IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIII, Issue 125, 28 May 1932, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

1 Prize for Best Story J 1 For the best anecdote sent in each week | *Vm-T* a prize of Five Shilling, i- awatded. | | w|r The prize this week goes to A. F. | 1 Tarryer, Panmure, for: | = * "MISS FORTUNE CALLS." | |, 1 mmmmMmmnmmnmmmmnX

MISS FORTUNE CALLS. "Why don't you work, man?" said the kind old irentleman to the tramp. fortune knocks at everybody's door once. "Yes sir, I know," said the tramp; "but lie knocked at my door when I wasn't in. and ever since he has sent his daughter, Miss Fortune!' FROM EXPERIENCE. Youiv Wife: Now, Bill, I want you to go round to the minister and arrange to have the baby christened. Bill (a shipyard worker): You mean to say you are going to let somebody hit that little thing over the head with a bottle ? THE FARMER'S GROUSE. A doctor was called in to attend an ailing farmer. "I can do nothing for you," said the doctor. "Change of climate is what you need." . ~ "Change of climate!" repeated tne farmer. ° "Goodness, doctor, I've never had anything else! I've lived in England all my life!" CAME IN HANDY. Jack: What a terrible writer Dr. Treatem is. He wrote a letter to the florist to eend round some chrysanthemums. James: What happened? _ Jack: After the florist had used it for a passport to France and Spain, and a driving license in Italy, he played it on the piano. ACTUALLY BRITISH. A nurse was waiting for a bus, when ehe was astonished to hear a email boy exclaim: Nurse, can you bring mother a it tie babv for me to play with? Nurse (to email boy): I am afraid not, my dear; they are too expensive. Small Boy: Yee; daddy eaid they W< "Your father was right," replied the ""small Boy: I know that, especially if they're British made. NOT HAVING IT. "I tell you I won't have this room," protested the old lady to the hotel liftboy. "I ain't going to pay my good money for a pie-ety with a measly little foldin bed in Tt. You think jest because I m from the country—" "Get in, mum! Get in! Thie ain't your room. This is the lift!" NOT RESPONSIBLE. Hard times in the agricultural world had at last forced Farmer Meadows to yield to hie wife's suggestion, and they had taken in several paying gueste. "What do you think, Amos," whiepered his wife, all of a flutter, "that young man in the back room has brought pyjamas with him!" . ~.,.» "Course he's brought 'em with im, snapped the farmer. "If he's got 'em he must have brought 'em with 'im, 'causu he's had nothing but pure new milk an' freeh eggs eince he came 'ere." THE MOORS. The teacher asked his class to write what they knew about the Moors. One boy's effort was as follows: — "The Moore arc a wild tribe of people who invented the Moorish style of architecture —hence the term Owen Moor, which means 1.0. U. When the Moore are out of work they become 6heiks. Dartmoor —where people crack etones as they've nothing else to do—is situated ,on the lonely moors, so that the locals may not be worried by the housing problem." IGNORANCE AGAIN. Johnny was sent to the greengrocer's for some potatoes. "Four pounds of tnters, please." "Oh, dear, oh dear," says the wife of the salesman, "how ignorant children are brought up nowadays. He means spuds." From there he was sent to the chemist's for some Ant if at for his uncle. "I want some flesh reducing tablets please!" "You moan Antifat?" "No, uncle's fat." HARDLY BELIEVABLE. "Tell us about one of your narrow escapes," pleaded the audience of the famous explorer. "Well," related the explorer, "once 1 was cornered by a Polar bear. I had a gun, but no ammunition. I thought of home, and the tears came into my eyes. The tears froze as hard ae rocks. I picked them from my cheeks and rammed thorn into my gun. The heat of the explosion melted the tears into a squirt of water, which froze into an icy dagger as it hurtled through the cold air. The dagger entered the bear's head anil molted. The bear died —from water on the brain."

Tommy: Mother, let me go to see the moiikevs. Mother: Why, what an idea! Imagine wanting to see the monkeys when attutie is hure! Customer: I say waiter, what has happened to this lobster; it is a claw short? Waiter: Sorry, eir, but they're so fresh and full of life that they fought amongst themselves in the kitchen. Customer: Well, take this one away and bring me one of the winners. Bobby was saying his prayers, and hie sister could not resist the temptation to tickle his bare feet. He endured it as long as he could, and then said: "Please excuse me saying my prayer 3 for a moment while I knock the stuffing out of Dorothy." Minister: I wish to announce that on Wednesday evening the ladies' aid will have a rummage sale. This ia a chance for all the ladies of the congregation to get rid of anything that is not worth keeping, but is too good to bo thrown away. Don't forget to bring your husbands. The lady came home from a shopping expedition and was met by a tearful maid. "Baby's swallowed a bottle of ink!" cried the girl. The lady dropped her parcels m her confusion. "Incredible!" she exclaimed. "No, mum, indelible," returned the maid. "I 6ee, Miss Smithers, that yon have spelt 'receive' with 'ei' in one place and 'ie' in another." "I'm sorry, sir. One of them tree a slip." "Well, correct it." "Certainly, sir. By the way, -which one shall I correct?" "M'm —er —why, the one that's wrong, of course."

A not very young spinster called to sec her doctor. "Can you tell me," she asked, "whether influenza can be caught by kissing?" "It most certainly can," said the doctor, who knew his patient. "Well, when I was on holiday last month a man kissed me." "Ha-ha-ha!" laughed the doctor. "You're all right If the complaint hasn't developed by now, it certainly will never do so—not from that kiss, anyway." "I thought not," confessed the woman, "but I do love talking about it." Tho foreman builder waa a picture of despair. "Do you remember that labourer you hired last week?" he asked the manager—"the big fellow?" '"Yes," replied the other, "what's he bcnn doing ?" "Doing!" echoed the foreman wearily, "he's already broken three spades." ''Three!" the manager exclaimed. "But I had no idea lie was such a hard worker." "It wasn't the work that did it," explained the foreman, "it was leaning on them." Ho came down the garden path—a sorrowful figure. She watched him with anxious eyes. "How did father take it?" she asked. "He took it all right," replied the young man. "Oh, I am glad, Jack!" ehe replied. "Are you," replied Jack, hunching his shoulders forlornly. "Well, I can't say that I am. At first your father would not listen to me." "But why didn't you tell him you had a thousand pounds in the bank, as I told you to?" (?he asked. "I did, after all olse had failed," answered Jack dejectedly. "And then what did he do?" "Do?" echoed the young man, passing his hand wearily over his hair, "he borrowed it!"