In Merrier Mood Anecdotes and Stories

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 261, 4 November 1933, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood Anecdotes and Stories

f PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. j ! For the best anecdote sent ,ln each week ! ; a prize of Five Shillings Is awarded, i i The prize this week goes to. Audrey ! | Keane, 21, Hopetoun Street, Auckland, j ! C.2., for " Poop Father." ,< POOR FATHER. A lady, showing Lei- new silk dress to a friend, exclaimed in admiration: "And only to think that but for a little worm I would not be able to have this beautiful thing." "Mother," said her little son, "I wish you wouldn't speak of father like that!" Teacher: What comes after OT Class (who have been to the films): Yeah! Office Boy: The boss is beginning to take an interest in me. Head Clerk: Is he? "Yes. This morning he asked me if I worked here." Footman: Madam, Fido's on the dining table eating from the dishes. Madam: Then remove the eclair, James; it may make him bilious. "Why are you reading that book on the education of children, Bertie?" Bertie: To see if you are bringing me up the right way, mother. Wife: Do you like my new hat, dear? Husband: Yes, how much did it cost? Wife: Just a mere song. Husband: About how many notes?

"How long can I have this horse out?" he asked, as he prepared to ride out of the stable yard. "We usually leave that to the horse, sir," said the ostler. Gardener: This is a tobacco plant in full flower, madam. Dear Old Lady: How very interesting And how long will it be before the cigars are ripe Little Boy (to chemist): A tablet of soap, please. Chemist: Do you want it scented or unscented? Little Boy: No, thanks; I will take it with me, please. Traveller: This rain should do a lot of good. Porter: Yes, sir. An hour of it would do more good in five minutes than a month of it would do in a week any other time. Draper: These are especially strong shirts, madam. They simply laugh at the laundry. Customer: I know that kind; I had some which came back with their sides split. Genial Bachelor: Well, young man, one thing I notice is that since you've married you always have buttons on your clothes. Young Man: Yes, my wife taught me how to sew them on before we'd been married a week. Magistrate: How was it that you managed to take this man's watch from his waistcoat pocket when it was secured by a patent safety catch? The Prisoner: My fee, your Worship, is one pound for the full course of six lessons. Teacher: Who can tell me what the former ruler of Kussia was called ? Class (in unison): Czar. Teacher: Correct; and what was his wife called? Class: Czarina. Teacher: What were the Czar's children called? There was a pause, and then a timid voice in the rear piped up: "Czardines."

SIMPLE ARITHMETIC. Impatient Lady (to bus inspector) • How often did you say the No. 22 buses ran? . . I Inspector: Once again, my dear lady, every few minutes. • •: Lady: Impossible. I have been here half an hour and they are all No. 11. Inspector: Oh, well, take two of those: - it will be all right. i£lg& • I A CLEVER RETORT. A well-to-do Scots lady one day said to her gardener: "Man Tammas, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice house, and all you want to complete it U a wife. You know the first gardener who ever lived had a wife." "Quite reet, missus," said Tammas; ; "quite reet; but he didna keep his job.; lang after he got the wife!" TIT FOR TAT. A very stout man and a very thin man had been having an argument until, ' both becoming very angry, they . descended to personalities. "From the look of you anyone wonld think that there had been a famine," cried the stout man. "Yes, and one glance at you wonld convince anyone that you had caused 1 it," retorted the thin man. A MODEL SERVANT. Officer (of territorials in camp): Didn't I tell you to wake me at six? And now it is half-past. Batman: Beg pardon, captain, when I came to your tent at 6 o'clock to wake you up, you called out in your sleep, "Waiter, another bottle of champagne!" So I thought what a pity it would he to wake you up before you had finished' J the bottle. COMPARISON. "Now then, rawbones," barked the ' territorial sergeant to an awkward recruit in camp, "just pay a little more attention; you're not on the farm now, you know." "No, sir: I was a-thinking as 'ow a non-com. was just loike an old sheep dog." "Oh, indeed!" "Yaas; the more stripes you gives 'im the more 'e yelp&" HIS LAST RESORT. The branch manager approached theassistant cashier's desk. "Where is the head cashier?" he asked. "Gone to the races, sir," said the young man.

"What!" exclaimed the branch, manager fiercely. "Gone to the races in business hours! Never heard of such u thing." . . "Yes, sir," said the other. "It is' his last chance of making the books balance." THE END OF MARCH. A landlord called on one of his tenants, a greengrocer by the name of March, and said: "March, the first of April your rent is going up." . A few hours later the butcher called and said: "March, on the -first of April the price of meat is going up." A little while later there appeared this notice outside March's shop: "The first of April will be the end of March." THAT SETTLED HIM. A party of young footballers were in a railway carriage and they were discussing their experiences and. the troublesome time when training. A stout pompous-looking man in a corner seat put 'a few words in. "You chaps talk about work when training. What about this: Every morning I rose at six, worked till eight, started again at eight-thirty and carried on till one-thirty; commenced again at two, and finally knocked off at seven-thirty or even later —" "Excuse me, guvnor," interrupted a listener, "but what were you in for?" IN THE SAME CAGE. A well-known goalkeeper, looking for work, applied to the proprietor of a travelling menagerie and asked for employment. He was told: "Our perform-ing-chimpanzee died recently. If you care to be sewn up in his skin and do a few gymnastic stunts on the horizontal bar you can have a job." The goalkeeper accepted, and met with great success until one afternoon be crashed through the floor and found himself in the lion's den.

He yelled for help until the lion sidled up to him and said: "Don't be silly. You're not the only 'old crock' footballer in this menagerie."