IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXIII, Issue 78, 2 April 1932, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

STUCK IN THE WRONG "PLACE.

Hubby was very tight and he knew it; but he thought he could get inside without waking the wife. He managed quite well to the top of the stairs, but there ho fell down and cut his head. However, he did not wakon his wife, so he went into the bathroom to effect the necessary repairs. Eventually he got into bed. Next morning the wife was up first and shortly returned to his room, when the following conversation took Wife: George, were you drunk last night? ' George: Good heavens! No, dear. JNo. No —er, why do you ask? Wife: Because I have just noticed that there are little bits of sticking plaster all over the bathroom mirror! THE RECIPE. Mrs. Newly wed: I get so upset when I ask my husband for money. Were you that way? . _ . , Mrs. Old-Timer: No, indeed. I just remained calm —and collected. EXTREMELY LOW. Old Lady (to miner, after asking many silly questions): Is it very low where you work? Miner: Low! I should say so! I caught six mice the other day, and they were all bow-legged. TAKING NO RISK. Brown owed Green some money, and when they met in the street one day Brown said cordially: Ah, how are you, Green? Glad to meet you, I'm sure; have a pinch of snuff? "Thank you, but not before youve settled that little account of mine," replied Green. "You escaped me the other day while I was sneezing." SENSE OF SMELL. Jock and his sweetheart were passing a hot chestnut barrow one night, when the damsel whispered: "Oh, Jock, how nice those chestnuts smell!" "Yes, they do," agreed the gallant. "Let's stand still for five minutes and get a real good sniff."

VERY DOMESTICATED. Husband: Darling, I have bought you a lovely chicken. Can you draw it for me, I won't be late for dinner." Wife: Certainly. But on husband returning to dinner he finds there is none ready, and aaks his darling why. Wife replies: "Well, dear, you know I did not do much schooling, and cannot draw very well,* so I sent the chicken to the photographers." ■ * ftffijiS! THE REASON. A young man who was engaged to a pretty actress surprised his friends by breaking off the engagement. One of them ventured to question him, and he said: "Last time I kissed her she smelt strongly of tobacco." "But yoirdon't object to women smoking?" asked his friend. "No," he replied, "but I strongly object to a prospective wife who smokes a pipe, chews twist, and takes liberal doses of snuff." TOO CLEVER FOR HIM. A country young man was courting a rich farmer's daughter (much against her parent's wish). They decided to elope. One night, when the household was fast asleep, he brought his pony fo fetch her, and placed a ladder up to her bedroom window, and down she came. When they were going along she said: "David, you ought to be very kind to me, as I am risking all this for you." He replied, very cool: "I may and I may not." When they had gone a little farther, she exclaimed: "Oh, David, I have left all my money on the dressing table; whatever shall I do?" So he replied: "Go back and fetch it, of course."

So they returned to her home, he placed the ladder again up to her bedroom window, and she got in. He was waiting patiently for her to come, and at last shouted: "Jane, are you coming?" She replied: "I may and I may not." So the disappointed lover had to return alone.

I Prize for Best Story I For the best anecdote sent in each week 1 a prize of Five Shillings is awarded. 1 The prize this week goes to Annie 1 Edgar, Meola Road, Point Chevalier, for: 1 I "STUCK IN THE WRONG PLACE." | iiiummiiiiinimuiiimmiiiiiminmuii urn —

Poultry-dealer: Wliat sort of a f ow i shall I send you, Mr. Snips? Snips (the tailor): Oh, & doubla. breasted one will do! Johnny was reading about the latest murder in the daily newspaper. "Father, what is a clue?" he asked. "A clue is what keeps the detective occupied while the criminal is making his escape!" was the reply. Distressed Charlady: They won't gim my 'usband the dole any more, miss Mistress: Well, he's been on since th« commencement, hasn't he, Mrs. Greenl Charlady: That's wot he s/iys, Misa. They've 'ad the best years of 'is Jife. Caller: I would like to .see the iudpi please. Maid: Sorry, but he is at dinner. Caller: But I must see him.-nm» honour is at stake. ' ' Maid: Sorry, so is his Honor. The ship was rapidly sinking, and rockets were being frantically sent upt when a man tapped the captain on th« arm. "Look here," he said, "I'm no spoil sport, but, really, I do think that this jg hardly the time for fireworks!" An old gentleman walked into ad antique dealer's shop. "This is a very interesting piece, said the dealer. "A William and Mary chair!" ' "It's a bit small," replied the customer "It looks as though Mary must have sat on William's lap!"

In a club smoke room two busine6S men, past middle-age, were criticising the young men of to-day. Said one: Look liow reluctant they are to marry and settle down. "That's so," said the other, "they seem afraid of marriage. Why, before I was married I simply did not know what fear was." It was foggy, and the village band* playing carols, were finding their way about with difficulty. They had been standing in a murky lane playing tlis "Mistletoe Bough," and the collector had hurried up to the dim outline with liis money-box. Suddenly he came rushing back to his companions. _ , Stop playin'l" he shouted. "It ain't a 'ouse —it's a bloomin' 'aystack!" Two managers were discussing tha possibilities of a certain candidate iotj Cinderella in pantomime. They admitted she had her share at good looks, but, said one, dubiously knowing the lady's weakest point: "Do you think she could get her foot into the crystal slipper ?" "She couldn't get it into the Crystal Palace," was the candid reply. A detective asked an office boy if it was Mr. Jones or his partner who reached the office first as a rule. "Well," said the boy, turning very red, "Mr. Jones at first was always last, but later he began to get earlier, till at last he was first, though before he had always been behind. He soon got later again, though of late he has been sooner, and at last he got behind as before. But I expect he'll be getting earlier, sooner or later." v