IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 264, 7 November 1931, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

THE SILENCER. There was once a young man who, every time he met the father of his wife, complained to him of th® ugly temper and disposition of his daughter. At last upon one occasion the old gentleman, becoming weary of the grumbling of his son-in-law, exclaimed: You are right, sir, she is an impertinent jade, and if I hear any more complaints of her I will disinherit her. NOT A SEEKER OF LIGHT. "Shall I tell you what you are?" "If yon do you will get a black eye." POOR DAD. "Say, pa!" "Well, what is it now?" "When deaf mutes have hot words, do they get their fingers burned?" WHEN WITS ARE NEEDED. Hobbs: I've half a mind to get married. Dobbs: Watch out! Reno's full of people who used only half their minds in getting married. MEMORY V. CONTIGUITY. "Oh, George," she gurgled as she cuddled closer, "I wonder how anyone could say that absence makes the heart grow fonder ?" "P~ guess," replied George, "that must mean the absence of a third party," BAD FORM. Patient: Doctor, is there any danger of thp operation proving fatal? Surgeon: Really, my good man, considering that we are experimenting on you free of charge, your idle curiosity is hardly good form.

LIVED ON WATER. , "Here's an account of a woman who lived 48 days on water." "That's nothing. My father has been living on water for the last ten years." "You expect me to believe that?" "He's a sea captain." A RELAPSE. Customer (paying a grocery bill): I say, that bacon wasn't very nice this week. Shopkeeper: That's funny, it was only cured last week. Customer: Then it must have had a relapse. DRAMA OF A DINNER. "How did you like the banquet last night ?" "Not at all." "Wasn't the food good?" "Yes, very good—'but I sat next to a lady who squinted, and she ate oil my plate all the time." BOND OF SYMPATHY. "Delighted to have met you. Come over, some evening soon, and bring your husband." "Thank you so much, but we never go anywhere; you see, by husband is i paralysed. ..." "Don't mind that, dear; my husband's j that way half the time, himself."

COLD LODGINGS. An Englishman was touring Canada and was staying in a wayside hotel. One night it was very cold, and the Englishman feeling it pretty badly, came downstairs early next morning to get warmed. At the same time a trapper, who had been out looking at his traps, came in at the door. Icicles were hanging from his moustache, and with a pitying expression the Englishman looked at him and exclaimed: "By jove, chappie, what room did you sleep in?" INSULTED. A parson, walking through the village one day, met a parishioner. "Good morning, Mr. Hardy," he said. "I haven't seen you at church lately. How is that?" "I don't come to be insulted," said the man, looking knowingly at the parson. "Last time I came to church I was a bit late, and while I was waiting in the lobby I heard you call me a fool." "I am certain you did not." "Yes, you did. .1 distinctly heard you say, 'There is no fool like the fool Hardy.'" HIS COW. I was vacationing in the country. At the boarding house there was a New York girl who became rather friendly with a young farmer. One evening as they were strolling in the fields they happened across a cow and a calf rubbing noses in the affectionate way they sometimes do.

"Ah," said the young farmer, looking at the girl with tender eyes, "that makes me want to do the same."

"Well, go ahead," said the sophisticated New York girl encouragingly, "it's your cow!"

| Prize for Best Story j For the best anecdote sent in each week | 1 ft prize of Five Shilling® u awarded. | | Tie prize this week goes to R. Bur- I | \\ ST ton, Harbour View Road, Birkenhead, | I f ° r * ' r THE SILENCER." j

Customer: "Will whiskers ever com* back?" Barber: "Not the Bama ottet* Doctor: Deep breathing, you understand, destroys microbes. Patient: Bnt; ~ doctor, how can I force them to breathe deeply ? "Is he parsimonious 1 " " Well, yon might say that he carries his money in 4 purse that shuts a good deal easier tha n it opens." 5. ■ English Golfer (to Scottish opponent after a very good lunch): How do stand? Scottish Opponent: I dinna ken —it's a meeracle! Mr. A.: They tell me your daughter la very fond of music. Mr. B.: Well, yes; she's usually found at the piano when her mother is washing the dishes. Mrs. Browne: "Your little boy does resemble his father, doesn't he?" Mrs. Fletcher (grimly): "Yes, he does. But I'll make a man of him or know the reason why." Hearing that one of his farm hands was about to marry, Farmer Giles asked the happy man if it was so. "Yes, sor," was the answer. "Oi be getting spliced. I were prayed for in church for third . toime larst Sunday!" Motorist No. 1: I haven't Been yon lately driving that car you picked up at a bargain auction sale. Motorist No. 2: No; I ride in it only after dark. Even the birds used to call Cheep! Cheep! when I passed by.

"Where are you going on your holidays?" "I don't know. I've already been all over the globe." —"Dublin Opinion."

A small girl asked her mother: "If I grow up shall I have a husband like papa?" "Yes, dear," mother replied. '"And if I do not get married, shall I be an old maid like Aunt Susan?" "Yes," was the reply. The little girl thought for a minute, put her hands to her head, and said, "Well, I am in a fix J"

"My husband is very absent-minded at times," said Mrs. Blank to her caller. "One evening recently I said to him, as I was glancing over the newspaper, 1 see that there are over a thousand cases of measles in town.' John suddenly woke out of his reverie and inquired, 'How many in a case ? ' "

A young man, pointing to a tree 5n a farmer's orchard, said, " Does that apple tree bear much fruit?" Old Farmer: "Well, I have had it in the orchard for twelve years, and it hasn't had one apple on." "Goodness! Why don't you chop it down for firewood?" "Well, sir, it is the best pear tree in the orchard."

His fellow-clerks gathered round him when the news of his engagement became public property, and extended congratulations. "But," said one man, "I understand the girl you are engaged to is $ twin. How do you tell the difference between her and her sister?" "Well, it's a jolly nice family," said the lucky man, "and I don't bother very much."

A man got a job at a siding running wagons down an incline. There was only a sleeper at the bottom to stop the wagons, and the manager told him to be careful and keep the brake on. On the third day four wagons went down at a terrific speed, jumped the sleeper, and plunged into the canal. The manager, his face wrathful, rushed from his office. The man forestalled him- " You needn't come grumbling to me," lie said. "I've left."

Walking down the street, wearing a glum expression on his usually cheerful countenance, Jones was accosted by his friend Brown. "Halloa, old man!" exclaimed the latter. "You're looking very down in the mouth. What's the matter?" "Yesterday," said Jones, "1 refused a poor woman a request for a loan, and in consequence of my act I passed a sleepless niglit. The tones of her voice were ringing in my ears the whole evening." "Your softness of heart does you credit," said Brown. "Who was the woman?" "My wife," was the sad reply.