THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 78, 1 April 1936, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) Following is passed on by the grateful thief as being appropriate to the moment, it is by Christopher Morley, is headed A Translation from the COLD TURKEY. Chinese," is from "The Bowling Green" in the "Saturday Review of Literature,' and will be stolen again wherever there is an aching scissors or an ambitious paste pot. It is called. "Cold Turkey" : Once upon a time, said the Old Mandarin, Political speeches were limited To a few thousand simpletons in a hail Exhilarated by crowd contagion. But now, .sitting at home in cool judgment, Yourself can hear on the radio Their poverty of intellect. Their richness of mispronunciation. I am actually embarrassed for them Hearing their criss-cross of stale quotation, Their comic argument, Their gobboon catchwords. O candidates, be advised: People are listening. There is a. schoolboy of affectionate disposition who practises legerdemain and allied sciences. He has, of course, read "Oliver Twist" and knows that ARTFUL DODGER, the Artful Dodger was a fogle lilcher of some eminence. So he practised (merely for fun) this ancient art. The Artful Dodger lived in tlie days when the "wipe," ''fogle," or handkerchief, was carried in the tail pockets of citizens, but nowadays man and boy carry the article in the coat breast pocket. The schoolboy of affectionate disposition, passing his hand over the shoulder of a mate ill salutation, has been able to on many occasions the hanky from its lair, returning it at once, of course, as an evidence of his skill. Success in harmless fogle fuelling induced him one day to put his arm boyishly round a mate's neck and to put a hand into the lad's pocket to withdraw the hanky. He emitted a yelp of agony, which was accompanied by a loud click as lie withdrew a mouse trap on the end of his fingers. His victim, with impish ingenuity, had prepared for the Artful Dodger.

A citizen who lives suburbaiily enters to toll of a unique experience. He uses a spare section for fowls—there are hedges. During a former fruit season the THE HELMET, family made jam until all the glass jars were full and other vessels necessary for the supplies. So the family filled some cartons with jam. Reviewing the rows this season, it was discovered that the preserve .in the cartons hadn't remained preserved. So the citizen took the cartons and heaved them in the hedge. Recently there was a war in the hedges—the liens were having a deuce of a spat. The citizen, emerging to see what all the clatter was about, observed weird movements. Investigating, ho discovered a hedgehog 111 obvious distress moving along with its head embedded in a jam carton. Attracted by the jam—he didn't care whether it was fermented or not —he bit a hole in the carton to reach the jam. Obviously, when lie tried to withdraw from this sweetness the bristles reversed and held fast. The citizen, who had never seen a hedgehog before, manipulated it with a stick into a box, shook the jammy carton off, and "Hedgy" curled up and went to sleep. He Seems to have forgotten | that he once wore a helmet. If it is not true, It ought to be. Once upon a time in an old-style newspaper office there was a discussion about hoary old compositors who had been ALL FOOLS' DAY. snatching stamps for uncountable years and could set copy in their sleep. It was stated that one old chap, dearly loved by the other worshippers in the "chapel," could set anything with accuracy without ultimately knowing what it was about. And so one day they put a sheet of copy before John James Ex. He adjusted his specs, and set it to the last full point. The paragraph pointed out that John James Ex, of 149, Q. Street, aged 55, printer, had cut the throats of his numerous family, shot a policcman, and jumped into the harbour. The foreman took a proof of this brief news item to John James Ex. and asked him what in Shcol he meant by it. John, of course, read it—"for sense," this time—and having done so remarked, "Well, I'm damned!" "I'll bet you don't even know to-day's date," said the foreman. John scratched his head, looked round for a newspaper. and read the date. "Why, it's April 1," he said.

A too inadequate reference herein to the action at Sauna's Post, Koornspruit (South African War), on March 31, 1900, reminds one of a New Zealand A N.Z. MAN. man who was there. James Thorpe was a New Zealaiuler of both races—rangatira at that— and like the rest of his mates he shared that nasty day, retiring with a memory of the lay of tbe country, the natural features, the Bloemfontein waterworks, and so on, little knowing that ho was destined to see much of tho same in peace time. Civilly, Jiin was a railway engineer, trained in New Zealand, and staying in Africa after the war, it was his job to plan permanent ways—and one past the old spot. Thorpe, who was extremely bright, tackled civil railway deviations over apparently impossible bits of Africa, and was much commended for solving hitherto unsolved railway problems. He ultimately went to China, where he commanded countless hordes of railway coolies and had to militarise them to fight the occasional hordes of bandits that infested the country. Ho found his African training useful. On liis travels the lovable Jim collected many curios, and with great generosity conferred them on New Zealand friends, who still prize them much. It is of interest that this notable New Zcalander, having come through much storm and stress, died in the great New Zealand influenza epidemic.

Hasty observers make mistakes. Present H.O. made a mistake in preaching a little sermon about feet and the pavement generally when lie said that the MARBLE AND, hard, white marble of GRANITE, the steps of the New Zealand Insurance Company in Queen Street were removed and a synthetic material substituted as being more hospitable to the foot. It transpires that the observer observed inaccurately. The fact is that every kind of material over which there is incessant traffic wears—the human foot and the human liaml will wear anything. The worn white marble steps are therefore replaced with granite from the Moeliau quarries, thirty miles from Coromandel. A base of concrete is 'laid and the veneer of this rich, grey [granite is laid on top. It is being used in the railway station at Wellington, the Government Life Insurance Building and the B.N.Z. in Symonds Street. Mentioned by an expert that no kind of material perpetually used for foot traffic remains unworn. He pointed out that the Santa Seala at Rome is an excellent example of wear. The stairs associated with the immortal judgment of Pontius Pilate, brought from Jerusalem to Rome, are never trodden on, the faithful climbing them on their knees. The knees have greatly worn the steps. There is, too, at Pompeii a fountain nearly two thousand years old. The ancients stooped to drink, resting their hands on the solid marble pediment. It is worn into a grpat hollow. There are steps in Auckland mad*of the hardest known local stone which are absolutely hollowed with foot use. ,