In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVII, Issue 57, 7 March 1936, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

cAnecdotes and Stories ::

! PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. j I Fop the best Anecdote sent in each week I j a prize of five shillings is awarded. j 5 The prize this week goes to Mrs. j I Shephens, 441, Palmerston Road, Gis- I | borne, for "Flap Your Wings, Son." j FLAP YOUR WINGS, SON. A young mail loft England for _AusI tralia much against his dad's wishes. In 0110 lotte'r home ho wrote, "Have i bought a car; first feather in my cap." jln another he wrote, "Have bought farm; another feather in my cap." This went on for some time, each letter ending up with, "Another feather in my cap." ° Later clad received a letter which ran, "Dear Dad,—l am broke; please send passage home." To which his father replied: — "Nothing doing. Take feathers from your cap and Jly home." "That's all right," said the little school boy to the school mistress, when she thanked him warmly for a nice bunch of flowers he had brought. her. "I'll bring yer another lot ter-morrer if our lodger'ain't buried by then." Tlie new arrival had just been ushered through the Pearly Gates and as St. Peter handed him a harp he said "Here's your harp." The new arrival took it with a grunt. "Huh! What do I have to put down on it, an' how much a month?" "It is utterly impossible that cause should follow 'the effect. It is nonsense to say such a thing," said a prominent physician. "I'll prove to von that the cause can follow the effect," said his friend. "For instance, when a doctor attends the funeral of one of his patients, doesn t the cause follow the effect then, eli?" A small boy whose mother had recently presented him with a baby brother had the misfortune to break his leg. The doctor on arriving ordered the child to the hospital. The boy had no wish to go to the hospital, but was finally persuaded that he must go. "But." ho informed his astonished listeners. "I don't want a baby, I "want a pup."

"Are you a British-born subject?" demanded the passport officer. "Well, my mother was British," the traveller bejran. "She married a Frenchman in Italy." "Yes, but where were you born?" "I was born 011 a Spanish ship while she was lying oIT the Cape of Good Hope, but my parents died in Brazil when I was only four years old. Then I was adopted by a Chinee© who took me to Russia—" "Stop! Stop!" shouted the official. "You're a League of Nations." A city salesman, whose car had broken down in the country, was compelled to spend tho night at a farmhouse. That evening he took the farmer's daughter for a ride in a buggy. About five miles from home the horse stopped dead. Thinking to take advantage of the occasion, tho salesman turned to the girl beside him and stated his intention of kissing her. "Kiss?" she queried. "What's a kiss?" Flabbergasted, he asked, "Don't you know what a kiss is?" "No." she replied. "Well," he said, "a kiss will put new life into you." "Oh." s'ho exclaimed brightly. "Then kiss the horse and let's go home."

CALIFORNIA WON'T OBJECT. Overheard (in a tourist camp): Don't cry, baby; papa will sell the spare tyre and we'll go to Florida. THE FOREIGN SERVICE. "What is a diplomat?" "A teacher who can get the modern youth to take both Latin and algebra on one programme." SO WILL OURS. "I note an American has claimed a world's record for a delayed parachute jump." "Mine will he delayed longer than that." THE THUNDER SUBSIDES. "Have you ever earned a dollar in your life?" thundered the judge to the vagrant. "Yes, your Honor," came the reply. "J voted for you in the last election." 'ONESTLY. A customer entered the shop of a cockney bookseller and requested a copy of "Omar Khayyam." "Sorry, sir," replied the shopkeeper. "We 'ave 'is 'Hilliad" and 'is 'Hodyssey,' but we aven't 'is 'Ivhayyam.'" "HOWLERS." "A prime minister is a clergyman at his best." "Hargreaves invented a machine for spinning cotton, which he called Jenny, in honour of his wife. Compton, also a married man, invented a similar machine, which he called the mule." NOT ON RELIEF. The hanker was questioning the negro applicant for a chauffeur's job. - "Are you married ?" the banker asked. "Xowsah, boss," replied the applicant, "nawsah; Ah makes mah own }ivin'.* THAT'S WHAT THE SIGN SAYS. "What are those queer looking statues over there?" asked the visitor to the city. "Those aren't statues," said the Londoner. "They are workmen busy on one of the new Government jobs." IN BETWEEN. A tramp called at a wayside cottage and askod for a little food to help him on his way. "But you're a big, strong, healthylooking man," said the cottager.-,"Why don't you do some work?" "Well, madam," said the tramp, with a shrug of his shoulders, "I'll tell you my trouble. I'm what they call an unhappy medium." "Unhappy medium!" echoed the other. "What do you mean by that?" "I'm too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work," was the reply. CHURCHILL'S REPLY. A story of Winston S. Churchill —told by Gertrude Atherton: "Shortly after he had left the Conservative side of the House (of Commons) for the Liberal, he was taking a certain young woman down to dinner when she looked up at him coquettislily and remarked with the audacity of her kind: 'There are two things I don't like about you, Mr. Churchill.' "'And what are they?' " 'Your new politics and moustache.' " 'My dear madam,' he replied suavely, 'pray do not disturb yourself. You are not likely to come in contact with either.'" A STORY FROM DEVON. On the banks of the Dart, in Devon, some years ago lived an aged miller. One day he set out to see some of his friends on the moors. At the time three young gentlemen from London were staying in the district, and decided to get some fun out of the country yokel, as they thought. The first one approached him and said: "Hello, Abraham, and how are you to-day?" "Quite well," replied the old man. The second followed and said: "Hello, Isaac, and where are yon off to?" ".Tust to see my friends," was the reply. The third approached with: rt How do you do, Jacob?" "Very well," he replied. Then eyeing the three of them he asked: "Be you staying together?" "Yes," was the reply. "Well," said the old man, "I would have you know that I be neither Abraham, Isaac nor Jacob, but I be Saul, and this morning my father sent me out to seek some asses, but I never thought I should find them so easily."