In Merrier Mood

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 249, 21 October 1933, Page 2 (Supplement)

In Merrier Mood

i PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. I ; For the best anecdote sent In each week ; a prize of Five Shillings Is awarded. ; The prize this week goes to Mr. R. | Mud ford, 37, Rose Bank Road, Avon- ; dale, 5.W.3, for "She Was Popular." I ' SHE WAS POPULAR. Friend:. I hear your daughter won £1000 in the big sweepstake. That'll keep the wolf from the door a long time. Mother: It may keep the wolf from the door, but I have noticed a lot of young cubs hanging round. George: I know I am not worthy of you, but— Ethel: Don't ever say that again; it's no use worrying over what you can't help. Mabel: How did you get that scratch on your cheek? Maud: When I said good-bye to the boss at the office he had a pen behind his ear. Mrs. Rusher: Has Mr. Goldcoin, with whom you have been dancing all- the evening, at last declared his intentions, Mabel? Mabel: Yes, aunt. "I am so glad! What did he say?" "He declared he would never marry." "What's romance?" inquired William, looking up from his history book. Father would have answered, but mother was too quick for him. "Romance, my dear," she said, "is a man's way of explaining things." "What is love?" asked the 6weet girl, who was looking for a chance to leap. "Love," replied the old bachelor, "is a kind of insanity that makes a man call a 200-pound female his little turtle-dove. "Maria," said Boggles to his wife, with an idea of instructing her in political economy, "do you know what civil service is?" "Jasper," said Mrs. Boggles, with memory of recent contact with the cook, "there isn't any."

Mrs. Brown: Poor man! There is a penny for you. Tell me, how did you come to lose your job. Tramp: Well, madam, I used to play the big drum in a band, but I grew so stout that I couldn't hft it in the middle! Wlfey: Those people nest door seem very devoted, George. Every morning before he leaves for town he kisses her on tho doorstep. Why don't you do that, George? Hubby: I will, darling, if you'll give me an introduction to her. Excited Punter: Hat« off for the King! Hats off for the King! Bystander: That's not the National Anthem they're playing, you fool; it's a foxtrot. Punter: I know, but I'm looking for a bald-headed bookie. Teacher (examining class): Now, Johnny, what is a cannibal? .Tivinny: Don't know, sir. Teacher: Come, come, think again. Supposing you ate your father and mother, what "would you be? Johnny: An orphan, sir. Seedy Individual: I -would like to get measured for a suit. Fashionable Tailor (suspiciously): At about what price, sir? "That makes no difference." "We generally require a deposit from unknown parties." "1 do not wish you to make the suit. It has been so long since I enjoyed this experience that I simply wish to be measured." "Fancy a girl wearing a flimsy frock like that with this cold wind blowing!" exclaimed a grim-looking woman. "She's gambling with life and death." "Well, dear," replied her husband, with a grin. "You can't say she's a heavy gambler. She's only got a little bit on!"

and

ANXIOUSLY WAITING. A teacher was collecting for a wreath for a small scholar. One little girl insisted upon giving her penny to the headmistress herself, with the following message from her mother: "Mother saya it isn't very much, but if it had been for you'she would have sent a shilling" TOUGH AND TENDER. Two elderly ladies and one young visited Aberystwyth, and inquired for apartments. The maid invited them in and then rushed to her mistress, and was distinctly heard to say: "Oh, mum two boilers and a roaster wanting rooms." ° Collapso of ladies. THAT'S MANNERS! "Ah—good evening," said sister's newbeau, shaking hands with the younge6t member of the house, who had opened the door to him. "I hope you'll excuse my gloves." "Oh, of course," little Betty replied, not to be outdone in politeness. "Mine' are nearly as bad as that, anyway." NO FIXED ABODE. A lady met one of her old domestic servants, whom she had not seen for some time. "Why, Mary," said her old mistress, "how are you and how are you gettin» on now?" "All right, thank you, ma'am," said the girl. "And where are you living now Mary?" "I'm not living anywhere now, ma'am, I'm married." THE COSTER'S RETORT. "I wish you would look where you are going," said the important gent who. nearly collided with the coster's barrow. "Oh, yus," said the. coster, "and who might you be, my lord?" "Well," replied the other, "I'd have you know that I can write 'M.P.' at the end of my name." "So can every blinking shrimp i.n my barrcr!" snapped the coster.

COULD SUPPLY HIM. A -traveller was stranded in an out-of-the-way Xorth (Country village that did not even possess an hotel. In his search for accommodation and food he called on the local grocer. "I don't suppose you keep anything eo civilised as dog biscuits in thia onehorse hamlet, do you?" he asked. "Why, yes, sir,' 1 said the grocer. "Quite a lot of folk like you come hero from the cities, and we try to please them. Do you want them in a bag, or do you want to eat them here?" SECRET OP SUCCESS. A prosperous-looking man was strolling through the park. He was hailed by a friend. "Hello!" said the latter, with a show of surprise, "What are you doing for a living now?" The first man took a huge cigar from his mouth. "I'm running a grocery business," he replied. '•'And you're making a success of it?" put in his friend. "Yes," replied the grocer off-handedly, "in a small 'weigh.'" ' HIS REMEDY. The solemn-looking man in the smoking compartment remained silent for many miles reading his morning newspaper. Finally, however, he turned to the man on his right and remarked: "There is much unrest in the world just now, much unrest." "You're quite right." "I hope you are not unmindful of the fact that we each have a duty. We must combat this unrest." • "I'm doing my very best," said tlio other man. "How?" , "I manufacture mattresses." TRY IT ON THE DOG. A lady was giving a small dinner party and decided to have mushrooms as a delicacy, but being, a little afraid of them she thought she would first "try them on the dog." Tho dog was given a "taste," and after having partaken of it, appeared quite alive and frisky, so the hostess decided all would well. Imagine her horror when the maid beckoned to her at the end of the meal and said in a horrified voice, "Madam, the dog's dead." With fear and trembling, the lady telephoned the family doctor and found ho was not at home. However, she finally succeeded in getting another doctor, who promptly arrived with a nurse and all first aid equipment. Fifteen minutes later the family doctor called to apologise for having killed the dog with his car whilst rushing to a patient.