THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 194, 18 August 1931, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) THIS FREEDOM. '•Well, she should not go about assaulting tram conductors. She hae got a husband—let her hit him."—Auckland magistrate during hearing of assault charge. When wifle dear is hostile, Don't quail or shake with irisnt, Just turn your cheek and emile, To meet a pretty "right. If with hor left she lauds, And wakes you from a dream, Within her rights she stands — She must dispose of steam. Forget not marrhigc vows Amid this world of strife; For flichtiug and for rowsShe's yours alone for life! A world wanderer telle the story of the consumptive foreigner, who, being ordered to South Africa for the benefit of his health, took the doctor's advice. ERROR IN He was such a hopeless NUMBERS, case that as soon as he got aboard he saw the captain and told him that as he must surely die would the captain see that he wae committed to the deep privately without tne passengers knowing? The captain, who was deeply sympathetic, instructed the carpenter that when the poor man died he was to go to his cabin, perform the necessary preparations, and bury him. The poor fellow duly died. Next day the captain went to the man s cabin and found to his inexpressible consternation that the corpse was still there. He called the carpenter. '"You did not carry out my instructions regarding the burial of No. 33," he, said sternly. "No 33, eir?" said the astonished carpenter. "You said No. 23, sir, and I done it!" Apropos the gentleman who recently achieved a fortune by inventing a leakless fountain pen, you must have observed in your perambulations the mMIGHTY PEN. numerable gentlemen who wear a battery of varicoloured pens and pencils in the left-hand top waistcoat pocket, looking at a distance like ribbons won in a commercial war. iliese bearers of so much caligraphic material have always appealed to M.A.T. as ardent authors ready at a moment's notice bring tlieir battery of nibs into instant action. A London friend has been equally smitten with this frequent display of caligraphic colour and has come to the conclusion that it is used m an intimidatory manner. He asked a London man who was gorgeous with pens and pencils to explain himself. He replied that the fat black pen was for signing cheques in aid of the Spanish Prisoner. The fat red pen for making appointments with the gentleman from New Zealand who has a proposition of two and a half million acres of coconuts to sell. The slim green pencil is for ticking off sums handed over on the spot by business men to chance acquaintances who have been left a quarter of a million by an uncle in Australia, while the other six pencils and pens are useful for writing off bad <lebts incurred in these everyday business operations. Peripatetic purveyors of goods from door to door are necessarily so numerous in these dark days that housewives, unwilling to hurt their feelings, invent THE RISK. series of answers to their questions. Thus, as the purveyor dashes his portmanteau open on the step and displays hair oil, tooth paste, stove polish and pills, the lady will glibly say that her husband is in that trade and that she is sorry, and so on. On a recent day, so 'tis said, a smart gentleman appeared on the doorstep of a suburban house. The lady was quite ready to tell the gentleman that her husband dealt in it, whatever it was, when her little Sammy scampered across the verandah and disappeared round the corner where the family pup was. The commercial gentleman asked gravely if the dear little fellow was insured. The lady at once replied that he was already adequately covered. "Might I ask, madam," he politely inquired, "what company your little boy is 'insured in?" The lady instantly replied, "Oh, the Nor'-west and Sou'-east Assurance Society" (naming a well-known corporation). "Ah!" said the grave gentleman; "so you've got him insured against fire? Very wise, vc-ry wise indeed!" News arrives that despite severe weather the ewe persists in bringing forth her increase and the jocund lamb sports among the daisies and other noxious weeds. IN MEMORIAM. This being so, it is appropriate to recall an Australian season when the juvenile Merino, either in ones or twins, just took a look at the drought-smitten world, turned up untrinimed tails, and passed to the shades. On a certain bit of country measuring by a foot rule nine hundred thousand acres the owner had bitten off more than he could masticate, and the banks descended. The old manager was still there, but the banks sent a gentleman to take charge. He knew quite a deal about money, but precious little about Merinos. The bank official during his temporary managership of Mr. McSquatter's land did not reside at the homestead, but in a nice little hotel in the nearest township. And the old sheep man was alarmed at the absolutely careless way the lambs were dying. So he wrote a little letter and sent it by a horseman to the bank gentleman. "Dear Sir, —Lambing has commenced, but I am sorry to report that there is great mortality among both ewes and lambs. Awaiting your instructions, I am." And the man of affairs turned back the corner of the letter and scribbled: "Stop lambing at once." A friend is intrigued with the suggestion herein made that indication of rank and distinctions worn by sailors, soldiers and policemen should be extended SWEET to the distinguished in MEMORIES, civil life. It is pointed out, for instance, that when men were wounded in the Great War they were entitled to wear a small stripe on the cuff of the sleeve for each wound. He sees no objection to the tattooing of stripes on the arms of wrestlers for each friend they have put to sleep and thinks there can be no possible objectioa to blue stripes for boxers who have permanently altered the countenances of their opponents. A similar decoration might be given to footballers for the number of times they have been warned or sent aff. Think of the spectacle from the grandstand. Some players must be approaching their jubilee. Was the man who broke Dernpsey's noso made a lance-corporal, with a stripe? No! Did Tom Sayers or Heenan or any of the old bare-fisted warriors of the past get good-conduct stripes for broken arms or cracked ribs? No! Instead these distinguished people merely got belts they couldn't possibly wear on the streets or advertise at reunions. There still exist in this imperfect world old rifles having notches on the butt to celebrate the deaths of enemies. American authors aver that these rifles are heirlooms still in the feud States. Souvenirs of pleasant occasions are perfectly justifiable. Why, if young ladies collect engagement rings for their jewel boxes should not boxers and wrestlers collect tattooed rings round their arms to remember notable victories by?

A THOUGHT FOR TO-DAY. Habits have no eyc6, and do not see the dangers aJiead. —Lord Riddell.