In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 224, 21 September 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

f f" ! PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ; For the best Anecdote sent In each week! ; a prize of Five Shillings Is awarded., ! The prize this week goes to Mrs. W.i ! Bell, Atkinson Avenue, Papatoetoe, fori ! " Domestic Assets Pooled." > j_ DOMESTIC ASSETS POOLED. "She sings, plays the _'cello, is a champion golfer and paints beautifully! " , ... "Well, if old George can cook a bit, they ought to get on very well together." First Girl Cyclist: Just think, we'r? already 17 miles from home. Secona Girl Cyclist: Yes, I wouldn't be without a cycle for anything. Mother: Billy, why are you making your little brother cry? Billy: I'm not. He's dug a hole ana he's crying because he can't bring it into tlio house.

Smith: Jones sang last night at the local charity concert. Brown: He can't sing. Who egged him on? "I don't know. Jones is looking for the one in ,tl}o gallery who egged him off."

"Is the story you have written a historic novel?" "No," answered the poverty-stricken author. "It's a modern novel now; tut I expect it will be historic before I get it published."

"Does your husband always live up to the promise of his courtship days?'' "Always. In those days he said he wasn't good enough for me, and he's been proving it ever since."

Customer (to waiter): Hey, waiter! What's this you've given me. I ordered chicken pie, but I don't see any chicken. Waiter: Sorry, sir; but if you ordered dog biscuits you wouldn't find any dog in 'em.

Two housewives were talking in a tramcar. The subject was English versus imported meat. "No," said one of them decidedly, "I can't abide foreign meat; givo mo a nico piece of Canterbury lamb before all your foreign mutton."

A disgruntled shareholder rose from his seat at the company meeting and shook an angry finger at the chairman. "Sir," ho said fiercely, "I regard you as a liar and a;- scoundrel and the biggest rascal unhung." The chairman looked at him scornfully. "Sir," he said with dignity, "you forget yourself."

The teacher was about to give her class 'a lesson on some of the most famous myths and legends of the past. Before beginning, she thought she would ask the scholars a question or two to sec what ideas they had, if any, about tlio subject. "Now, can anyone tell me what a myth is 1" she asked. A solitary hand was raised, and a little voice exclaimed: "Please, miss, it's a female moth."

The bus conductor did not notice the hole in the threepenny bit at first. After ho had finished collecting he returned to the culprit. "Here, guv'nor," he said, thrusting the coin before the man. "What's this?" "What's what?" asked the fare calmly. "This 'ere threepenny bit," said ihe conductor. "Look, it's got a 'ole in it." "Well, what about it?" said the other. "So has the ticket you gave me." I A prim young woman who was devoting herself to the education of negroes in a southern school told one of her small scholars to bring a bucket of water from the spring. "I ain't gwine to fetch no water!" lie whined rebelliously. "Oh, Epli," she protested, "you mustn't say that! Don't you remember what I have taught you: Singular—first person, ■I am not going; second person, you are not going; third person—he is not going. Plural—first person, we are not going; second person, you are not going; third person—they are not going. Now Epli, do you understand it perfectly?" "Yas'm, I unst'ands— nobody ain't-g.wine!"

aAnecdotes and Stories ::

"ESCAPE ME NEVER." An Englishman and a Scotsman were travelling North together, and to pass the time indulged in a game of nap. On settling up at Carlisle, where the Eng. lishman had to get out, it was found that he owed the Scot one shilling and a penny. He paid the shilling, butfound that he had no coppers. "A-weeJ," said the Scot, "never mind. I'll just be takin' your evenin' paper." THE LAST STRAW. Dawn found an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, three survivors of shipwreck, drifting helplessly on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Evening came and still no sign of rescue. When all looked hopeless the Irishman knelt in silent prayer. Quickly the English, man snatched off his hat as a mark of respect, and the Scotsman took a flyin« leap into the sea. He thought the Englishman was about to make a collection! THE REASON. The serious-looking man was trying hard to listen to the speaker's eloquence but the squalling of an infant in the row of seats directly ahead gave hi m little opportunity. Annoyance gave way to irritation, in turn was superseded bv resolve. He leaned forward, touched the mother on the shoulder and in a dispassionate tone asked: "Has your baby been christened yet?" "Wl.y, no, sir. Why do you ask?" "Merely because I was about to suggest that if he had not been christened you might name him Good Idea." "And why Good Idea?" asked the woman. "Because," the man struggled hard to repress his feelings, "it should be carried out." NOT SO GREEN. "Here!" called out Reginald, the office wit, to the new boy. "Run over to Nibs and Dibs and get three-pennyworth of pigeon's milk. Here's half a crown; bring the change back to me and be quick about it." The boy set out, and did not return for some time. When he did get back the manager was giving orders to Reginald, but the boy knew nothing of office etiquette, so he stepped between them and produced a live pigeon. "Here you are," he said. "Mr. Nibs said you can jolly well milk the bird yourself. And there's no change." HIS METHOD. Young Bloggs got a job in a shipyard. The first morning his foreman put a twofoot rule into liis hand and told him to go and measure a large steel plate. Bloggs returned in twenty minutes. "Well?" asked the foreman, "what's, the size ?" A satisfied grin stole over tha youth's face. "It's just the length of this rule," he replied, "and two thumbs over, with this brick and the breadth of my hand and my arm and hand from here to there bar the finger nails." HE KNEW. A negro was charged with theft. His solicitor decided to put him in the witness box. The magistrate being doubtful if he understood the nature of an oath decided to examine him on the point. "Jacky," he said, "you know what will happen to you if you tell a lie?" "My oath, boss," replied Jacky, "me go down below—burn long time." "Quite right," replied the magistrate. "And do you know what will happen if you tell the truth?" "Yes, boss. We lose 'em case." HE HAD HIS DOUBTS. It was a company field training. The captain saw a vou'ng recruit trying to cook his breakfast with an amateurish fire. Going to him he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire. "Look at the time you're wasting," he said. "When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, and return to camp in under half an hour." Then he added: Of course, you've heard of the Himalayas ? "Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and I've heard of Ananias."

SHOCK. Bill Smith, a country shopkeeper, came to the city to buy goods. They were sent, immediately and reached home before he did. When the boxes were delivered Mrs. Smith, who was keeping the shop, uttered a scream, seized a hatchet, and began frantically to open the largest one. . "What's the matter, Sarah?" said a neighbour who was watching in amazement. Pale and faint, Sirs. Smith pointed to the inscription oil the box." It read: "Bill inside." OBEYING ORDERS. Mary, in her first situation, listened intently to her mistress' instructions. "And always remember to change the serviettes," she was told. "Don't give the guests the same ones they had for breakfast. Understand?" Mary nodded. After supper the girl was summoned by an angry mistress. "I thought I distinctly told you to change the serviettes, Mary ?" she snapped. "The guests had those that were used at breakfast." ' Oh. no, ma'am," said Mary, "they didn't have the same ones! After breakfast I gathered them all up and shuffled them well and gave the guests a different one oacli."