New Uses for Ghosts Some Novel Suggestions.

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 302, 21 December 1935, Page 14 (Supplement)

New Uses for Ghosts Some Novel Suggestions.

(By D. H. BARBER.)

IN these days when peer 3 of the realm and even literary gentlemen have to

work hard to make a living, it is a scandal and a disgrace that shady characters like ghosts and phantoms and spectres should be obliged to put in only about a couple of nights' work every year. And haunting, which has hitherto been their sole occupation, ia not a very strenuous business. Of course, it may be more difficult than it looks, but I shouldn't imagine that it takes much out of one eimply to stroll along a dark corridor clanking a few chains, or to float about ciutching at innocent people with icy fingers. I expect that, beneath their cold exteriors, spectres are quite warmhearted, and if it was put to them as man to man, I am sure they wouldn't object to making themselves a bit more useful. There must be many a hardup owner of an old castle who has had to sack most of his staff and who would be only too glad if the family ghost would lend a hand about the place. At first the ghost would have to try hia skill at fairly simple jobs, like washing up and making the beds, but there is no reason why an intelligent young spectre shouldn't be trained to do almost any-

thing. Of course, a mere clutching hand would be of very little use as a member of the village football team during a 'flu epidemic, but a complete ghost would be invaluable for the purpose. There would be simply no holding him. Knights in armour would be a great success as traffic policemen, referees and all-in wrestlers, while ghpsts without heads ought to serve their country in the realm of politics. It is possible that some of the older spectres might not all at once be able to throw off the craving for haunting. Such cravings have to be fought. step by step, and it might damage their constitutions if they tried to break themselves of the habit suddenly. It would have "to be done gradually, the spectres being allowed so many minutes' haunting each night, in gradually decreasing doses. Even during the transitory period, however, they might" make themselves of some commercial value by acting as advertising mediums. This, too, would lessen the terror which they cause tc the guests who have been sent to sleip in the haunted chamber. One could not be terrified of a ghost who walked up to the bed and murmured, even in a sepulchral tone, "Yellow Peril cigarettes are the best, they do not affect the brain," or "Buy Bodzine, the great bodybuilder, and avoid becoming like me." Even a clutching hand (which of all unearthly visitants is perhaps the most terrible, reminding one, as he does, of the income-tax collector) would lose something of its horror if it handed you a pamphlet advertising one of the Christmas pantomimes. Some types of ghost might be more difficult to employ than others, but a little ingenuity should enable us to make use of most of them. At first glance?., for instance, it might be rather hard -to find a job for spooks that consist entirely of eyes. They are usually to be found nesting in pictures of wickel monks, and in the past they have cause'l a "ood deal of consternation to nervous oltf ladies by suddenly moving, or even winking. Think what a boon such a picture, complete with eyes, would be to a dishonest bridge player! He could make one of his opponents sit with his back to the picture, and the eyes would immediately see all that he held in his hand. By a code of winks he could communicate the necessary information to his lucky proprietor, and be paid a small percentage on turnover. And think what a boon another type of ghost would be—the sort that can pass through walls without disturbing the brick work of even the most jerrybuilt house. His master could keep him chained up in the garden, and when he arrived home at three o'clock in the morning without his key, he would simply ask the ghost to pass inside »rA o*pen the door, instead of going through the usual formality of waking h's wife and telling her that he was detaine.l late at the office. As for the ghost who consists entirely I of a voice, he would be, perhaps, the easiest of all to place. Apart from such obvious methods as getting him a job at the 8.8.C. or letting him act as a telephone operator, an inoffensive man, too frightened to use his own voice fo' - complaint, could carry one about with him to tell people exactly what his owner thought of them. There are s-> many people that-we should like to b* able fo put in their places, if we couid do it with a detached voice. The man ! who reads my morning paper over my ! shoulder, for instance, or tries to get a pre-viow of the screamingly funny articles that I sometimes compose in I the train. I should simply love to have a tame ghost that would shout into his ear a few words of really fruity abuse.