THAT INFERNAL BRIDGE.

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 56, 7 March 1931, Page 7 (Supplement)

THAT INFERNAL BRIDGE.

A SYDNEY NIGHTMARE. CROSSING THE TASMAN SEA.

(By GUM.)

Yes, sir, it's here! The Thing in riding me ngain! t It was not satisfied with driving me out of Australia; it had to follow me over here. What? Why, that infernal Bridge, of course 1 Didn't tou see in the paper that Mr. Ennis was here, having something to say of a trans-harbour contraption, and now we're learning all about the Bridge— "our Bridge"? It seems that Bridge is going to sit on my chest for the.remainder of. my life. It appears that for ever I am going to have the thing creeping and crawling over me. Wasn't it enough to have to pass under it twice a day on the Milsom's Point ferry? Wasn't it sufficient to have it glaring in my face every evening ? And haveh't I paid enough? Didn't I suffer those awful nightmares, when they crept and crawled over me all night long — bridges — bridges — Sydney Harbour Bridges—great big creepy, hairy ones, and woolly whiskers, and with sticky grins—'"pinky" grins— plastered on their loathsome faces? I say, wasn't that enotigh? Then why bring it over here ? • You know, I'd be dreaming of little old New Zealand as I came down in the train from Hornsby; then, as sure as vou're born, when we came round that bend where the monstrosity first appears, some goat who had never been further away than Vaucluse or Middle Harbour, would lean over my Bhoulder and, in a voice that reeked of the odour of newmown goanna-oil—and blue-gum—and waratah, would says— "Ain't she creeping up!" And when I'd ricochetted off the roof, and had landed on the seat I would turii and blithely say to liim: "I hope the blamed thing creeps down down —right down to the bottom of Hades." fl , You'd feel like that if you'd been

through it. If you only knew how impossible it is to dodga the awful thing, you'd maybe express your feelings more fervently—much more fervently—unless, of course, you are possessed of a sweet disposition like mine. Why, it used to hit me everywhere 1 went. Frequently I had to go by car from Gordon through to Eyde. You know that flat : topped hill by North Hvde? Well, I dreaded that hill; 1 always gritted my teeth and stood on the accelerator when I came to that elevation. You see, I knew what was coming. Pd been there before. As soon as we came to that lull the mutt on the seat beside mo would get the itch —or something like that. Ami I knew it I# Those symptoms were burned deep on my mind! Hu'd wriggle on his seat—lie d squirm . Then he'd stretch his neck out to his left—just like a rubber emu. Then lie d make a.noise like the hiccups, and from his bowels would rise a voice—a jubilant, gloating, croaking voice. And that voice would sing the old, old song: "Ain't she creeping Al y» J wouldn't like to fall off her!" ; Then Would my wrath rise up within Tho* brakes would squeal for mercy, and I would turn and fix him with "a cold malignant eye, and in a voice that was full of menace, would Kfl.v in solemn "warning: . •'•lf vou ever sing that so"S you'll 'fall a long way further than th Oan you blame- me? But then, you lust? eZ't know! One of these days T-,n "oin<* back to Sydney, and 1m going to ifnions with me .v little Hammer, and a boartl, and a post, and ! And I'm going to get off that Ct. and when I do, I'm going to set sail for that road with my bammer, my board, and my post, and my that board I'm going to pamt" "There she is! Aint she creeping pAM th«e bitter' I'm ooino- to paint a nose—just one little •fint little nose with fue no, _ ten stiffened fingers. And all I'mj?omg o he sorry for will be the fact that haven't got fifty fingers. Then there's the engineering wondc. Dr. Bradfield, of course! What? Do vou mean to tell me you don t know Br. Bradfield? Why, I thought everyone knew him I would, if you lived in Svdnev. You see, his advertisements are published nearly every day in every Sydney paper. Very well, then, 111 {whisper it in your little pink ear. Dr. Bradfield is Sydneys littl-anonkey-on-a-stick! Yes, hes j us , L that! He's Sydney's premiere entertainer. Well, if you must know, lie 'the man who says he designed that colossal error-of-judgment, our At least he says ie did, and Ins BO S°er ßr Mo s w claimed Eigned it, but Doc. pooh-pooed the idea, bo they took their shirts off to it. Ther, Parliament butted in—as Parliaments do—and set up a Eoyal Commissioni to certify to the fact that Doc. did r> ■ it. It certified. You sec, it couldn t uo anything else—it had to earn its salary. Anyway Doc. proved h pomtj be Produced a water-colour that he d drawn —you know, the one that he placed before Parliament to show them what the bridge would look like when it was finidled. The evidence was conclusne— to a Sydneysider. So Dr. Bradfield designed "our bridge." _ And he's an awfully kind man, is Dr. Bradfield. Nothing is too much tioub.e for him. One night he'll travel n 3 ht down from Gordon to Chatswood, and will address a public meeting telhn it what "our bridge" looks like; next night, if vou suggest it to bun, helll » right out to King's Cross and hell stam. on a soap-box there —if theic s. no more convenient —and tell every one w a "our bridge" looks like; and the next night, if you drop him a hint tiiat you'd appreciate it, he'll go al- the way out to La Perouse to tell the abo s wha* "our bridge" looks like. I bow the knee to Dr. Bradfield for his colossal— Bridge. And he's a wonderful florist! i tell vou that's correct! A florist is an ex iiibitor of flowers isn't he? Well; then, he's a florist! He wears all kind*— except wallflowers —in his coat. ao> no all at the same time, but on different mornings. It's not altogether easy keep a" check on them, but the papers help. Each morning they keep the pu lie posted as to what kind and colour of flower he is wearing that morning. It is so very considerate of them, and so very interesting—to Sydneysiders. But then you see, they're used to tha«. kind of thing; they have such a number of great engineering works over

there. I tell you they have! Well, now, let me see: let—me—see —now —yes, they've built two—no, three —little dame, and "our bridge," and—and—Sydney harbour.