THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXIII, Issue 78, 2 April 1932, Page 8

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) Dear M.A.T., —Do you enjoy jokes about sausages? Neither do I! None cxcept "the hissing story in "Punch," but "Punch" is, of course, "Punch," a propoMAKING sition Mr. Wells would ENDS MEAT, say he never disputed. "No, madam," said our grocer, "we don't liave sausages. We tried ft once. The man said he would call every day, take away those we had not sold, and leave us fresh 'ones. That sounded all right. The first day he took ours away and left us others. The next flay we found he had taken A.'s left-overs to B.'s, taken B.'s to C.'s, taken ours to G.'s, until he got to " "Yes," I said hurriedly, "I know where those that do that kind of thing end up!" And so home to tea with the breakfast bacon. —Ezralinc.

Pathetic references to sausages herein by a correspondent will remind readers of the sausages immortalised by Sam Weller. Sam told the story of the VEILED sausage grinder who had MYSTERIES, a nag of a wife and a patent neve l'-l ea v e-o If sausage machine, which would grind up a paving stone as "easy as if it was a new-born babby." A sausage addict one day called on the sausage grinder's wife and asked her furiously what she meant by putting buttons in the sausages. The sausage maker, it must be explained, had been threatening to go to America, and the good lady had told him she "wished the Morrikans joy of their bargain." But when the sausa,ge addict showed the lady several half-buttons she recognised them. In a fit of desperation her husband "had rashly conwerted hisself into sassiges." "Pickwick" also has the Weller story of the eminent pie maker who changed the flavour of his pies "jest as the seasons changed and appetites waried," all being made "from that noble animal the cat."

PERSONALITY OF THE WEEK.

General Edward John Higgins, C.8.E., world head of the Salvation Army, is a Somerset man. He was born in Highbridge, in that county, ever so many NO. 253. years ago, for he has been in the great organisation for fifty years, entering it as an officer. He went to Dr. Morgan's school at Bridgewater. Mrs. Higgins was Catherine Price, of Penarth, and there are four sons and three daughters. General Higgins has held many high S.A. positions, including a position on the stall" of the International Training College at Clapton and the chief secretaryship in the United States for nine years. As a traveller he has practically combed the world. He was Chief of Staff from 1019 to 1929, the High Council calling him to the supreme position in succession to General Bramwell Booth in the latter year.

Dear M.A.T., —Just after tea time the other night a small boy, aged twelve, and a pupil at one of the secondary schools, was enthusing

over his half-term report, THE CHILD MIND, and in telling the family

what he was and what he was not going to do in later years, suddenly observed, very seriously: "I do not think I shall be a Rhodes scholar, because, when I go to England, I should be seasick." The family was absolutely convulsed.—L.C.R,

She is a very good cow, plum]) and happy, and she belongs to a suburbanite who is proud of her. But in her youthful daya she sus-

tained an accident, losing SWAT THAT the larger part of her tail FLY! and being left with the

stump. The ingenious and humanitarian owner, feeling that Bella was handicapped in the constant bovine war between beast and insect, lias carefully bent on to the stump a piece of rope frayed out at the end into an excellent imitation of the natural tassel. Bella is therefore apparently unaware of her caudal loss and is able without difficulty to compete with naturally-tailed cows in fly time. This seems a far finer device than that of a Waikato humanitarian "who, having a tailless cow, pasted fly-papers on her hack.

It is a smart little car. The owner lives in Remucra. The young fellow of the house liad a sort of working fever on the day of which one writes, careTHE CAR RIDE, fully collecting the household garbage and consigning it to the household tin for removal. Then, as a matter of fact, he shone the car up till it gleamed like a bubble, and mother having arrived, the twain went for a long, lovely ride in perfect weather. En route they were astonished at the apparent sensation they created, people regarding the car closely and with keen interest. The occupants felt that the smartness of the car was attracting pleased attention. But a policeman oil a corner took critical eyefuls, as also did another policeman on another corner. The young fellow dismounted to find that he had been carting the family rubbish bin on the bumper, and it occurred to both that the policemen were possibly noting that the plate was obscured. To avoid complications, therefore, the smart car was driven to the municipal rubbish department, the astounded populace being convinced that carting one's own rubbish was a new kind of economy. As a matter of fact, the young man in cleaning up the home premises had put the rubbish tin on the front of the car merely to take it lifty yards to a spot where the scavengers would see it, forgetting to remove it when mother came out for her drive. Dear M.A.T., —Does the following strike you as funny as it did lis? We nearly choked at tea time over the story as related by the innocent perpetrator of TOUJOURS the faux pas. On our LA POLITESSE. annual Easter cruise we had included in our itinerary a coastal port not a hundred miles from Kawau. The local bowling club invited our crew to spend the afternoon on their green, and more or less successful attempts were made to "kiss kitty." The hero of this tale, knowing less of bowls than of producing potatoes and onions of prodigious circumference, lighted up a consoling pipe and cast the match, still flaring, on the sacred sward! In frozen silence the local skip, also a pine smoker, stooped to remove the blot upon the landsca-pc, when the offender, hastily proffering his opened matchbox, exclaimed, "Don't bother picking up that one, skip. Here's the full box!"—B.W.H. ■