 years ago I was an office boy here, and you sent me out on a message, and Former Employer: Yee, yes! Where's the answer? "I wish that you'd show a little more tact." said the restaurant manager to the leader of the orchestra. "Here we've got the Imperial Society of Umbrella and Raincoat Manufacturers at dinner, and you go and play 'It Ain't Gonna Kain Xo More.' " A six-weeks-old calf, nibbling at the grass in the yard, was viewed in silence for some minutes l>y the city girl. "Tell "if," she said, turning impulsively to her hostess, "does it really pay you to keep as small a cow as that?" The surgeon's wife picked up the book her husband had laid down. "John." she said, "why have you ripped out the hack part?"' He looked astounded. "Have 1?" he said; and then—"Oh, how absurd! Of course! It is the appendix, and 1 removed it without thinking." In an old-world village a tourist was talking to one of the oldest inhabitants on hi* 1 'iigcvity. "Well." said the tourist, "fiippose you happen to be taken ill; how can you. being so isolated, get a doctor?" "Oh." replied the villager, "we don't trouble. We just die a natural death." The night after the big temperance meeting the lecturer met a well-known local toper in the street. "I was delighted." he said, "to hear your testimony at our meeting last night. I wish you every happiness in your reformed life." "Meeting!" said the other. "So that's where I was last night!" «

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HIS AMBITION. A tramp applied to a gentleman for a few coppers to buy some bread. "Cant you go into any business that is more profitable than this?" he asked. "I'd like to open a bank if I eonM only get the tools," answered the tramp. A DISGUSTED LAWYER. "What makes you look so disgusted, Sharp?" asked one young lawyer of another, the other day. "Why, you know that old skinflint Jones, don't you?" "The millionaire? Yes." "Well, lie died yesterday, without making a will, a.nd here are half the lawyers in town starving to death. Ilis heirs will probably get every farthing." EXCUSZD. A railway employee was notified that he was to serve on the jury. He asked the judge to excuse him. "We are very busy at the shops," he said, "and I ought to be there." "So you are one of those men who think the railway couldn't get along without you," remarked the judge. "No," admitted the man. ""I know it could pret along without nie—but I don't want that to be found out." "Excused," said the judge. THREAT. A Jewish rag-and-bone man was trudging wearily along the Whitechapel Road carrying a bag containing old iron, lead pipe and brass. Suddenly a woman at a fifth-floor window managed to attract his attention. "Hi! Come up here!" she shouted. The Jew climbed slowly up the five flights of stairs with his heavy bag. When at last, puffing and blowing, he got to the fifth floor, the woman exclaimed: "Say, von't'you put little Ikey in your bag if he ain't a good boy?" HIGH FINANCE. A lad employed by one of the big chain stores turned up to work one morning in a new car. The manager heard of it and, fearing that the boy might be getting into debt, "sent for him. "How is it," he asked, "that you can afford to run a car on two pounds ten a week ?" "Quite easy, sir," replied the youth. "There are 200 people employed in this shop. Every week I raffle my pay envelope at a bob a chance." A MYSTERY SOLVED. "I'm sorry I can't give yon a bun," said Tommy's mother; "but I've lost the key to the pantry, and they are on a plate on the shelf." "That doesn't matter, mother,'" said Tommy, promptly. "If I go round to the back and climb on the top of the waterbutt, and reach right in the pantry window with the toasting fork, I can get as many as you want." "That's just what I wanted to know," eaid his mother. "You go right tip to your bedroom this very minute, and stay there till your father comes home." WAS IT NON-SENSE? The coalman had dumped the householder's weekly supply into the outhouse and had been duly paid. "Oh." .said the purchaser, "yon gave me a bad shilling in my change last week." "Impossible," said the eoal dealer, "I've been at this 'ere game since I mis a mere kid and I've developed a sixth sense that enables me to tell a 'dud' as soon ae I touch it. Oh, by the way, how did you manage to part with it?" "Easy," replied the customer. "I mixed it in with the monty I've just payed you." ONIONS AS MISSILES. Mrs. Mac had gone to the grocer's shop before the crush commenced, and asked quietly for a pound of Spanish onions. "They're 4d a pound!" remarked the grocer, in his usual anything-else-to-day style. "What!* Fourpence a pound! How's that:" . "Weel, ve see." the grocer explained, "it's on account o' the civil war in Spain!" "Guid "faciei*!" Mrs. Mac's voice assumed an incredulous tone. "D'ye mean to tell me that they're bangin' onions at yin anither?" THAT WAS DIFFERENT. The schoolmaster was rapidly losing his patience. "You in the back of the room. What was the date of the signing of the Magna Charta?" "I dunno!" "You don't, eh? Well, let's try something el*c. Who was Bonnie Prince Charlie?" "I dunno!" "Well, then, can you tell me what the Gordon riots were?" "I dunno'." "You don't! I taught you all this last Fridav. What were you doing last night.'" "I was out drinking beer with some friends." "You were! What audacity, to stand there and tell me a thing like that! How do you expect to pass your examination ?" "Well, I don't, mister. Ye see. I just came in to fix the electric light."