In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 170, 20 July 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

; PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ; ! For the best Anecdote sent in each week J 1 a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. J ! The prize this week goes to Miss j i Shirley Mcintosh, c/o Mrs. E. Amner, | ! S, Roslyn Road, Napier, for " It Is So." j IT IS SO. Two children were arguing. John: It is. Elizabeth: It isn't. John: I tell you it is, because mummy says it is, and if mummy says it is, it is, even if it isn't. Visitor: Are you sure that Mr. Smithers is at home? Charlady: O course I is. I'm washin' his shirt. Lucy: Was Harry much cast down after he spoke to your father! Nora: Yes, three flights of stairs. "Why is it that statistics show women live longer than men?" "Well, you know paint ifi a great preservative." Mother: John says he is never going to marry. Father (cynically) : Oh, he'll marry all right when the wrong girl comes along. "Do you know —never once during our whole married life have my wife and I disagreed." "Well, well! That's funny. I daren't contradict mine, either." "How do you define indigestion, doctor?" "It is a state resulting from the failure to adjust a square meal to a round stomach."

S wanker: Yes, my dear fellow, I don't mind telling you that car I've just acquired is distinctly out of the ordinary. Ranker: Good lord! How? Is it paid for ?

First Dear Girl: Congratulate me, dear. Mr. Simpkins proposed last night, and I accepted him. Second Dear Girl: Congratulate me, dear. Mr. Simpkins proposed to me the night before last and I refused him.

"What," inquired the psychological student, "do you regard as the chief end of man?" "Well," answered Mr. Blykins, "it depends on what you want the man for. If you want him to do brainwork it's his head, hut if you want him to run errands it's his feet."

Footpad: Get ready to die. I'm going to shoot you. Victim: Why? Footpad: I've always said I'd shoot anyone who looked like me. Victim: Do I look like you? Footpad: Yes. Victim: Then shoot! "Can your baby brother talk yet?" a neighbour inquired of a small lad. "Xo, he can't talk, and there is no reason why he should talk." was the disgusted reply. "What docs he want to talk for, when all he has to do is yell to get everything in the house that's worth having?" Mother was trying to patch up a quarrel between her little son and daughter. "Tommy," she said, "I read the other day of a little boy who walked ten miles through the snow to fetch a doctor to his little sister. Xow," she asked feelingly, "would you do that?" "Xo." replied Tommy, "but I'd do it to fetch a dentist." Builder's Foreman: Excuse me, but are you the lady what's singing? Lady: 1 was singing. Why? Foreman; Well, might I ask you not to hang 011 that top note so long? The men have knocked off twice already mistaking it for the dinner whistle.

"They toll me that you have cured yourself of chronic insomnia." "Yes. I'm completely cured." "It must be a great relief." "Relief! I should say it was. Why, I lie awake half the night thinking how I used to suffer from it."

cAnecdotes and Stories ::

SHORT STORY. A man in a tube train gave his seat to a woman. She fainted. But she recovered and thanked him. He fainted. WHERE WAS HE GOING? A small boy crept stealthily into the gap in the orchard hedge. When ia was half-way he was confronted by *, farmer. Like a shot came the query: Where are you going, you little imp? "Back again!" said the boy, vanishing. EVIDENCE—SURE! Magistrate: What made you think {be prisoner was the worse for drink? Constable: He was arguing with a' bus driver, sir. Magistrate: Well, that does not prow he was drunk! Constable: No. yer honour—but y«Q see, there was no bus driver there at afil PREMATURE. Hungry Jim: Me and you iras bom before our time, matey. Wandering Willie: How do you make that out, Jimmy? Hungry Jim: I was readin' in the paper yesterday, an' I see the experts agree that in another fifty years the wimmin will be doin' all the work in this world. VERY SAD. The venerable Scots musician put down his beloved instrument with a sigh. "I've but one regret," he said. "I canna take my fiddle wi' me when I go." "After all, "that won't matter very much," his visitor consoled him. "You'll have a harp, you know!" "Aye," said the old violinist, fiercely; "and who's gaun tae learn the harp at my age?" THE BRAND. The club bore was bragging that he could name any brand of spirit when a member, taking a flask from his pocket, asked the connoisseur to taste the contents and tell him what it was. He did so and promptly spat it out. "Great heavens!" he cried, that's petrol!" "Yes, I know," came the bland reply; "but what brand?" NO WONDER. An engineer, while explaining the operation of a machine in a factory, got so annoyed at the interruptions of a certain man that lie refused to continue and walked away. "Who is the fellow who pretends to know more about that instrument than I do?" he asked another man.

"Oh, he's the man who invented it!" was the answer.

THE PICTURE. The hardy old pioneer had the whole bar room for an audience the night after he was nearly drowned. "When I sank for the third time, the whole of my life came before me like a moving picture,' he feelinglv recounted. It was the old fellow at the domino table who broke the pause. "Didn't happen to notice a picture of me lendin' you a coupla quid, did ye !" he demanded with deadly emphasis. HIS PREFERENCE. "It gives me great pleasure, O'Connor, , to pin this medal on your breast,' said the commander, "and tell you that I am also placing dollars to your credit in the bank." , . , "Thank ye, sorr," said the private. "But, sorr " "Yes?" „ ~ "If ve wouldn't mind now, sorr, said O'Connor, "couldn't ye pin the twentylive dollars on me breast and put tne medal in the bank ? H-EXACTLY. A. Cockney couple visited a picture rollerv and stood for some time gazing at a picture entitled, "Hawking in the Olden Days." „ . "Well," said the puzzled Enry, they didn't 'arf do it—my word—'orseback and all. , . "Bather," agreed 'Arriet, but what are they 'awkin'?" , F "Biowed if I know," responded hnry, "unless they're tryiii' to sell their blinkiu' parrots." HONESTY PROVED. The waiter bent down to his favourite customer and inquired: Would you gne me a character for honesty, sir, as I m leaving? . ~T , .. "Well," returned the diner, I don t know about your honesty, but all tne same I'm willing to oblige you. Thereupon lie wrote out a character and handed it to the applicant. '•I'm much obliged, sir," said tne waiter. Then in a whisper: 'Come again to-morrow, sir, and I'll get you a feed for nothing!" BIT BY BIT. No tenant would take the haunted liousc. Finally the owner had the place done up, electric light installed and all the latest labour-saving devices put in. Then he heard that a man had been alter the house and in great excitement he rang up the agent. "Is it true that someone has taken the liouso at last" he asked eagerly. The agent's voice was sad. "So far lie's only taken the electric ?ight fittings," "he said, "perhaps he'll come back for the house later "