In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 115, 16 May 1936, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

cAnecdotes and Stories ::

! PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. \ i i ; Fop the best Anecdote sent in each week ; ■ a prize of five shillings is awarded. ; ■ The prize this week goes to Miss E. J ]' Baker, 37, Birch Street, Avondale, ; J 5.W.3., for " Recognised." !

RECOGNISED. Jane and Mary were proceeding to morning school when Jane noticed a picture in the window of the local photographer. She glued her eyes to it for some time, and then called excitedly to her friend. " Mary, Mary," she called, " Come here." "Why, what is it?" asked Mary. "Look at this photo, Mary. You see Annie Smith in the front row?" " Yes," said Mary. "And Bessie Broun just behind her?" " Yes." " And you see the pair of boots behind Bessie'! " "Well, that's me." "Perhaps the gentleman would like a tie in his old school colours, madam?" "Have you any self-coloured ones ? He's self-educated!"

A Scot, whose child had swallowed a sixpence, rang up the doctor. "How old is it?" asked the doctor. "It's a bricht new one, dated 1934," replied the father. "What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is." "Isn't she!" "Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinking what a good time she would have if she were having it!" Quex: Well, supposing she did throw you over because you lost your money —there are as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it. Checks: I know, but that's small comfort for a fellow who has lost his bait.

Teacher: Why are you late this morning ? Jack: I saw a sign. Teacher: What has that got to do— Jack: Please, ma'am, the 6ign said "School ahead—Go slow." "I see," remarked Bones, "that a statistician says considerably more than half the population of the world is feminine." "Ridiculous!" replied his friend. "If that was so, how would he account for the fact that one-half of the world doesn't know how the other half lives?" An author attended the first performance of his new play. It was not a success. At the and of the last act a lady seated immediately behind the unhappy playright tapped him on the shoulder and, placing something in hie hand, remarked: "I recojrnised you when you came in, and cut oif a lock of your hair. You may have it back!"

Furiously she jumped into the taxi and then she leaned back, fuming with suppressed anger. "Whatfe wrong, my dear?" inquired her husband anxiously. "Wrong," she retorted. "Everything's wrong. Fancy calling for the" author of the play." "But," he said, "it k usual to call for the author when you go to seo a play." "Yee, but not when it is a Shakespearian drama!"

A joint explanation signed by the culprits, as to the cause of a post office broken window, read as follows: 'Temporary Boy Messenger C was sweeping up water that was spilt on the floor. W put his face round the door with an unruly expression on his face. Then I picked up the broom.to push his face back, and he shut the door and the broom went through the window." An old Scot was taking his first trip across the Atlantic. In the smoking room he got into conversation with another traveller. "And tae what country do you belong?" the Scot inquired. "Gee," was the nasal\ response, "I guess I belong to the greatest and dandiest country on earth." "Aye," replied the Scot, "but ye seem to have lost vour accent."

WORTH IT. Jock: I say, waiter, here's half crown. au & .Waiter: Thank you, sir. . I su you want me to reserve a table for v n ,,i Jock: No I don't. I shall come here in about ten minutes' time wifk two ladies, and I want vou to fell that all the tables a V engaged. me OUT OF IT. 1 A candidate addressing his constitn ency was surprised by a voice whicl calling from the back of the hall said' "Well, I don't care what you say f wouldn't vote for you if you were k angel Gabriel." e Came the reply: "If I were th© ansel Gabriel you wouldn't be in my conati tuency." '" COMPLIMENTS. Servant: Mr. Triplefcfc sends his com . pliments to Mr. Cazzam, with the requeet that he shoot hie dog, which, ie • nuisance to the neighbourhood. Mr. Gazzam: Give Mr. Gazzam's com.' pliments to Mr. Triplett, and ask him to kindly burn up his daughter's piano. MUST BE A GIRL. Mrs. Henpeck (reading a letter from a distant friend): How strange! EhVeda doesn't say whether her baby isvabov or a girl. ' • Mr. Henpeek: But doesn't she say it i& beginning to talk? Mrs. Henpeck: Yes. Mr. Henpeck: Then it's a girl. PUTTING THE BOOT IN. Jack: So your father objected at first because he didn't want to lose you? Ethel: Yes, but I won his consent; I told him that he need not lose me, we would live with him and so he would not only have me, but a eon-in-law to boot. Jack: H'm! I don't like that expression "to boot." STAGGERING. A college student secreted a, barrel of ale in his room, and made good use of it. At last a master heard of it, and sent for him. The student's defence was that hie doctor had ordered Mm ale each day ae a tonic. "Indeed," said the master with warcasm. "And may I inquire if it las improved your condition?" "It has," replied the student. "When I first had the barrel I could scarcely lift it, but now I can carry it with the greatest of ea6e." SWANK. An English, party spending a holiday in Switzerland decided to climb a very small peak in the neighbourhood of their hotel. Though the climb was no more than a strenuous walk, a guide was engaged, and when the party assembled it was observed that one of them carried, a totally unnecessary rope. The guide, nodding gravely towards the rope, inquired politely: "M'sieu is going to skeep —yes?" A WARM WELCOME. Billy and his three sisters had been to visit a relative in the country. Though the invitation had only been for a week their stay was gradually lengthened to a month. In fact the uncle began to fear it was going to be a permanent infliction. But eventually they went. j

went. i "Well," asked the father, upon .thft return of his offspring, "was your iihcle glad to see you?" The youngster's face lit up with pleasure. " "Glad," repeated Billy. "Uncle glad? Why, dad' he wanted to know why we didn't bring you, mother, the maid, the cat and the dog!" NONE THE WISER. Two farm labourers sat in the taproom of the Sow and Litter. Presently the conversation turned to the Abvssinian conflict. "I tell you," says George, "If Abyssinia would -close the Suez Canal war would soon be over." "But Suez Canal belongs to Italy,' says Jake. "Bet yer a pint," says George, "and here comes old Giles; he'll settle this."^ "Who owns Suez Canal, Giles? George asked. Giles did a bit of thinking. "I think it's the Aga Khan's and it's trained at Newmarket," fie said. A DISHONEST RUSE. A Yorkshireman kept homing pigeons and boasted that one of them could find his way home from anywhere. A friend bet him £20 that the bird would not get back from London. The bet was taken, and the bird was sent to King's Cross station to be let loose, but the man making the bet arranged for the bird's wings to be clipped before it was liberated. At the end of the week it had not returned. "You wait," said the owner confidently) "he'll be back all reet." . ' At the end of a fortnight the friend claimed that he had von the bet. u "He'll come home irom anywhere, insisted the proud owner. After three weeks the friend' went round to claim the £20. ~ ■ "Tha'll get nowt—thee's lost," said the Yorkshireinan. "He coom last neet, but, by gum, his feet were swollen.