BAD MIXERS.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 249, 21 October 1933, Page 1 (Supplement)

BAD MIXERS.

OIL AND WATER. A CONVERSATIONAL COMEDY. (By LADY ADAMS.) People talk of air-men, and gun-men, and eailor-men. I talk of midnight-oil-men, by which I mean learned men, and of water-men, by which I mean sea-and-river-fisher-men; and sportsmen in general. Oil-men and water-men. My husband is an oil-man. They certainly are poor mixers, as we say in America. I learned that for good and all at a little dinner-party we gave lately in California. Another oil-man and hi? wife were staying at our hotel, and instead of asking more oil-men and their wives to dine to meet them, I thought I would "throw a real party," and ask an English and an Irish couple, who were staying in the neighbourhood, attracted by the climate and the sport, and who had letters of introduction to us.

One was a retired cavalry officer; the other, as I gathered later, had always "just been," except, of course, during the ; war. From the little I had seen of them, I knew that their talk was all about bun tin' an' shootin', an' motorin' an' ; flyin' an' fisliin' and golfin' an' sailin'; , but I had no idea that they could, or would, talk only on those subjects. Later, i I gathered that they seemed to think there were no other subjects. , In my innocence, I had hoped that the oil-men and the water-men would either mix or keep apart. Far from it; the water-men took charge of the party from the word go; aided, of course, by their wives. Ardent Sportsmen. On looking back, I am inclined to think that the water-men had the louder voices; certainly they spoke with an authority that my two poor oil-men would never have dreamed of using about even their very own subjects. The trouble was that the two water-men took it for granted that the two oil-men would be sportsmen if they could; the fact that they are both over 70 meant nothing to the ardent sportsmen. It was really rather alarming; and surprising; in fact, so surprising, that while ostensibly jotting down a few addresses that might be of use to the sportsmen's ladies, I wrote down the following monologue, addressed to my own poor oil-man: — "You take it from me, Professor. Next time you go wild duck shootin',take two guns. You'll probably wound a lot, an' if you have a Browin' in the bottom of the boat, you can pick it up, an' get 'em easy." t We dined at two tables; four at each; my partner oil-man is a brilliant talker, an Oxford Don, to whom, when_ he speaks about the Periclean Age, it' is a joy to listen. He knows I love to hear him talk, and he was quite prepared to giveme the results of some new investi-

gations. As a matter of fact, he did not open his mouth more than half-a-dozen times, and then it was usually to reject proferred food with bitterness. The cavalry was in his saddle, and his talk was technical, to the nth degree. Nor did he suffer fools gladly. There had been one or two jokes lately, in "Punch," that, to enjoy, needed a working knowledge of hunting, so I asked him to explain them to me. He l\ad seen the jokes, eo he knew exactly to -vyhat I referred, but for answer he looked at me as if I were the village idiot, and carried on. From the other table, came wafts of conversation, or rather monologue, about coveys and beaters, salmonrods, ghillies, cartridges and partridges. When we rose, I encouraged the four men, as is my habit, to stay as long as they wanted, in my husband's study. I thought I saw a pleased gleam in the oil-men's eyes; they moved together, as who would say: c "Now, we'll get our turn, and the talk will be talk."

Two Points of View. When, finally, the door opened, the gleam was gone. My oil-men were wilted, dejected, broken; the Periclean Period one looked haggard. I thought that the party would break up at once. Far from it; the water-men held the floor, and appeared to be enjoying themselves enormously. When finally, they collected their wives and got up to go, they both assured me they hadn't had such an interestin' evenin' for long enough; they might have been back in England and Ireland, 'pon their souls. _ It was the cavalry one who told me in a low voice that he had had no idea a professor of Greek could be so fascinatin'. "They both took all our advice like schoolboys." We four all retired, exhausted, at once. It was not until tea-time next day that we mentioned the party. _ Then the oilmen said, simply, ancj with devastating earnestness that it had been the most bewildering and uncomprehcnsible evening of their lives;'that they had not realised that such people existed. But for all that, as I have said, they made an excellent impression; which goes to prove what intelligent listeners they are.