In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXVI, Issue 140, 15 June 1935, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

! PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. 'For the best Anecdote sent in each week ;a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. •The prize this week goes to T. B. JVtfynne, Devore Ro.?.d, St. Helier's Bay, jfor "The Only One."

THE ONLY ONE. Jack (to author friend): I bought your book when I was in America. Author: Oh! so it was you. I have becri wondering who it.was. Proud Mother: Yes, he's learning German anil algebra now. lell Mr. Manning the algebra for "good morning," Harold, dear! Old Lady: Here's sixpence for you; and, by the by, the lady next door wants her rugs beaten. Tramp: Thanks for the warning, ma'am. Alaid: I can give a better kiss than you. Surprised Mistress: What? Has my husband been . Maid: Oh, no, madam. The chauffeur told me. "Good mornin', Mrs. Murphy, and how is everything?" "Sure, an' I'm havin a great time av it between me husband and the lire. If I keep me eye pn the wan, the other is sure to go out." "Jones," said the teacher, "just take this sentence: 'The car was travelling at 00 miles an hour.' Can you parse it?" "No, sir," responded Jones; "but my dad's car could." The successful man was lecturing to an admiring audience. "I must say," he concluded, "that I owe everything to my wife." "Hey," shouted a tradesman at the back of the hall, "you're 'not forgetting my bill, are yer?" Musician: When I bought these shoes you guaranteed me perfection in everything about them. Shopkeeper: Quite so, sir. Any complaints? Musician: Yes. One of my shoes squeaks in D flat, and the other in F sharp.

An American sugar' planter in Hawaii took a friend from the States to the edge of a volcano. "That crater is 70,004 years old," he explained. "Howdo you get the. exact age?" asked the newcomer. "I can understand the 70,000, but how do you calculate the four?" "Well, I've been here in the islands for four years, and that cnlter was 70,000 years old when I arrived."

A country farmer entered the little general stores in the village with a firm and decided step. "I want," said he, "that tub of margarine, amjl that lot of bacon, and all the other foodstuffs."

"Good gracious!" said the recentlybereaved widow who kept the shop. "Whatever do you warft with all them things, Mr, Giles?"

"I dunno.", replied the worthy farmer, "but you know I'm the executor of your husband's will, and Lawyer Styies said I was to be sure and carry out all the provisions."

Wealthy City Marl (who has taken a fancy to revisit his village birthplace): Ah, 'me! There is the little red schoolhouse, and yonder is the old church. How well I remember them! But the ilear old familiar faces are gone; not one remains to recall those happy—

The Oldest Inhabitant (advancing): Ye're Bill Judd, ain't ye? I knew ye the minute I sot eyes onto ye. I trusted your father for a codfish in 1893, an' if ye've got the money handy I'd be obleegcd if ye'd settle for it.

"Sir," said the affable boardinghousekeeper to the prospective boarder, "we have but one price in this house, and, as an advertisement of the style in which we cater for our guests, we always provide the first meal free." After a little pressure the prospective boarder was invited to sample the dinner that was being served. The meal ended, he sought out his hostess, who, however, did not appear quite so affable as before. "Very fine dinner," said the visitor. "If that's a fair sample of your catering, I'll accept your terms." "Just a minute," said the proprietress dubiously. "Tell me, was that a fair sample of your appetite?"

cAnecdotes and Stories ;:

THE FASHIONABLE PHYSICIAK.

Mr. Nerves: Doctor, what is the trouble with Mrs. Nerves?

Doctor: Well, Mr. Nerves, I'haven't made up my mind just what to call it yet. To tell you the truth, iVven't found out what she wants me to say she has. SOME HINT. She: Did you read in the papers that some people were poisoned through eating chocolates? He: Yes, dear, I did, hut what about it? She: Nothing, except that I was thinking—er—how safe wc are. JUST SOMETHING. Husband: Dinner isn't ready? Wife: No, I've been shopping all day John. Husband: Looking for something for nothing, I suppose? Wife: Yes, I was trying to get you a present. NOT HER FAULT. An old lady who could not sec eye to eye with the taxi-driver on the question of fares finally remarked: "Don't you try to tell me anything, my good man. [ haven't been riding in taxis for five" years for nothing." "No," replied the driver, "but I hefc you had a good try!" ALREADY PROVIDED. Hubby had just finished putting the seeds in the garden. "How about the birds eating the - seeds?" queried hubby's wife. "Hadn't you better put up a scarecrow?" "Oh, that doesn't matter," was the reply. "One of us will always be vaf the garden." A REGULAR INCOME. "So I hear you've married, George." Ould Gargo (who has astonished the village by getting married): Ay, zur, I always vowed I'd ne'er wed till I'd a reg'lar income, week in, week out. Squire: Indeed, George, and so you're got it at last? Ould Garge: Ay, zur, I started drawin' me old age pension last Friday. FINESSE. On a busy Saturday a lady 'phoned for three stalls. "Very sorry —-not a 6eat left," said the box office attendant, "but we have one private box vacant." "Oh," said the lady, that's no use! I can't see anybody from a private box!" "Perhaps not, madam!" retorted the diplomatist, "but everybody can see you!" The box was immediately sold. PROUD WIFE. The liner was striking heavy weather in mid-ocean, and some of the passengers were beginning to feel very uncomfort- . able. After watching a miserablelooking man who was bending over the side of the ship, a fair young thing turned to the woman at her side and said: "Your husband is a poor sailor, is he not?" "Certainly not," said the woman, "he is a rich stockbroker." QUITE FAIR. The chief examiner was looking through the papers that had been examined by his assistants. One of them puzzled him. He sent for the assistant who had marked the paper; "How did you come to give this man 101 per cent?" he said. "Don't yon know that nothing can be more than 100 per cent?" The new assistant smiled blandly. "Yes; but this man answered one question we didn't ask," he replied. ONCE BIT—

A good story comes from South Africa. During the hot weather the mosquitoes are very troublesome. The fond mother had just put her little boy to bed and after he had said his prayers, kissed Mm frood-night. A little while later a piping voice called out: "Mummy, can I have another piece of cake?" Mother called back: "iso, indeed not, and remember now that you have said your prayers the angels are hovering around you, so be a good boy and go to sleep." Ten minutes later the little one's voice was heard again: "Mummy, mummy, one of them hovering angels has just bit me!" FLOODS! While spending a day at the seaside an old lady from a country village was standing with a friend on one of the piers bounding the harbour. The season being over and the tide out, little was to be seen but mud and a few boats between the strong stone structures. Repeated showers coming on, however, the old lady and her friend sought) shelter indoors for a few hours. When the weather cleared and they went to the pier arrain the tide was nearly at its full heigM. "Good gracious," exclaimed the lady. "What a terrible state you must get in after a good long raiii. Why, even what's come wi' a few showers is nearly filled t' harbour."