THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIII, Issue 93, 20 April 1932, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) OUR ARMCHAIR CRITICS. If everv man who's certain What the country ought to do. With every man who's positive He could sec our problems tnrongn. Took Limited to Wellington Upon the selfsame day, Tho picture that would meet our eyes Would take our breath away. Everv inch of floor space Where the members voice our cares Would be filled with armchair critics Pulling one another's hairs, And the towns of this Dominion Would be emptied every one; For I'm an armchair critic, And so are you, old son. A.-ML. A Melbourne man lately noted a garage break-down van being towed triumphantly home by a dilapidated touring ear. He said that those who saw the LION AND MOUSE, incident must have felt as surprised as if they bad heard that the Commonwealth had borrowed five million pounds from Mr. Lang. Dear M.A.T., —Owing to a recent accident when a young lady of the troupe fell from the stage to the orchestra and in so doing chipped one of her preciBIT BY BIT. ous teeth, the management of the theatre in question has insured the teeth of all its chorus girls for £10,000. If teeth are damaged in future the insurance company will have to pay through the nose. There will be no gnashing of damaged teeth, because ample financial compensation will be forthcoming. This habit of insuring one's self in little bits seems to be spreading. Pianists now insure their fingers, violinist* their hands, dancers their toes and chorus girls their teeth. In these cases the parts are more than the whole, and it would be cheaper to kill prominent performers outright than to destroy them piecemeal. —W. Auckland, as is well known, has too few places where the intending passenger by wheeled transport may rest until the transport arrives. People, howFRONT SEATS, ever, adapt themselves to circumstances, but up to now intending bus passengers, unlike sports fans, have never been seen carrying their own fruit cases as temporary perches. However, on a recent day passengers waiting for their vehicle on a certain corner noted that a shop window was without glass. It had suffered in a disturbance and the glaziers had removed the shattered fragments. Inside there were tiers of benches which had been used previously for the display of goods. The spectacle was afforded of several waiting passengers quietly entering the window and taking the seats 'so thoughtlessly provided for them by unpleasant citizens.

The story is current in Auckland of the uplift American who on a world tour dropped in at Samoa just to see whether the heathen in his blindness was 'bowPOLYGAMISTS. ing down to wood and stone. On the whole, he found his "brown brother a little uncommunicative, and, like the men of other native races, poker-faced when asked a question he did not savvy. Thus he took a taxi cab with Savu Savu, the handsome driver, at the wheel. The chauffeur on the way pointed out when desired objects of interest, and particularly a village which had apparently escaped the unnerving onrush of pakeha ideas. The people, according to Savu Savu, had preserved in its pristine purity some of the virtues, manners and traditions of their forefathers. Then the car passed a nice tennis ground. Ho one was engaged in play at the time. The American, continuing the discussion on native habits, said:-"Tell me, do the Samoans stil* practise polygamy?" The driver thought deeply for a moment, and then turning an inscrutable face to the tourist, said, "Yes, sir, every afternoon at three o'clock."

The increased prominence of Colonel Lindbergh, the American aviator, due to the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby, makes it interesting to say that JEEVES. the colonel has an English butler, an English cook, and an English nursemaid. It is the hallmark of American prosperity to possess one of those grave and reverend signors, a carefully-trained English butler. But one read with sorrow that owing to the diminuation of millions in the United States the English butler market is exceedingly dull. One hears that the care-fully-trained English servant with the archidiaconal manner is having a bad spin in the United States and that English trainers, jockeys, golf professionals and bar stewards (the rich American keeps a tame bartender) are either on the bread line or heading for London once again. An American banker considered he had the finest Jeeves England ever produced and used to pay him a whacking wage for buttling. When the banker went visiting to Europe he used to bring his butler back something exceedingly nice in the way of a present. This banker went to Russia to be present at a sale of royalist pictures auctioned by the Soviet. He bought a picture of an ancestor of a grand duke, and when he got back to New York solemnly presented it to his butler. He reckoned that nobody deserved to have a swell ancestor better than his prize butler. When the American fleet lay at Auckland a young officer while a guest at a club was waited on by an exceedingly cultured steward. "Say!" he remarked; "you sure remind me of one of those English butlers I've read about." Then the steward froze him to death with, "Pardon me, sir, I used to employ a butler."

For years and years Mr. X. has inhabited lin "business hours a cosy little office. Callers have got used to that office and have become habituated to seeing Mr. i THE CHANGE. X. peering above masses of paper, have stumbled over choked wastepaper baskets and cannoned against chairs the seats of which were piled high with documents. Bookshelves containing works to which no one ever refers were filled with volumes staggering against each other, lying at all angles, covered with the accumulated dust of the seasons. One recent day an habitual caller looked in expecting to see Mr. X. writing on the two inches of clear space he allowed himself. What was his astonishment to see the office window shining like a bubble and with a chic vase of chrysanthemums on the ledge. The whole of the documentary evidence that had for so long strewn the scene had been garnered and had disappeared. Flowers were dotted here and there and had apparently grown in a single night. The table gleaming in its french polish was cleared from end to end and a typewriter absolutely shouting with polish was in the dead centre of that table The sun glorified the backs of books hitherto unknown to this retreat, the few scraps of paper had been carefully disposed of in a waste basket. The whole place had had a wash and a brush up. The astounded caller hung about in the corridor wondering what had occurred to work this change in Mr. X.'s habits. A lady came along the passage. "Will Mr. X be long?" asked the caller, in a hushed voice. "Oh," said the lady, "this is not Mr. X.'s office now. He has moved to number 14a, on the right-hand side of the passage. This is my office." "Ah!" said the habitual caller. "That explains it," and wandered forth looking for X. WHO TOLD YOU THAT? Friend (to young wife contemplating divorce): "Remember, dear, you took your husband for better or for worse." "Butl djdn'i-iake Jbim iot^ood^dwiJ^