IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIII, Issue 239, 8 October 1932, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

youthful wit.

Little Polly had been go' trying all day that when her grown-up sister was putting her to bed she hoped the child would be a better girl to-morrow, and not make everybody unhappy with her naughty temper. Polly listened in silence, thought hard for a few minutes, and then said: "Yes, when it s me, it s temper; when it's you, its nerves.

hoping against hope. "Good morning, Mrs. Black. .1 was glad to eee your husband at church this morning." , "Yes, eir. He's been praying for a long time' for summat to happen to his foreman."

QUICK ON UPTAKE! Curate (admiring parishioner's howl of bulbs) i How delightful to think it will Boon bi opening time, Mrs. Green. Mrs. Green: Well, who d ever think you'd be sayin' a thing like that! But I'm game to pop out for a quick one if yer feels like it. THE PURIST.' The office boy handed back his teacup, in which two flies swam in the weak liquid. „ ' «'Fraid of flies?" said the pert young waitress, flicking them out with a B *"No, it isn't so mucji that," said the office boy wearily, "but I don't hold with mixed bathing." < A LIVE "WIRE. An electrician returned home from work one night to find his small son waiting for him with his right hand swathed in a bandage. ... , "Hello, sonny," ho exclaimed, your hand?" „ .. , "No, dad," he replied, "I picked up a pretty fly, and one end wasn t insulated. A DIFFERENT BIRD. It was long after midnight when he stole into the bedroom, but his wife was not asleep. . "What do you mean by coming home at this hour?" she inquired. "Well, dear, you know," he began, "Jones is getting married to-morrow, and there has been a presentation at the club, and the usual lark—" "Yes," she said scathingly *V nothing of the swallows." « QH, NO, YOU DONT !" Farmer Brown sold some of hia livestock at the county market. "I'll, just cross the cheque," said the buyer, "and that will finish the matter." "What do you mean by that?" asked the old farmer. "Oh," smiled the buyer, "I just draw two lines across the cheque with my pen, and write 'and Co.' between them." "Oh, no, you don't!" he said. Tm only selling the pigs and not the cow." BROKEN THE RECORD. A cyclist had just finished a tremendous race, which he bad won, and put up a new record. He tumbled from his machine and lay on the grass panting from his exertions. "I hope there is nothing serious wrong with him," murmured one of' the spectators to a friend. "I don't think so," was the answer. "I heard someone say he's broken his record, but I don't think that's very serious," BEATEN. Two men were boasting about their brothers. The first said: "My brother once went to a billiards match, picked up one ball in the right hand and another in the left, squeezed them, and the result was powder." "Well, that's nothing," said the other. "My brother once went to a bullfight, and he took one bull in the left hand and another in the right; he squeezed them —result, meat extract." IT WAS A SWINDLE. In a Christmas raffle a Scotsman took a sixpenny ticket for a pony and trap, which he was lucky to win. All his friends thought he would be overjoyed at this good fortune, but when the pony and trap were taken to him, all he did was to walk round surveying them with a gloomy face. At last he turned to one of his friends and said: "I told ye the whole thing was a swindle." "Why, what's the matter?" asked the other. "Well," demanded the Scotsman, "where's the whip?" CONSCIENTIOUS. The burly farmer strode into the little grocer's shop, whose proprietor had just died. "I want that tub of butter," he demanded of the widow behind the countei, "that cheese and sugar, and all tlia other stuff." "Gracious!" gasped the widow, "what on earth do you want all those things for?" "Bothered if I know," replied the farmer. "But I'm executor of your husband's will, and the lawyer has just told me I must carry out all the provisions.

1 Prize for Best Story \ | For the best anecdote sent in each week 1 I a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. § 1 \ry T* lo prize this week goes to L. Fyfe, 1 I P.WJ). Sub-station, Penrose, for: 1 " YOUTHFUL WIT." | p.-

"It's all right, grandpa. Don't ba alarmed. I can pull up in a yard.""Yes, in a graveyard." He: "Why did his father send him bto the Air Force? She:, Because he was no earthly good. Builder's Foreman: Are you fit foe bard labour? Applicant: Several judges ha>« thought so. Squire: What are all those tickets saying "Wait and see"* Gardener: I mixed the seeds sod 1 can't remember what they are. ' " " She: I'd like some soap, please. He: We have just the thing for that delicate peach blossom complexion s She: It's not soft soap I want, Old Lady: Aren't you ashamed to ask; for money? Tramp: Well, lady, I got six months last time for taking it without asking ' Valve four: Come in and tell m» what you think of my loud-speaker. Brown: I should love to, old man, taf I promised faithfully to meet -•$ seven sharp. "Hullo! Bought a saxophoneH "No; I borrowed it from the man nee* door." "But—yon cant play IM"! j "Neither can ho while Fve "Could you give a poor fellow a Mteff asked the dust-stained tramp. "I don't bite myself," answered thi lady of the house, "but 111 call tiM dog." I Busy Father: "First, realise my tSmrt short. Secondly, say what you want ■Thirdly, be short." Spendthrift Sow] "First, I do. Secondly, I will. Thirdly I am." ' I Employers You are always rushing in at the last moment. W3iy don't you gel a bike to come ont Workman: I should, but yer see, it's downhill t'work an' uphill 'ome,

Wife's Mother (to gardening son-in-law) : I hope you're being careful -when you dig up a -worm, Richard. Remember it can feel and think Just as veil m you can."

"So Bill married the girl, ehl Well, I'm not surprised; he used to say she was his aspiration." "Now she's hii ex." "What, his ex-wife I" "No, Ml exasperation." '

Office Boy: Your wife has been on the 'phone sir, to say that she want# to see you about—. Boss (irritably): About whatf "About five, sir." "H'm—o'clock or pounds?*

"He is such a dear," said the pretty girl, praising a young man of her acquaintance. "He takes mother and me out to dinner twice a week. We dote on him. In fact," she added with a smile, "we table d'hote on him."

"Yes, my friends," said the theological lecturer, "some admire Moses, who instituted the old law, some Paul, who spread the new. But, after all, which character in the Bible has had the largest following?" As he paused, a voice from the back bench exclaimed "Ananias!"

The, talk in the bar parlour had taken a personal turn. "There are times," said Jones, "when I think Bill Smith isn't as straight as he might be." "Straight!" exclaimed Robinson. "Why, he's that crooked that if he held a corkscrew in his hand it would look like a knitting needle."

A Scotsman ran into a car driven fey a Jew at a suburban corner. The Jew was badly shaken and the Scot sprang to the assistance of the semi-conscious man. "Here, drink this. You're in a bad way, said he, handing him his flask of whisky. The Jew sipped it. "Go on, mon." The Jew drank deeply. "Finish it, mon, dye no ken you're no weel." The Jew emptied the flask. Just then a policeman arrived on the scene. "What's all this about said he, surveying the damage. "weel, officer," said the Scot, "I hae nothing o say. Just smell that mon's breath!