CAMEL HATER'S UNCLE.

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 288, 5 December 1931, Page 9 (Supplement)

CAMEL HATER'S UNCLE.

EXPLOITS OF HURRICANE SAW!

A CONVERT TO KINDNESS.

AND A CYCLONIC RELAPSE,

Among the notable foreigners who recently arrived in New York to criticise the tall buildings, the noises and the suffering inhabitants was Bimbashi Spoofah Bey, formerly of El Wakad Wahibbi's Camel Corps, accompanied by his Sudanese servant Mazzlim, says a writer in the "New York Tiir/es." The Bimbashi, a title corresponding to that of major in the American Army, said he was on his way to the upper waters of the River Orinoco to search for the bones of the giant slotn and to seek the blue-faced jaguar, which is almost extinct. Like the majority of the men who have lived in the desert and burned their faces and eyes through looking for the next oasis to get a drink, Spoolah Bey, as he is known by the Bedouin tribes from Jeddah to Aden, on the Red Sea, and Muscat, on the Persian Gulf, is very reserved and hates to talk about himself. Seeks to Avoid Camels. He told the reporters that his principal object in coming to New York was to get away from camels, which he intends to hate till death, and after. He added that he never wished to see an-, other, not even in a menagerie. "Camels," continued Spoofah Bey, "are the morons of the animal world. There is nothing in their cosmos to appeal to. For five years I treated Seliin, my big military trotting camel, like a pet child, and in return the ungrateful beast would try to bite my foot when I halted to light a cigarette, i If I was dismounted Seliin would either kick me with his front legs or stamp_on my feet with his large, .spongy hind hoofs. His beet work was going through Bedouin camps at night, when the halfstarved pack of dogs rushed out and tried to eat us up. Then Selim, it seemed to me, would lunge out with all four legs at once, while I lashed at the dogs with my rhinoceros-hide kurbaeh. He would swerve out of his way going through a native village to trample upon some poor, aged, blind Arab woman and knock down her little wooden tray of banana fritters and mingle them with the scorching sand. My servant Mazzlim takee after the camels and does not know enough to shovel sand against a tide." Exploits of "Hurricane" Sam. While reticent about his own adventures, the Bey was willing to talk about his great uncle, Captain Sam Spoofah, master mariner, known in the China Seas as Hurricane Sam because he drove his clipper ship, the Daring Amy, down through the Li-y-Moon Pass into Hongkong under a goosewing main topsail and anchored safely in the midst of a howling typhoon while hundreds of junks and other craft were dashed to pieces on the rocks.

"I remember, when I was a small boy, how he visited Spoofah Manor at the old town of Suddlecomb on the Sud and heard the rector say it was a pity such a fine man was so steeped in sin," the camel hater said. "One of his best yarns was an account of his being shanghaied at Capetown, South Africa, and being put on board a mission ship bound for the Solomon Islands. At that time Hurricane Sam was well over 60, but was hale and hearty. Like most of the Spoofah family, he hardly ever had money, but he was democratic and would drink with anyone who had. "On this occasion, when windjammers were in their prime days, my great-uncle went on a special bender in Capetown. and woke up in the foc-sle of the missionary barque Mary and Martha. 'Instead of being roused out of his bunk by a mate who threatened to cut his heart out if he did not 'monte arrivo , on deck P. D. Q., a gentle voice said, 'Drink this, brother; it will do you good. , Sam gazed in amazement at the tall, fair, beardede man beside the bunk, who said he wag the mate and that his name was Spread the True Word Smithers. i Sam. was further surprised to find that the crew were named after the Apostles and the captain was called Walk in the Right Way i Simpkins. The crew addressed each other as Brother Matthew, Brother Mark or Brother Luke, whichever 'it might be. The cook was called Brother Didymus and the steward Brother Thaddaeus.

Prayers Twice Daity. "Prayers were read morning and evening on the. good ship, and there were two services every Sunday. Four times daily the kind-spoken mate gave Hurricane. Sam a refreshing draught of the thin white-looking liquid which had revived him so quickly after his terrible debauch on 'Cape Smoke,' the chain lightning sold in the grog shops at Capetown. "All went well until one Sunday when the Mary and Martha was nearing the Solomon Islands and encountered a cyclone which blew the upper sails out of the bolt ropes and threatened to sink the ship. The pious mate lost his head in the shrieking of the wind and the waves rushing on board with a fury that sAvept everything before them. Suddenly the captain, 'Walk in the Right Way , Simpkins, handed a belaying pin to the converted Sam Spoofah and said, 'Take charge as mate and do as you used to do on the Dudley Buck and_ the other clippers you were in. Sam did. AH his old blood and fire training came back to him in a flash as he wielded the belaying pin and sung out 'Lay aft the watch, and God spare the last man. 5 When Matthew said, 'Why so rough, brother? , Sam knocked him endways over the spare spars lashed amidships and threw Luke after him and kicked Didymus, the cook, with his sea boots on. Myrtle, the ship's cat', went up on the top of the galley and stopped there for two days. ''Hurricane' Sam saved the ship and brought her safely into the harbour of Bali.

Takes Sample of Elixir. "After being paid off he went to Singapore and took a, sample of the famous thin colourless elixir the mate had issued to him daily and which had completely rejuvenated the veteran mariner. He left the bottle at a chemist's to have it analysed, and later received a paper with some strange code written upon it. "When Sam finally returned to Lon-_ don he took the paper to a wealthy friend and suggested that it should be made up and sold to the public, as there would be a fortune in it. His friend unfolded the paper and read: 'H2 o.' Then he said, 'You blithering old idiot— 'it's water.' And Captain Sam put his arey head out of the window and swore until the passing cabmen said, 'Oh, hush.'" ~ I Bimbashi Spoofah Bey said he would i remain in New York only a few days, as he was afraid of fire engines.