THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIV, Issue 211, 7 September 1933, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.)

This is the romance of the Six-thousa.nd-pound prize in a colonial consultation m which New Zealanders are notoriously lucky, wmcn iiw eeemg that threa WOl . k . THF GIFT in" mates subscribfid for OF DREAMS, the ticket. One hears only the experience of a single member of the triumvirate. He obtained leave from his employer without difficulty when the oad news eLme y of that prize He wentto *. tailor and arranged for a trio of **P£*J suits of the nobbiest patterns. He arranged or a trip to Sydney (and elsewhere) in a very nice liner. While aboard the M he found Tt nectary to differ somewhat with a steward who had one evening wickedly put tohis whisky. In Sydney he appeared before his wife, who was spending a few weeks there, much to her astonishment He found Honelulu most interesting and Los Angeles even Sore To. Then heigh°ho for London, where he had hardly settled clown to a nice quiet time when a cablegram from his employer to.Auckland commanded him to "Come back at once. He sighed dolefully—and woke up.

Communicated to the milkers of Maoriland per cable that the new motor car for the Lord Mayor of Melbourne is to have a ihi"-h roof to accommodate SMALLER his Lordship's belltopper MAYORS, and the belltoppers of any who may sit in the charmed seats of the new K.R. It would surprise anybody who habitually wears this, type of lid to find how little the silk tile differs in altitude from the commonplace soft felt oi every day. The real point would seem to be to elect only Lord Mayors of a less length than, say, Mr. George Baildon or our present Mayor of Auckland; or in the alternative to fnvent an R.R. with a telescopic roof, rendering it possible for all lengths of Lords Mayor to wear any lengths of hat. Presumably if tins democratic rumour was traced to its foundation it would be found that not belltoppers but cocked hats are the reason for this new altitude for civic cars. Since an Island Governor emerged from his aU-too-lowly car and made an impression by baling Plume* against the roof, it has been felt in the most select circles that the telescopic car roof must come if Democracy is to survive, unless, of course, the official classes grow a smaller type of man-in which case all Lords Mayor, Mayors and other eminents would be chosen from the ranks of the Dolfusses. Dr. Dolfuss*. Chancellor of Austria, and rather in the pubhc eye is four feet nine inches in height, iie clears his car roof whether he is wearing a. cloth cap or a Guardsman's helmet witii plumes.

Why is one expected to be facetious when the grave subject of bagpipes is mentioned? There are fears that on the application ol a Scottish firm to the A WEE SKIRL. New Zealand Tariff Commission at Dunedin these well-known weapons may be introduced free. The learned Professor Murphy, having heard from a brother tariffier that skirls had saved the Empire, remarked, with traditional repetition, "They frighten the enemy away' — although he didn't specify what enemy Dunedin is frightened of; while no one volunteered the information that America won the Great War with bagpipes. A musical friend supplies the information that the bagpipes were invented by the Irish and presented to the Scots, who "have never seen the joke yet. One doesn't know who wished the bagpipes on several hill tribes of India, who have been fi-Jo-hteniii" their enemies with these weapons for a thousand years. Bagpipes, together with swords, pikes, bows and arrows, bullets, bayonets, crossbows, clubs, sticks and stones have won many a battle, so three cheers for the- Irish! Some time after the introduction of the bagpipes into Scotland from Ireland, Sandy McPherson was married in the wee kirk "round the corner at Ecclefechan. Interviewed subsequently, Mr. McPherson acknowledged he had immensely enjoyed the ceremony. "Man, there wis seven pipers, all playin , different tunes—it wis like bein , in heaven!"

The "London Clubman," who remarks in his column, "I would make the unauthorised wearinn- of a tie a criminal offence," touches M.A.T. nearly. Once upon IT ISN'T DONE, a time a thoughtless friend awarded this writer a chromatic tie of excellent quality. It was startlingly vivid, so he refrained from exhibiting it in public until one day, having pulled the current tie into two ragged pieces, he was forced to use the only one he then possessed —this chromatic masterpiece. It was impossible to hide such a tic. On Lambton Quay a tall man dressed in spatterdashes and showing other evidences of culture, stopped and with a smile said, "Pardon me for accosting you, a stranger to me, sir, but seeing you are wearing the tie of my deah old school I feel we have something in common. I am an Old Carbodian. May I ask your year?" The unhappy wearer at once admitted that he had never attended Carbode, wasn't an Old Carbodian—and so on. The effect of this hideous disclosure was incalculable. "I must ask you to hand over that tie to me, sir—at once, sir. You are wearing a symbol, an emblem, a distinctive mark, to which only Old Carbodians are entitled. It isn't done, sir—it most emphatically isn't done!" Apologising profusely to the Old Carbodian, M.A.T. rushed into old Dad Hill's feeling that an eighteenpenny black tie would fill the bill, until he remembered that a black tie was the Royal Navy colour, and compromised with plain and inoffensive blue. Since which, of course, he has never eaten peas with his knife or called a girl anything but a "gel"—These things are nevah done.

Aboiit now the unemployed of Australia, will bo haunting the Never Never with traps, snares and intellect to catch the one thousand emus Professor MannteuRED POULTRY, fel, of Russia, is ordering. The professor with the devilish ending to his naiine is about to feed the meatless myriads of Reds with this "plump, succulent and savoury meat." Mr. 'Teufel (shall we say "Herr 'Teufel""?) considers that every pair of birds aided by incubators will produce fifteen chicks annually and that the backyards of Moscow will all be inhabited by gigantic feathered folk which' live solely on "vitaminous waste"—cabbage stalks-, maybe— saved from Soviet stews.. In real life one has known men who have eaten emu—and lived. Has known an accomplished axeman to dismember with infinite toil the cock bird —and to gap the axe. Has known Binjie the blackfellow with a menu of snake, 'possum, ants, mud—and emu—to neglect emu for snake. Mind you, one does not object to the introduction of this large meat bird into Moscow, for an emu can kick like a horse— and no doubt many kommissars will rear them. One feels a little hurt that we have no moas left so that we might compete in the Russian meat market. The green egg of the new Russian meat bird will be of interest to Redski. It contains powerful food. The Australian bushman rarely asks for two for breakfast, and, indeed, hardly ever tackles this aromatic edible unless it is, disguised in damper—the backblocks loaf. Among other edibles to be distributed to the emanicipated proletariat is shark—far finer poultry than emu. THOUGHTS FOR TO-DAY. Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love. —Shakespeare.