IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 233, 1 October 1932, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

THE EXCEPTION. A well-known journalist was touring in Ireland and patronised a Jaunting car. "You see them mountains?" eaid. the driver, with a wave of his pipe. "Yes," said the tourist. "Thiol's the highest mountains in the world," said Pat. "Is that so?" asked the surprised tourist. "It is," aeeured the driver, "excepting, av course, thim in furrin* parts. THE ELEVENTH. Teacher: Can anyone give me one of the Ten Commandments containing only four words? Boy: Yes, miss. "Keep off the grass." OBLIGING. Fussy Old Lady: I could not eat a rabbit that had been shot or trapped. Shopkeeper (fed up): Here, missus, have this one. It's' been frightened to death. THE PAST. "Now," eaid the teacher, "can anyone tell me the past of 'ie' ?" "Was," replied the pupil. past of t be'l" "Buzz," came an unexpected reply. NOT AT ALL. Man (with broken nose}: Can you tell me where Trafalgar Square lies? Stranger: Yes, take the first to the left, then follow your nose. "You mean straight on?" "No, turn to the right." YES, WHY? Hβ came into the police station with his wife's photograph in his hand, saying: "This is my wife, sergeant; she's lost, and I want to find her. ,. The sergeant took the photograph, looked at it, and asked: "Why?" ALL WRONG. "And how are you getting on at your new school, Johnny?" aeked auntie. "Ver.y nicely, thank you, auntie," replied Johnny. "I am enre my teacher likes me, because she always puts kisses on all my sums." DIFFICULT. Nervous Old Lady (waiting to cross road where there were overhead tramwires) : Officer, if I put my foot- on the tram rail shall I get a shock? Policeman (pointing to overhead wire): No, mum, unless you put your other foot on the wire up there. WARNING. A farmer turned into his gate recently and met a tramp coming out. The tramp, greeted by a friendly "Hullo!" mistook the farmer for another wanderer in queat of a nieal. "Say, mate," the tramp confided, "don't go in there. The cooking's not up to much." EASILY SETTLED. A diminutive-looking holidaymaker , (about a game of darts at a email village pub): Excuse me, there is no score board; how shall we know who has won? , Burly Native: We both keeps our own score, and if there'e any argument about it, we allus settles it outside. THE REASON WKY. j Two Irishmen met one day. The first said: "Now, Miather O'SulHvan, will ye stop and have a friendlv discussion on the matter of the Oath Bill?" "It's sorry I am," said O*SuNivan. "But it's not convenient just now." "Shure and why not?" eaid O'Flaherty. "Why, to-.spake the truth now/' eaid O'SulHvan, "I haven't got me ehtick handy." HOW GENEROUS. ; A tramp entering the gates of a eubmrban villa knett down on. the lawn and began to eat the grass. The old lady who lived in the villa, noticing the pathetic performance, came out on to the doorstep and eaid: "My good man, are you so hungry that you are obliged to eat grass.?" "Yes, ma'am," replied the tramp. I "Oh, dear!" eaid the lady. "Come I round to the kitchen door, the grass ia 'longer there."

I jjfcv| Prize for Best Story | Or l^C k est anecdote sent in each week S * P"" ve Shillings is awarded. 1 1 The prize this week goes to laa I 1 j\Jc tediard, Seafield View Road, Graf ton, I "* " THE EXCEPTION." § Witniiitnniiiiiiiiin —r — "-———""'""""""■"""""'"■""""■■""""""■"■"-"" mtnniiiiin inn— iif

Sergeant-Major: An* what didst do in civil life, lad? New- Recruit: Eγ, well, I—er—lived off the pater, you know. Sergeant-Major: I see. Tien well just put tha down as a, brass-finisher. ■ i A woman was discussing with her. daughter the qualities of men. "Oh," said the daughter, impatiently, ;"but they have no self-control." ''All the better," replied the mother. "If they had, there would be many mote spinsters." "Now, if I were only an ostrich," began a husband at the breakfast table* as he picked up one of his wife's rolls, "then—" "Yes," interrupted his patient better half, "then I might get a few feathers for that old hat I've worn for three winters I" The visiting Director of Education, was complaining that the school was aot' properly cleaned. Rubbing hie finger on a big , globe, representing the world, he , said: "Look at this, it's covered with dust* "But, after all," protested the Mfcoolkeeper> "that part you've touched is the Sahara Desert." Tooguod's face wore a worried 1 frown as he approached Butler. "I say, old man," he said, "I am sorry, indeed, that I called you a rhinoceros yesterday." Butler was ready to forgive. "Quite all right, old boy," he said hurriedly; "yon said it in the heat of the moment, as it were." "Yes," returned Toogood. "I read in the paper to-day that a rhinoceros ifl worth £200."

He: Love-making haen't altered since ancient times. ""* She: No, I've just been reading aW a Greek maiden who sat and listened to a lyre all the evening. e4W Jones (at side-show): Mister, I h ave . w.fe and 16 children. Can't you le? « look at the monkeys for half-price 1 Showman: Sixteen childreul Wait I'll bring the monkeys out to see youl Airman: Ever heard of the eayW &ee Naples and die"? e> Passenger: Yes, lots of times. Airman: Well, we're over Naples now and the engine's gone wrong. ' Husband: My dear, how did you co me to employ such a pretty nursemaid? Wife: I did it .because I want the children to have police protection when they ave in the park or in the street Customer (to butcher): Those sausam you sent me had meat at one end and bread at the other. Butcher: Yes, ma'am. In these hard times it is difficult to make both ends meat. Doctor: This is a very sad case. I much regret to tell you that your wife'e mind is completely' gone. Mr. Peck: I'm not at all surprised, doctor. She's been giving me a piece of it every day for 15 years.