In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXV, Issue 147, 23 June 1934, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

cAnecdotes and Stories t:

. —----------.^wwwwwwwwwwwwwrtn--, ! PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. j

' For the best anecdote sent in each week , '• a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. , ' The first prize this week goes to B. > } lYlorphy, Rural Delivery, To Kuiti, for ,i j' "The Leading Lady." Ij

THE LEADING LADY.

"You are looking particularly happy to-day, Jimmy." " Yes, and X feel happy son. 1 liave just succeeded in getting our leading l»dy to sign on with us far another season." "Really! - I didn't know you were in the theatrical business." "I'm not. I refer to our cook. "Is your wife enjoying her holiday?" "No, she keeps worrying whether the canary will know her when-she returns home." Miss Blossom: I didn't accept Harry the first time he proposed. Miss Wallflower: No, dear, you weren't there. . An Aberdonian entered a grocer's and asked for a box of tost matches. I don't stock them," said the _ grocer. "What kind are they?" "The kind that lasts five days!" A man, observing a carter, a friend of his, shedding tears, inquired: "What's the matter, John?" "Oh, Sandy, moil, ma inither's deed," sobbed the carter. "Is that a' —I was feared it had been yer horse!" Shopwalker: Come, come, my man, you have been looking round a long time without buying. What do you want? The Man: I'm thinking I want another shopwalker. I'm the owner of this store.

"I hop© you won't think I'm conceited," he said, after he had finished telling lier about himself. "Oh, -no," she replied, "but I'm just wondering how you can keep from giving three hearty cheers whenever you look at yourself in the glass." A foppish young man entered a restaurant and ordered a steak. After being served he called for the waiter again. "I want to complain about this steak," said he, "it's not tender enough." "Not tender enough?" said the facetious waiter. "Do you expect it to jump up and kiss you?" She put down the hook with a sigh. "What is it, darling?" he asked. "All, dearest, I am so happy," she replied. "But yoiv had such a sad look in your eyes just now." "I'know. I've been reading about the unhappincss that the wives of men of genius have always had to bear. Oh, Alfred, dear, I'm so glad you're just an Ordinary fellow." "You must find that impediment inyour speech rather inconvenient at times, Mr. Briggs?" "Oh, n-no; everybody has his peculiarity. Stammering is m-m-mine; what is y-yours ?" "Well, really, I am not aware that I have any." "D-do you stir y-your tea with your right hand?" "Why, yes, of course." "W-well, that is your p-peculiarity; most p-peoplc u-usc a teaspoon."

AFTER THE SHOWER. Adele: How kind it was of that gentleman to lend me his umbrella during the shower. _ . Estelle: It was, indeed. He is one of Nature's gentlemen. Adele: Yes, quite a rainbeau. PRIDE OF THE FORCE. Judge: Is it true that you called the constable a bottle-nosed old squid? Prisoner: Certainly not, your lordship. What reason had I to wish to compliment the officer? SO WHY WORRY. A boy was about to purchase * Beat for a cinema in the afternoon. The box office man asked: "Why aren't you at school V "Oh,'it's all right, sir," said the youngster, earnestly, "I've got measles." VERY WELCOME. Two sailors went to the theatre, and when the safety curtain was lowered one of them nudged his shipmate. "What does the word 'asbestos' mean across the curtain?" he asked. "Pipe down," said' his companion, "and don't.show your ignorance. That's Latin for 'welcome.'" THAT NINETEENTH HOLE. Daddy arrived home from his usual Saturday "nineteen holes" f.nd flopped into his cosy armchair. Presently his small son came in and kissed his parent. "Oh, daddy," he exclaimed with a significant sniff, "don't you smell of golf."

TOO LATE. Hayes shook his head sadly. "Bather tragic about the disappearance of Professor Jones," he said to hi 3 friend. "Nice old fellow, and also a profound thinker." "Yea," agreed his friend, "the professor was always thinking, no matter where ho was. Now, the last time I saw him he was swimming, and he suddenly called out: 'I'm thinking—l'm thinking '" "Great Scott!" exclaimed Hayes. "Didn't you know? Professor Jones spoke with a lisp." NO DANGER. Jones, who had just furnished a new homo, was showing an old friend round the house. His friend, who had got a wooden leg, was not too gentle in his movements. Jones could hear his friend, thump, thump, thump behind him, and began to get greatly concerned about his new floor covering, but did not know how to put it to his friend without causing offence. Suddenly he turned round to his friend and said: "Be careful you don't slip with your wooden leg on this new carpet." "Oh, it's quite all right," replied his friend, "I shall not slip. I've got a 'spike' in the bottom of it." CIRCUMSTANTIAL. The two friends had met by chance in a London street and one of them was a staunch teetotaller and an ardent advocate of prohibition for all and sundry. Judge, then, of her disgust when her prize Pekingese darted through the swing doors of a public house and disappeared from view. Both women called and coaxedj but the dog would not respond. For either of them to venture inside was, of course, unthinkable, and eventually the owner of the small animal appealed to a passer-by, a working man. "Would you kindly fetch my little dog out of that public house, please?" ''Certainly, lady, certainly," lie replied, politely. "Er—which bar was you in?" THE LONG PULL. It was the club's annual fishing contest, and two dozen fishermen were taking part. One of them had brought with him a stone jar containing half a gallon of something stronger than water. The contest had been in progress for an hour when the owner of the jar remembered a friend at the extreme end of the lino of contestants. In a moment of generosity lie called a hoy, and told him to take the jar' to Mr. Robinson, with a request that he should "have a pull." The boy departed, and was absent so long that the generous one felt quite overcome with thirst when he at last reappeared. The angler raised the jar to his lips. "Why, it's empty!" he said in dismay. "Please, sir," explained the hoy, "tliey was all Mr. Robinsons when I asked."