In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 271, 14 November 1936, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

I cAnecdotes and I Stories z

5 PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. j » For the best Anecdote sent in each week ( ! a prize of five shillings is awarded. I I The prize this week goes to Miss A. , 1 Jackson, 12, Pitt Street, City, for l 1 " These Children!" I

THESE CHILDREN!

Father (reading tlie paper): I see they found a baby in an old deserted hut. Youthful Daughter: Thats a bit better than the old one about finding them under a cabbage leaf, anyway. Judge: Have you ever seen the prisoner at the bar? Witness: Yes, thats where I met him. Son: Dad, what do standing armies sit on when they are tired? Father: The seat of war, my boy. Pompous M.P.: Yes, gentlemen, all I am to-day I owe to my mother. Voice from the Back: Send lier half a crown and call its quits. Distracted Mother: Oh, dear, what shall I do with baby? Young Son: Didn't we get a book of instructions with it, mother ? Big He-man: I developed these muscles by working in a boiler factory. Sweet Young Thing: Oh, you great big wonderful man! And what did you boil?

"If you don't eat up your porridge you'll never be a man like daddy," said mother. Little Willie took one look at daddy, then he threw his porridge through the window.

Neighbour (looking over garden fence) : Have your bees done well this year, Robertson? Robertson: Well, they haven't given much honey; but they've twice stung the income tax collector.

"Father, what is wireless telegraphy?" "Well, son, now here is a dog, a real long one. His tail is in London and his head is in Edinburgh. That is telegraphy. Wireless telegraphy is the same, only without the dog."

"How is your son getting on at college ?" "He must be doing fairly well. I've just paid his bill for three language courses—£lo for Latin, £10 for Greek and £100 for Scotch." iYoung barrister (having wearied the Court with his never-ending speech): My lord, is it your pleasure that I proceed with my argument ? Judge: The pleasure of listening to you ended an hour ago, but you may proceed. He tipped the scale at, lost. "But I don't mind being fat," he declared; "it makes one so good-tempered." "How do you come to that conclusion?" asked a friend. "Well, you can't fight, and you can't run, so you have to be good-tempered." A little boy was learning the nursery rhyme, "Sing a Song of Sixpence." Hi* mother was saying the lines and leaving him to give the last word- They got as far as "The King was in his counting-house, counting out his —?" After a. pause the little fellow said: Coupons. "Yes," said the meek-looking man. "I take my meals at a restaurant every chance I get." "I see. I suppose you prefer restaurant cooking to your wife's cooking?" asked the other. The meek man shook his head sadly. "Xo, I can't say it's that," he replied, "but I can give orders in a restaurant." "What is the matter, my little man?", asked a sympathetic stranger of a small boy whom lie saw crying in the street. "Please, sir, my dog's dead," sobbed the boy. "Well," said the man, "you mustn't make such a trouble of it. My grandmother died last . week, and I'm not crying." "Xo," said the boy, "but you didn't bring her up from a pup."

PROOF. "Will you guarantee the upholstery of this car?" demanded the prospective purchaser. "Madam," replied the salesman, "the proof of the padding is in the seating." I QUICK WORK. A little girl sitting in church, watching a wedding, suddenly exehwmeds Mummie, has the lady changed her mind ? "What do you mean?" the mother asked. "Why," replied the child, "she went up the aisle with one man and came back with another!" ( CHANCE OF A LIFETIME. Minister: I wish to announce that on Wednesday evening the ladies' aid ■will have a rummage sale. This is a chance for all the ladies of the congregation to get rid of anything that is not worth keeping, but is too good to be thrown away. = Don't forget to bring your husbands. USELESS ADVICE. A woman was complaining bitterly to the parson about her cruel husband. He advised her still to treat him kindly and gently, and thus heap coals of fire on his head. "Ah," she replied, "that will not do,, for I have tried two kpttles of boiling water on his head, and he's no better." TIME. A delightful story comes from America, told by the governor of one of the big State prisons. It appears that two convicts, taking a holiday at the State's expense, were discussing their respective sentences. "How long are you in for, buddy?" asked one. "Ninety-nine years," replied the other gloomily. "Huh!" retorted the first, "you're lucky. I'm in for life." THE REAL PROBLEM. The voung father stood over the babv's cot gazing at the sleeping infant. His wife saw in his face a mixture of emotion, rapture, despair, admirationecstasy and doubt. Touched and wondering alike at this unusual paternal attitude and his conflicting emotions, she arose, and with glistening eyes slipped her arm through, his and looked foncllv into his face. "A* penny for your thoughts," she said in a tremulous voice. "I don't see how they can do it," he replied. "Do what?" "Make a cot like that for £2." FOLLOWING OUT THE LAW. One of the witnesses in a case heard in the County Court was a very small boy who had been called to give evidence on behalf of his father. When the boy stepped into the witness-box he looked just like-a freak from a circus. A big trilby hat was pulled down over his eyes, his coat reached down to his knees, and the trousers he wore trailed on the ground under his shoes, whilst over one of his arms was a big ufnbrella, and his hands were covered with thick gloves. The judge, who, was usually so serious, burst into a roar of laughter. " Why do you come to the court dressed' like that, my boy?" he asked kindly. t The youngster pulled the police summons from his pocket. "Look, sir," he said with a dignified air. "It says here 'to appear in his father's suit.'" MODERN COURTSHIP. Two young lovers were caught in a vortex of swirling humanity and carried into New Street Station. The busy terminus, however, offered the amorous pair no opportunity of enjoying a loving embrace until the youth had a sudden brain wave. He stood with the girl beside a compartment of a train shortly due to start, as though he was seeing her off, and gathered in the parting kisses with impunity. They carried on this manoeuvre at several other platforms until a blank period occurred during which no departures were due. Just then a sympathetic porter, who had watched the proceedings with interest, proffered a - suggestion. " Why don't you try a bus-stop, matey?" he said. "'There's one startfi there every three minutes." TOO DRASTIC. A young wife who was rather ashamed of her ancient husband, consulted Dr. Quackemoff, the famous rejuvenating specialist. " You say your husband is seventy, madam?" said the doctor. "You would like him to appear younger. I guarantee that a box of my pills will take thirty years off his life." That night the young wife, eager for quick results, put the whole of the pills into the old man's nightly glass of hot milk. Next morning she woke early, and was surprised to find her husband missing. A general hullabaloo came from below. Drawers were being slammed to, cupboard doors opened and shut, and sounds of feet running from room to room. Her face lit up with joy: "Are you feeling sprightly, dear?" she shouted. Above the noise: "Sprightly be bio wed," came the answer. "Where's my cap and satcliell? 1 shall be late for school."

"An* we was just coming to have a look at that geyser." —By permission of "Punch."