IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 282, 28 November 1931, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

WHERE SAFETY LAY. A young curate found the ladies in the parish too helpful. # At last he left. Afterwards he met his successor and asked: "Well, how do you get on with the ladies ?" "Oh, very well," said the other, "there is safety in numbers." i "Ah, safety in Numbers! I only found j it in Exodus," was the reply. SOMETHING ELSE AGAIN. Landlady: So Mr. Newboard has found something fresh to complain about this morning. Maid: No, mum, it's the eggs." FORCE OF HABIT. "Fill her up," said the absent-minded motorist to the waiter, as he parked himself in the restaurant with his fiancee. COMMON LOT. "I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce." "Are you married?" "Yes." "Of course you have." EARNEST TIME-SAVER. "Isn't it remarkable how Alice keeps her age?" * -"Yes, she hasn't changed it for ten years." DIFFERENT CLAN. The foreman looked the applicant for work up and down. "Are you a mechanic?" "No, sorr," was the answer, "oi'm a McCarthy."^ DOLCE FAR NIENTE. "Jones always strikes me as an indolent sort of chap."' "Indolent ? Why that fellow is so lazy he always runs his automobile over a bump to knock the ashes off his cigar." ASSERTIVE. Minister: I was very pleased to see you at our Harvest Thanksgiving service last Sunday, Sandy. Sandy: Weel, ye see, it's this way — the missus hates me to go out on Sundays, and I have to do something to show her I'm the boss. LACKED FINESSE. "Where's old Bill been lately?; I haven't seen him for months." "What? Haven't you 'eard? He's got three years for stealin' a car;" "What did he want 3 to steal a car for? Why didn't he buy one an' not pay for it, like a gentleman!" • DESERVES A BOUQUET * The absent-minded professor was busy in his study. .« . _ ;v. "Have you seen this?" said'his-wife, entering. "There's a report in the paper of your death." "Is that so?" returned -the professor without looking up. "We must remember to send a wreath." FOR COMPANY. , Farmer (to lad): "Hold my horse a while, lad." Lad: "Will it bite?" Farmer: "No." "Will it run away?" ' "No." "Then what do you want me to hold it for?" THE BRIGHT LEXICON OF FLAMING YOUTH. Abash. To shock people, formerly done without difficulty, to-day an almost impossible feat. Absence. Makes the heart grow fonder —but not always of the absent one. Allure. See it.- - Ambidextrous. Not letting your right hand know who is holding your left. Ammunition. See Vanity case. SOME PARENTS ARE SO CARELESS. "Speaking of signs," writes W. P. "I remember once standing in front of a grocery store and noticing the sign, 'A Swindler,' on the window. Entering, I asked the proprietor if he wouldn't look better if, instead of 'A,' he printed his full Christian name. "'No,' he said, 'it would look worse. My first name is Adam." IT'S UP TO HER. A Scottish woman was dying in Dunfermline. She expressed the wish that her body be carried back to Ecclefechan, where she hailed from, because she felt that she could "not lie quiet in a grave in Dunfermline." Of course, her husband could do nothing but acquiesce, and assured her "nae matter what the cost will be, if ye canna lie quiet in your grave in Dunfermline, we will take ye back to Ecclefechan, but I think we will try ye first in Dunfermline."

I P r i ze f° r Best Story j | For the best anecdote sent in each week § 1 • P rize °f Five Shillinga u awarded. | § The -prize this week goes to Miss M. | I \\ mT Ashton, 16, Vincent Avenue, Remuera, | I, * " WHERE SAFETY LAY." I naiiniiiDnmiiiuiniuiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiuininiiiuiuuiinuiuHmiiiwwunwiiM^jjul

McGinty: I've a terrible corn on bottom of my foot. Pat: That's a foine place to have it Nobody can step on it but yon.

"Doctor, my husband is troubled with a buzzing noise in his ears." "Better send him away for a month," "He can't get away.". "Then you go."

Indignant Diner: Bring .me the proprietor here at once. There's a wasp in my soup.

Waiter: It's no use sending for th# boss, sir. He's scared to death of W himself.

Nervous Football Player (to mana« ger): Sir—er —l would like to—er—that is, I have been going out with your daughter for five years.

Manager: Well, what do you want—a benefit? -

A little boy stood on a bridge watching a red glow in the sky with a smile on his face, and an old lady was -watch' iug him,

Old Lady: Do you always come to watch sunsets?

Boy: That ain't no sunset, That's the school burning down.

A tramp who had been bitten by * dog threw a stone at it, and was just about to throw another -when the dog's mistress cried, "My doggie only bit you once; you must only throw one stone at him."

"No, ma'am," said the tramp quickly, "you're wrong—once bit, twice shy."

"We've had a lovely time playing post- . •man," exclaimed the youngest of the family. "We gave a letter to every lady in the street." "But where did, you get the letters, dear!" i » "Oh, we found 'em in your trunk, .in the attic, all tied up with blue, ribbon." A little girl was standing admiring herself in front of the mirror. "Now, Marv," said her father, "you must not admire yourself like that. Remember, you are just as Nature made you." "Did Nature make you, daddy,!" "Of course," replied her father. " V ; "Well, don't you think Nature is turning out better work nowadays t" Customs Officcr: Has anybody any' thing to declare? Man: Yes, I have. I have a case of ladies' dresses. Customs Officer: Why are you _so pleased about it? _ "I am a traveller in ladies' wear, and you are the first man who has asked to < see my samples for six weeks." A lively discussion was taking place in the town council over the opening of a new lake in the park, as to whether it' should be a lake of pleasure or beauty. One councillor suggested having a/large motor boat on the lake, another suggested having ducks, swans and other birds. Another councillor moved having a gondola (it would look more itiipressive). Another got up and said, "Why not have two gondolas, and then, we cai} breed?" An old sailor was telling the story of his last voyage. On one occasion, he said, his ship was becalmed for two months, and not a scrap of food or arinif was left." "What did you live on?" asked a listener. "Beef, wine and an egg," was the reply. "The beef came from the bulwark, the wine from the porthole, and the egg fro™ the captain. He gave orders for ship to lay to, and I had one of them-