THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 296, 14 December 1936, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MEN ABOUT TOWN.) "Touchstone" writes: There are some spoken sentences in English that cannot be written. How would it be possible to write, "There are three 'to's' in SOUND AND the English language" (to, SENSE, too and two)? There are some common words that alter their sound to suit their sense. Progress and content are examples. Content, the adjective (I am content), has the accent on "tent,' and the same rule applies to the noun meaning contentment, and to the verb (content yourself with little). But the noun, meaning that which is contained, has the accent on ' con. The word is usually found in the plural (contents), but it is freely used nowadays in the singular. Progress is more easily remembered. The verb (to move forward) always has the accent on "pro," with the "o" as in obey. The noun (the progress of mankind) is always "prog," with the vowel sound of frog. An American writer, apropos all the bother about constitutional issues, seems to have earned a local reputation for smartness by pointing out that only FACTS AND 11 per cent of the people FIGURES, in the British Empire are Christians. Maybe he is right, but it looks as if he was using last year's ready reckoner. Just how many people are there in the Empire? It is a realm that | marches into the infinity of the immemorial sands, that stretches immeasurably into the eternal snows. The census taker has done his best, but his figures at best are approximate. The King is the head of about 500,000,000 people—about a quarter of mankind. They include seventy million whites, nearly four hundred million Indians, forty-two million blacks, seven million Arabs and about the same number of Malays, a million Chinese, a million Polynesians and a couple of million lesser and miscellaneous sorts. Of the total about eighty million are Christians of one sort or another. The Hindus and the Moslems are vastly 111 the majority, accounting for about 350,000,000 between them. The Christians would appear to be about 17 per cent —not a verv imposing proportion, but as it is, the proportion that made this colossal Empire and still effectually rules it, it remains, presumably, the proportion that matters. It is just as well that X T ew Zealand has not come under the fire of this Yankee figure juggler, for he could have squashed us by the discovery that we represent 0.-something of His Majesty's subjects.—B.O'N. Back home in Sutherlandshire, Auld Grannie brewed wines and herbal medicines vear after year. The children were kept busy all summer gathering the AULD GRANNIE'S ingredients. Auld GranWINE. nie brewed far more than the family could consume, but it kept her happy to do so, and year after year, therefore, the crofter provided bottles, puncheons, kegs and barrels which, when Grannie had filled, were stowed away in the cellar. Then came a run of bad seasons, a mortgage on the farm, and, finally, a selling up. The auctioneer started on the livestock and then "knocked down" the land on which they grazed. Finally, he started on the contents of the stonewalled, thatch-roofed farmhouse. When Auld Grannie's cobwebbed casks were trundled out into the light and the auctioneer began to read from them the dates on which they had been laid down, two portly gentlemen who had been making themselves as inconspicuous as possible or; the outskirts of the crowd came forward, glaring at each' other. They were the butlers of two of the greatest ducal castles in the Highlands, and the prices they bid against each other for Auld Grannie's wine quickly disposed of any competition from the local crofters. Such a price did Auld Grannie's wines fetch that had they" been put up first the mortgage would have been paid off then and there. But had that been so the population of New Zealand would not have been reinforced by a sturdy Hielan' crofter and his family, who now farm broad acres of richer land than they ever dreamed of in stern Caledonia. SHAFTS. Far be it from me to criticise our Auckland Transport Board, but one is prompted sometimes, particularly during the five o'clock rush, to offer suggestions. Now in Valparaiso double-decked tramcars are used, the fare for the top deck being half that of the lower. However, I must admit that on the occasion of the celebration of St. Andrew's Day last year by the Caledonian Society of Valparaiso many trams capsized. • » • • An amateur dog fancier attempts to describe the popular dachshund as "One of those dogs that is a doi: and a half long and only half a dog high. He is long going away and short coming back, but he is very wide across the narrows.' When the pianola craze was at its height .Tones ca'ied upon Brown, saying. "You should buy one of thos" attachments they pne on tlie piano to make it go." "I don't have to buy it," said Brown. "The bailiff has put one on for nothing." A whale cruised into the New Plymouth Harbour recently. It escaped by a series of mere flukes. • B.C.H. THE MINISTRY OF SPORT. Said the Minister of This to tlie Minister of That: It is time that we discovered some newmeasures to be at. We're convrolling manufactures and we re regulating trade. While the farmer does our bidding as a pavmont for our aid: Cut though toilers all obey us, muddied oafs and flannelled fools Show a carefree independence in defiance of our rules. . They are far too free and easy in their games of every sort. So we'll have to regiment them with a Ministry of Sport. In the Ministry of Sport We're appointing a cohort Of Inspectors to examine every private tennis court. They will tell you that your runback is eleven inches short. And you'll promptly get a notice from the Ministry of Sport. Every golfer will be licensed (when he's passed the proper test). And the size and shape of bunkers will be fixed as we think best. Rugby football will be governed and by State finance endowed. While a Barracking Commission will control the noisy crowd. If your interest is racing?, neither luck nor ski'l you'll need. For with our nerfected system dividends are guaranteed: And a staff of Turf Directors to the paddock will escort Every horse that bears the - colours of the Ministry of Sport. Fellows of a sterner mettle, who in boxing would engage* Will have fort}—minute contests, and a handsome basic wage. Huskv elbow-jab exponents will be stripped of half their guile. For their every hold and counter will be noted on their file. Even anglers whose ambition is a willowbordered creek Will be made to join a Union and part out their bob a week. And we'll riot allow a yachtsman to so much as leave the port If he hasn't got a permit from the Ministry of Sport. To the Ministry of Sport It is useless to retort That your sole athletic pastime is the sinking of a quart: Though the public may not like it, let them murmur—let them snort— For they all must say. "Heil, Hitler:" to the Ministry of Sport. —SINBAD. i