In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 285, 2 December 1933, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

ji PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. ;! ! Fop the best anecdote sent In each week > i a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. ■ | The prize this week goes*to Miss S. j [ Carmichael, 6, Puriri Street, New Lynn, > ! 5.W.4, Auckland, for "His Reminder."

HIS REMINDER. "The hoiise shook," said the earthquake victim. "The cups flew all over the place, and " "Great Scott!" interrupted a little man in the corner, "that reminds me, I forgot to post my wife's letter." "Have you ever had a motor mishap? "Yes. I met my wife in a garage!" Affected Damsel (showing photographs of herself): You know, I've never had a photo that did me justice. Candid Friend: Well, touch wood! Dad: Tommy, if you'll saw some wood I'll tell you what I'll do. Tommy: What's that, dad? Dad: I'll let you have the sawdust to play circus with. Jackie: Dad, a man called while" you were out. Father: Had he a bill. Jackie: No, dad, just an ordinary kind of nose. "I'm going to get a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me for over a month." "Better be careful. You'll never get another wife like that." Professor's Wife: Oh, Henry, do come into the kitchen. There's a mouse squeaking dreadfully. Professor: Eli, what's that you say? Dash it all—can't you oil it yourself?

Two neighbours quarrelled. Said one. paving the way to peace, "I wouldn't have said what I did say if it hadn't been for the. nasty looks you gave me." "I gave you no nasty looks —you always had them!"

Said Pat, t- I wish I was half Jew and half Irish, instead of being all Irish." "Why is that?" "Because," explained Pat, "an Irishman is always wantin' half a dollar, an' a Jew always has one." Magistrate: So you broke an -umbrella over your husband's head? What havs you to say? Defendant: It was a liaceident, sir. Magistrate: How could it be an accident? .Defendant: Well, I 'ad no intention of breaking the umbrella.

Abe approached Ikey in great excitement, and said, "Ikey, I vant you to lend me two pounds for ten minutes; I only" vant it for ten minutes." Ikey studied Abe a moment, and replied, "Veil, if you only vant it for ten minutes, vait ten minutes .and then you von't vant it at all!" "Gosh, I had a narrow escape last night." "How's that ?" "Well, I woke up in the middle of the night and saw something white moving in the room. So I grabbed my gun and shot it. After I turned the light on I found it was my shirt." "I don't see any narrow escape in that." "Why, just suppose I hadn't taken my shirt off last iiiglit."

cAnecdotes and Stories s

NOT WHAT SHE MEANT. Mrs. Jones, away from home on holiday (in a letter to neighbour next door): "Dear Mrs. Smith, —I'm so awfully sorry to trouble you, but I've come away without putting anything out for tha eat. Would you put something out for it, please? It will eat anything, but don't put yourself out."

WAS IT THUNDER? Aunt (to niece): Now, Min, get tip. Niece: Too tired, no sleep last night. Aunt: Why, what was the matter! Niece: It was lightning awful aU niglit. Aunt: Why didn't you wake me, you know I can't sleep when it's lightning. Did it thunder?" Niece: I don't know, you were snoring, NO GOOD. Two women, friends of girlhood days, met. ' "Married yet?" asked Mary. The other looked sad. "Not yet," she replied, "but I had an ideal once." Mary nodded sympathetically. "I suppose your ideal was shattered," she said. J ■; '-'No, broke," returned her companion. A ONE-MAN BAND. A man wishing to buy a mouth organ walked into a music warehouse and asked to see a selection of the same. The 6liop assistant produced several small and large ones. Picking up a rather long on& the customer asked the assistant if he had any longer ones. The' shop assistant then remarked: "Try your mouth along this piano, sir, we'll get you one measured." NO EFFECT. The conversation was on the fashionable topic. It was about dieting. "Yes," said Fellowes. "I've eaten beef all my life." "But do you think it has done you any good?" she asked. "Good?" he returned confidently. "I feel as strong as an ox." "That's strange," she ventured. < I've been eating fish for about three months, and I can't swim a stroke." VERY TRYING. A well-known American judge was lunching on© day—it was very warmwhen a politician passed beside the table. "Judge," said the politician, "I see you're drinkin' hot cawffee. That's a heatin' drink." "Yes," said the judge. * "In this weather you want iced drinks, judge—sharp, iced drinks. Did you ever try gin and ginger ale?" "No," said the judge, smiling, "but. I've tried several fellows who have." ETIQUETTE. Jane gave notice. She was going to get married in a week's time, she said. "But it's so sudden," gasped her mistress. "Of course, I'm pleased that you are going to settle down, but I wish you could wait until I am suited with another maid." Jane fidgeted with her apron. "Well, mum," she replied, "I'm sure I'd be willing enough, but I don't feel as 'ow I know Joe well enough to arsk 'im to put it orf!" DISAPPOINTED AND DISILLUSIONED An Englishman, while on a walking tour in Scotland, decided to take the opportunity of scaling Ben Nevis. He set out with a Highland guide and toiled upwards with dogged persistence until he reached the summit. The tourist stood and gazed at the superb view, then turned suddenly with an expression of chagrin on his face to his companion, and exclaimed: "Great Scott, what a fool I am to have forgotten the glasses!" v ' "Och, mon," said the guide, "that doesna' matter. There's nobody here tae see us drinkin' oot the bottle."

NO PROVOCATION. "What I say is quite right, you know," said the man in the witness-box. "The man who has just moved into the next house to mine wilfully threw a pot over the fence and hit my wife in the face as she was looking over the railings." "And you persist in saying that your neighbour deliberately seized the can and hit her?" asked the judge. "Yes, your Honor." "Did she give him any provocation?'' "Well, ycr Honor, it was like this—" "Did she or did she not?" snapped the judge angrily. "No, sir; all slio* gave liim was a piece of her mind and a couple of clouts over the head with a clothes prop."