THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 214, 10 September 1931, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.)

DELUSION.

The man who looks after the 'weather, you know, Is terribly mean to us down here below, He treats us so hard that I don't think its fair, We don't know what sort of apparel to '"*e ar .- ; The sun shines a bit and the poets say, ' Spring. And the poor little birds unsuspectingly sing. Wo dig out our flannels and blazers, you know. And strut to the beach with the girl friend in tow. Our lawn tennis experts assemble in style. And the niobikes and autos string out by the mile. Yes, we poor simple souls think that summer is near And winter has elided its stormy career. But, alas, we are tricked and that weather clerk guy Laughs right up his sleeve from his place in the sky. He thinks it's so funny—that's all very well— He wouldn't if we made him run like —the deuce.

"G.": Apropos the recent reference to the job of work for a "muscular charlady" by M.A.T., he appears to display a lack of knowledge in suggesting a STATUES. scrubbing brush as a tool for a relief worker to make presentable some of the statuesques gracing Albert Park. I believe it was suggested some time ago to have the memorial at Royal Oak cleaned, by relief labour. I agree there is quite a lot of useful work that could be done by local bodies, which could be done by competent masons. It would be much preferable to chipping grass.

Dear M.A.T., —Yesterday we had two visitors in the afternoon, and we dutifully asked them to take five o'clock with us. Our visitors, who were of a NAUGHTY. very, prim sort, sat down with us and our young family to enjoy the cup o' tea, etc. A few momencs later our black sheep of the family, aged seven, cam'e out with an adjective of the prohibited order to her brother, who had given her a sly dig under • the table. The shocked expression on the faces of our visitors made me blush with vexation at this childish exhibition of knowledge evidently acquired from the outdoor curriculum of our splendid New Zealand educational system. I angrily ordered the offender to the corner. Defiant, but. obedient for once in a way, she went, but by way of retaliation commenced to wear her shoes out against the wall. I then told her to leave the room. She made for the door, opened it, and then, looking at me, said with all the venom she could muster, "You! You naughty word!G.F.H.

The solemnities of municipal control in extra-suburban areas are occasionally mitigated by simple little incidents making enjoyable interludes in a busiTHE BASKET. ness that is drabber than usual. The Mayor of a borough has the advantage of being a car owner, and it is .his custom to offer seats to any of the counci* who after a sitting go home his way. He invited several to a seat on 'a recent night. A councillor who sat in the rear seat saw that there was a small basket there, and when a fellow councillor entered he automatically picked 'up the basket to give his fellow a seat arid sat with it on his knee the rest of the journey. He not only nursed the basket, but on alighting, subconsciously feeling that there was something lie must carry home, took the basket with him. In the morning, of course, the telephones were set going, and the councillor at once acknowledged possession of the Mayor's basket. The point is that the councillor, possibly filled with municipal thoughts as he I left tke council ;chamber, left also his walking stick, hence his feeling that .there must be something to carry home. A further instance of the absent-mindedness that k common to all executive public men working to ameliorate the lot 'of man was shown by the fact that an excellent umbrella . was also left in his Worship's car. The questions debated in council on that night, were obviously of unusual depth, •' •

Mr. Justice Blair, in speaking of specialists and their fees, told the story of the ex-burglar who charged a hundred dollars for opening a safe, the job taking him KNOWING HOW. five minutes. One rather wondered if this was the dear old story of Labouchere, the London eminent who used to edit "Truth" in that city. • "Labby" wanted something from his safe and found that he could not unlock it. After some weary trying he dispatched a messenger to a ■ friend, a celebrated engineer. Would lie drop round? The famous engineer dropped round. Labby told his trouble. The engineer gazed ;,t the safe, and then said J "Show me your key, Labby." Labby handed up the key. The engineer gazed at the key. "Lend me a pin," he said (it was, of course, an old-fashioned safe). He took, .the pin, picked a bit of fluff out of the barrel of the key, inserted it,. and opened the safe. The delighted Labby said, "How much will that co<st, Joe?" Joe replied, "Fifty pounds." "I'll give you a hundred if you won't say a word about it," said Labby. There is the New Zealand case, too. Gigantic machinery was set up in a certain city, and all hands stood by on the great day to see the kick-off. ' Never a kick. Nobody could make her go. Cable to Britain. Expert caught the next boat, arrived in due time. Looked over the machine. "Lend me a spanner." Spanner lent. Three mitfutes' work. Off she went.- Expert back to Scotland. Cheap at the pricfe. Machine has been going ever since.

Count Czerninj so it is communicated from London, was punched in the traditional British way by Captain Charles Lincoln, a British person, who alleged that THE DUEL. the count had written an improper note to the captain's fiancee. With the calm of the furious Continental .the count per. newspaper challenged the 'captain to a duel. The unperr turbed captain, declaring that the challenged party had the choice of weapons, chose either aeroplanes or machine guns.. There will, one feels, be no casualties. It recalls the terrible duel related by Mark Twain between M. Gambctta and.M. Fourtou. Mark found M. Gambetta steeped in, a profound French calm with the wreck of the furniture around him and his hair piled in heaps on the sofa. Gambetta was composing his dying exclamation, "I die for my God, for my country, for freedom of speech, for progress.. I die that France-may live. Mark suggested axes as the best weapons available, but Gambetta said "Non" He further suggested Gatling.guns at fifteen paces, rifles, double-barrelled shotguns, Colt revolvers, and finally brickbats at three quarters of a mile, for, as he remarks, it's a pity to waste a humorous thing. Gambetta's principal, was delighted with the brick idea, but felt that it would be dangerous to the onlookers , Mark Twain said that he had exhausted every means he-could think of for the destruction of two gentlemen, and asked or suggestions. M. Gambetta's second sud7tV « u O -, himtin S in his clothes, and F™ i /j®, ou . t qf his waistcoat pocket a couple of dainty silver- mounted things which SIS carr I le< J f° the u S h t and found to be la£er . unrolled a postage stamp and took from it six cartridges! Sixtyfive yards was named for the distance. Gamin i° W t v the terrible pistols and fell ond «T^ n ° round - An d the dreadful , iw ° httle sounds like 'spit-spit'." The fn»ni S lT' 6 * 0 ' am i ne <l hy microscopes and . unhurt.- The, happy crowd swarmed in tall-c- roun< * the combatants, and, incidenHe was the. only in 7' a ,? the triumphant procession the leading ambulance. ■