RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 264, 7 November 1931, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

LXIV

It is love, they say, that makes the world go round. Perhaps so; but what makes it go forward?

There is a better and brisker demand for hides. But the Tax Department is reluctant to sell theirs.

Headlines "Police in White Helmets," "Gaiety in Queen Street." This unseemly behaviour among the police must positively cease.

I learn from the office economist that Britain is poor and must borrow from France because France is too poor to pay what she owes to Britain.

It {is reported that Amy Johnson, on being forced to part with a pup by the police, wept eliglxtly and kissed it. Many a gay young dog envied that pup.

Wood for making musical instruments takes about 30 years to mature. And then the heartless ruffians who mature it make violins out of it.

They play football at night with electric lights in some countries now. Naturally cash amateurs have to get time and a half for night goals.

Gilbert Frankau, the noted novelist, has been sued for payment of a bill for dresses supplied to Mrs. F. Is it a novelty for a novelist to be brought to book ?

A Swiss engraver has managed to cram eighteen thousand words on a common postcard. He'd be absolutely in his element cramming words on an ordinary sea voyage ticket.

Mr. Vpliva, if you recollect, prophesied the end of the world for 1930. Our versatile friend is so pleased with this success that he has now predicted it again for 1935.

I've seen a photo of Mahatma Gandhi a« a boy at college. He's wearing a. hard-boiled shirt, hard cuffs, hard hat, stiff collar and a soft expression. No wonder he's gone back to the loin cloth.

It is claimed that if beer is again to be legally sold in the United States a million and a half people will get jobs. This includes about half a million salt fish workers.

There is serious trouble among the 'wet' and 'dry' authorities in the United States. An officer shot and killed a valuable dog in the belief that he was a bootlegger. The situation is tense.

An Auckland gentleman has come back home with a unique walking stick. A number of gentlemen who haven't been abroad will have a unique walking ticket early next month.

There is a departmental discussion as to whether the railways should use foreign or" British copying pencils. Many think that foreign blue pencils should be declared black.

America has lately sent six of its destroyers to Davy Jones' locker, and did it in a very sensible way, too, by just tearing up the plans before the ships were built.

Football was invented in Chester, England, by medieval soldiers, who kicked a skull Tip and down. They kick the skull nowadays, but it is no longer detached.

According to a returned roamer Britain is being crippled by the dole. All the crutches she has left consist of a few measly billions of pounds and a trifling business connection with five eilly continents.

Did you notice that there have been fewer bankruptcies in 1931 than in 1930, which was a more prosperous year? A financier tells me the reason is that the 1931 gentlemen have less of other people's money to go bankrupt on.

It is awfully interesting to stay-at-homes to meet people who have returned from world wanderings. A business man of my acquaintance tells me that he filled his fountain pen from the Black Sea.

Optimists have no doubt that the tourist traffic to New Zealand will increase. The Tax Department will give the tourists a most cordial welcome and reams of pleasant literature to while away the time.

I read with subdued interest that a flock of 780 ewes have produced 1935 lambs this season. Will advocates of birth control tell me why they have not protested at this flagrant violation of eugenic principles?

IF I WERE KING.

If I were king of Maoriland, The lioss-in-chief of flowery land, The head serang of bowery land, I wonder what I'd do? D'you think I'd be political, Or copiously levitieal? The answer, friends, is " No! " I fancy the inspectorate, The Government directorate, Grandmotherly protectorate 'Would hardly do for me. Not that I'd sack 'em soulfully, Or boot them all out dolefully, Non, non, tries ions amis! I'd pay them double salaries, Increase their daily calories, A statesman and his pal; or his Supporters, friends; yea all I'd treat with care meticulous, I'd not be so ridiculous , To bring about their fall. I'd pay for soporific M.P.'s, so beatific, To stop their tongues terrific For ten or twelve long years. And Ministers so zestful , I'd pay for being restful. E'en tho' 'twas done with tears. I'd trust the population Of this anxious little nation To run. sans perturbation, Their own affairs awhile. No lobbying, no party, But a combination hearty » Without a 'bit of guile. Our rulers, paid and happy, Might retire to fair Taihape, Each with mem'ries of the scrap he Fought at Wellington of yore. Playing marbles, golf, or hockey, Each one having his own jockey— Legislative duties o'er. No new enactment smelling Of the midnight oil a-telling, No statute book a-swelling My loyal subjects to entrap. I should pay the highest wages To the man who tilled no pages. To the silent little chap. If I were king of Maoriland, The admiral of flowery land, The G.O.C. of bowery land, And you were you, my lad, And 1 were non-political, Less copiously levitieal, , You'd say, " This joker's mad! " —G.J. '